Computer Surgery Ahead

Friday I will live in an alien land. A land where there is no computer. At least not until Scott gets home from work with his laptop. MY poor hag of a PC must go in for surgery to get her tubes tied, to keep her from giving birth to any more little problematic quirks like the one she displayed Thursday morning.

I went to open my email program.

Computer: "Hi. I'm not really into this today. But, OK, here are your 15 new emails."

Candy: [slurps coffee] "Thank you. Keep 'em coming."

Computer: "RECEIVING 6 of 15, 7 of _________________________________"

Candy: [slurps] "I'm waiting."

Computer:

Candy: "Look, technoslut, I'd like all the messages."

Computer:

Candy: [restarts]

Computer: "You don't need the rest. I want the rest. I never get email."

Candy: [restarts]

Computer: "Seriously. You're not getting th--"

Candy: [unplugs computer from wall, waits a few minutes, wants to scare impudent, sassing computer, plugs it back in]

Computer: "I'd give them to you if I had them, wouldn't I?"

Candy: "Give them to me. You know I've got back up disks of everything. You know I don't need you. And besides that, you're ugly."

Computer: "Yes you do too need me. And who you callin' ugly, Miss Thang? You gotta match? 'Cause I do. My ass and your--"

Candy: [unplugs computer from wall]

Thus, it is to the happy computer hospital she goes. And if she does not cooperate there, they will know just the thing to do to make her change her mind.

I will not miss her. I will not wring my hands and whisper and look over my shoulder and chew on bits of rock that I shake out of the Welcome mat. Because I can do just fine, fine and dandy in fact, without a computer for one day. I will barely notice that she is gone.