Pleased to Meme You

I don't think I've ever done a "meme." But since I got tagged by my pal E.B., and because teaching sucked every drop of energy out of me today, I'll just have myself a nice, tall, cool glass of meme.

Here goes.

Four Jobs I've Had in Life (as opposed to the ones I've had in death?)

1. Bookstore Owner. The store lasted 2 years. Then went belly up. Oddly, right around the same time Barnes & Noble and Borders came to town. I wonder if that was a coincidence?

2. Record Store Manager. Yes, records. Those big flat things that we old people still own, because you rotten kids and your newfangled I-PADs and portable juke boxes and sassiness and general disrespect of authority make us need such things to beat you over the head with. Get out of my yard!

3. Candy Striper (volunteer job) at my hometown hospital. Age 15. This lasted for one 2-hour "shift." My mom had spent 6 dollars on a used candy striper outfit for poor Candy, who was too freaked out by the hospital to ever go back. Did you know there are sick people there?

4. Donut Maker. This job lasted for 90 minutes. Someday I will tell the horrid story. Not today.

Four Places I've Lived

1. Lafayette, Indiana. Home of the Boilermakers. For grad school.

2. Indianapolis, Indiana. One big farm town. It takes 30 minutes to get anywhere, and then you aren't anywhere anyway.

3. Paris, for 6 months, with a horrible person that I happened to be married to. I hated everything about it. Except for the art. One gazillion museums full of it. Unfortunately my spouse was full of it too. So I hacked him up and threw him, bit by bit, into the Seine. That is why it smells bad to this day.

4. Phoenix. Heat, sand, illegals, lizards, sports teams, rotten drivers, scorpions, dying grass. And that's inside the house.


Four Favorite Foods

1. King crab. Even though it's sort of like eating the legs off a big ocean spider, and it's very hard to crack, I like it.

2. Extremely thin-crust cheese pizza with lemon juice squeezed over it.

3. Chocolate. Chocolate is very nice. I can eat it and not go overboard at all. It is not addictive like a street drug. There is no one forcing me to write this. These are my own words. I don't need to eat chocolate or feel that if I don't have chocolate, I will suck out the lungs of every passer-by with a custom made nuclear-powered Bissell. Also, during PMS, chocolate does not call to me like the coke spoon called to Richard Pryor: "Come to me. Right over here. I own you, bitch." That would be ridiculous.

4. Pepsi. The best drink in the universe. Scott and I almost didn't get married because he likes Coke and thinks that Pepsi tastes flat and too sweet. The reverse is true. Pepsi is fizzy and perfect and as it's going down your throat you can see all the way to the core of the earth. Coke tastes like Pepsi that's been opened, diluted with water, and poured over the moldy, decomposing carcass of a mole-rat that has just eaten a piece of red velvet cake.


Four Places I'd Rather Be

If Scott were home from work already, these answers would be very hard to come by.

1. Popping in to see my mom and dad, for the nightly viewing of "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy."

2. Seeing my pals back home, over dinner, drinks, gossip, anything.

3. Purchasing a magic machine that would make my parents 30 years younger.

4. Sitting on the steps of the English Building back home, watching the activity on the Quad. The geeky groups that try to walk a tightrope tied between 2 trees, the frisbee geeks, the crazy preacher and his hecklers.


Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over

I almost never watch something twice. I never read a book twice either. But here are the movies I've watched more than once because I couldn't help it:

1. Blazing Saddles Best line in movie history: "We gotta go back and get us a shitload o' dimes."

2. Castaway It's gorgeous, it's about isolation, it's mind bending. And Tom Hanks goes from a chunky guy to a stick and does creative things with ice skate blades.

3. Team America Puppet sex.

4. Limbo Saw it at an art-movie place. Loved it. Bought it. Made Scott watch it and he wanted to strangle me when it was over. Rent it and see why.


Four TV Shows I Like to Watch:

1. "Lost"

2. "24" Although last season it blew. And Janine Garafalo makes me hurl, and they're adding her this season. So I may take up knitting. Or poodle fighting. Or knitting during poodle fights. Which are very prissy and done mostly with powderpuffs.

3. "House"

4. "Big Brother" Yes, it's a stupid, pointless reality show with lots of backbiting and fighting and conniving. Just like life. And I blame Teresa for getting me started on it. I wanted to see what she liked about it. And then I was hooked like a big fat marlin on a nice juicy worm.

Four Websites I View Daily:

1. All the ones listed on my blogroll

2. The Superficial Because skewering celebrities is a spectator sport.

3. World peace and an end to all hunger.

4. Oh, wait, I thought this was the question and answer segment of Miss USA.


Four People to Tag:

1. Jerry
2. Futuresis
3. Belle
4. Me in 25 years