Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Living in the Desert, Lesson #2: Baked Creatures

Lizzie was accidentally abandoned, along with her Georgia quarter, out on the patio table. The table Scott says "I would like to eat on again someday." In other words, get your nasty dead lizard off the table, Candy.

But not before a photo captures the Last Days of Lizzie. I like to think that she dreamed of being in a beauty pageant. Maybe Miss America. Because, looking at her present state, she'd have been good at it. Really really really skinny and on her back a lot.


  • At 9:02 AM, Blogger EB said…

    Lizzie is now cool enough to be an artifact in the Candy Museum of Carcasses.

    Speaking of carcasses. . . someone should warn Scott to shut his pie hole before he ends up being the next one on display.

  • At 9:19 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Heh heh. You know me so well, EB. I have to find those bananas and see how they're doing. They definitely moved with me.
    I had a single one in my desk drawer, but a small bunch of them at home.

  • At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What did I do?

    BTW, I have it on good authority that it's Candy's birthday today.

  • At 9:52 AM, Blogger Lisa Dunick said…

    What a lovely birthday present to yourself! I was just wondering what I should ask J to get me for mine...

  • At 11:04 AM, Blogger EB said…

    Happy Birthday, you old hag.

    Oh. Sorry. Did I type that out loud?

  • At 11:12 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    YES, EB, you DID type that out loud. You just wait until I get my hands on you. There will be fisticuffs. OK not really. I just wanted to say "fisticuffs."

    But I am a hag. I was born a hag.

    LD, by all means, get yourself a Lizzie for your birthday. Put it on a nice gold chain. It goes with every ensemble.

    Scott, I'm going to beat you like a rug when I get home. The birthday is to be hidden. Always. The way you'll have to hide your bruises.

  • At 12:02 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    Go Candy...putting in visuals to enhance your content. Alas, poor Lizzie, but you remember what Hamlet said:
    "Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let
    her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come."

    Lizzie has gone the way of all flesh, just like my memory and cognitive functioning. Had you pickled (something I'm trying to do to myself) or stuffed her we could have enjoyed her undehydrated state for a while longer.

    Since you live in Arizona, I think there are many other neat little creatures you can adore and save for Scott. Watch out though, some bite.

    I don't think there is anything that makes me want to run screaming more than the thought of looking into the pool one morning and seeing a writhing tarantula desperately seeking to get to the side of the pool.

    I would swim in residential pools no more forever.

  • At 12:12 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    HA!!! Jerry, you and your Hamlet/Lizzie combo made me laugh out loud. Alas, poor Lizzie!

    Funny you mention a tarantula. I haven't seen one of those yet, but when I was sitting in the pool yesterday, on the steps, I saw what I thought was a scorpion on the bottom. I froze and got sick to my stomach with fear. It was a leaf. An innocent, harmless leaf. But my radar is UP and I see creatures everywhere.

  • At 8:33 PM, Blogger mgm said…

    Candy, those creatures you see everywhere are crabs! I told you to get those checked out.

    Speaking of carcasses, you did trash that bizarre animal skull you found in your desk. Why didn't you kept it for the collection? But now, whenever someone asks, "who keeps dead animals around?", I can safely say, "Why, SuperDad and Candy, of course!"

    And, happy birthday, Slagtastic. We sure miss you.

  • At 8:37 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Mad Grad...The only crabs I know about are the ones you caught from your "clients."

    NO! I didn't trash the animal skull thing. I put it in Gail's desk drawer. Hopefully she's found it by now. I did that the same day I put 30 white plastic spiders on YOUR desk. And those are glow in the dark, by the way, little missy.

    I mean, Skankly.

  • At 8:38 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    And I miss you too, Mad Grad. I wander around my new campus and know almost no one. And since I'm blowing it off after this semester, I don't try that hard. I keep to myself, as many dead lizard owners do.

  • At 8:51 PM, Blogger mgm said…

    Gee, Candy, I'm glad you told me you were the one who put the spiders there. I was worried it was another outbreak. How embarrassing!

  • At 11:34 AM, Blogger EB said…

    Yours glow? Where'd you catch those from?

  • At 11:43 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I caught 'em from a date of mine that worked with hazardous waste. In fact, that was his little nickname for me. Hazardous Waste. He really knew how to sweet talk.

  • At 11:59 AM, Blogger Citlali said…

    Dear Dead Lizard Owner,

    OMG, you are too funny. I couldn't believe it when I realized what I was looking at. lol. It's so sick -- I love it. I'm also very happy for you that you've decided to blow off the lame-a** job you hat so much. Hope you really enjoy your upcoming freedom. Yes, go see your family -- don't be out there desicating no more little critters just because you don't have to go to report to work at 7:30 no more. K? Leave them alone... Oh, what the hell -- do it if you want, but you must share the pictures. = ]

  • At 12:02 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    OH, YEAH -- and HAPPY BIRTHDAY Lizard Lady!! = ]

  • At 12:03 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Citlali, you just make my day, you know that? I love when you visit and comment.
    Multiple blessings to you today and every day!

    And don't worry. Lizzie didn't feel any pain. :)

  • At 12:04 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    THANK YOU! It was a great birthday.


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