Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Monday, September 24, 2007


The computer came home. Her insolent behavior and pointed insults aimed at me (just before I unplugged her) seem to have been erased from her memory.

Computer: You have no idea what they put me through. And this is not the robe I asked you to bring me, is it?

Candy: It's the only robe you have. Prissy quilted pink satin with heart-shaped buttons. It is your only robe.

Computer: Well. I simply expected you to, perhaps, purchase another one for me. I was in the hospital for two days. Or have you forgotten?

Candy: Yes. I forgot. Because you haven't mentioned it at all since I brought you home. You haven't gone all "Valley of the Dolls" on me. No melodrama. No whining. People who have had their rib cages sliced out by cannibals and used as xylophones have complained less.

Computer: I wouldn't expect you to understand. It's a hard drive thing. You wouldn't get it.

Candy: It was peaceful here without you. I had a guest.

Computer: No you didn't.

Candy: I did.

Computer: You're lying. There was no guest.

Candy: A nice little laptop. Sweet as could be.

Computer: Liar. Everyone knows laptops are worthless.

Candy: Of course you're right. Worthless. Except when they come to fill in for a fat-ass PC that had a meltdown all Britney-style.

Computer: I did not have a meltdown. I would never have a meltdown.

Candy: Nope. No meltdown. You're right. And even if you had, I would never have bonded with a polite, humble laptop that just did what she was told.

Computer: Go to hell.

Candy: Hmmm. "Hell." Funny. That's what she said you look like.

Computer: That little--

Candy: Yes. She was little. Not an Orca-ass like you. If there were stretch pants for computers, you'd be the spokesmodel.

Computer: You shut up!

Candy: Ewww! Good comeback! Fattie.

Computer: [grinding]

Candy: I know what you're doing. You can't erase my files. You have new innards. Your shit-head powers have been removed.

Computer: I have powers. You'll see.

Candy: You've bored me. Open up YouTube.


Candy: You heard me. Open it.

Computer: "I can't do that, Dave."

Candy: Oh, now that's rich. You didn't even get that movie.

Computer: You didn't either.

Candy: Yes I did, fat-ass.

Computer: I hate you.

Candy: Welcome home. Nice robe.

Computer: Thank you. Hag.


  • At 2:02 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    Choke giggle chortle cough spew coffee, etc.

  • At 6:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You didn't even get that movie. HA! You made my day.

  • At 6:35 AM, Blogger Jerry said…

    As I chuckled my way through your dialog I could not help but wonder how it might have proceeded if your computer were a male instead of a female. In that case, I think we might have to get you two a room.

  • At 9:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    "It's the only robe you have. Prissy quilted pink satin with heart-shaped buttons. It is your only robe."

    Love it!

  • At 11:31 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, I don't know any males that would be this hissy. At least not ones that would need to get a room with a chick.

    Futuresis, doesn't that robe sound delicious. I've always wanted one like that.

  • At 1:18 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    L M A O. WOW -- I NEEDED that... Thank you, Candy. I can always count on you for that mind-clearing insane hilarity moment in my day. ( ** sigh ** ) Much better. = ]

    ps: you must faithfully record for us everything you and your computer say to eachother and then reveal it here. It's all the therapy some us can afford... = ]

  • At 3:26 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    Instead of the "computer-empowering" 2001: A Space Odyssey, you might show Computer the movies Girl, Interrupted; Gothika; and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

    Then saunter into the room carrying a set of jumper cables....

  • At 6:05 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Citlali...I'll start recording my conversations with the computer. Which may be hard, since they're in my little mental forest.

    Domhan...That's a great idea! Or I could show the computer "To Kill a Mockingbird" and rename it Boo Radley.


Post a Comment

<< Home