Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Life's Rich Pageant

For the next couple of weeks, Candy will be in academic quicksand.

In other words, the new teaching job is starting. This week there are various "orientation" meetings for newbies like myself. And lemme tell ya, switching from a teaching job at the Big Giant University to teaching at a Little Bitty Community College is a whole different tupperware of worms.

Enrollment-wise, the place isn't all that small. 7,000 students vs. the 42,000 at my old job. But the campus is absolutely tiny. And exquisitely beautiful. It's dropped between two mountains and on the 16 mile drive up there, I have trouble focusing on the road. "Look, Candy! Look at the mountains! What are we doing living where there are mountains?" my little Inner Candy says. And I do my best to shut her piehole so we don't end up just another casualty reported by the traffic copters. Also distracting, I might add.

The L.B. Community College is just like a big high school. Everybody knows everybody. The secretaries, professors, students, random security guys. They ALL know one another. You don't want to speak harshly to anyone or make an enemy because 2 minutes after you might honk off a clerk in the teeny little bookstore for pointing out that she charged you twice for a magazine, the news has burned its way along the invisible grapevine to your own department, where you will be instantly labeled "Trouble."

And Candy does not want to be that. Nosiree. At least not until classes have started.

And then my own struggle begins. Because, as some of you already know, the universe has had great fun with me lately when forming my teaching schedule. I, Candy Rant, the woman who delights in staying up until dawn, doing all of her favorite things (watching DVDs of "Mr. Ed" and "Hawaii Five-O", eating junk food, locating unseen corners of the worldwideweb where you can buy faux cockroach swizzle sticks, and putting little bonnets on my cat) until the annoying, useless birds start their morning song, have been assigned a class that meets at 7:30 a.m. I plan to walk into that class holding a sign: "Do NOT speak to me." There will be a stern glare that goes with it.

Scott, who LOVES, LOVES, LOVES the early morning hours told me how much fun it will be to get up together and eat breakfast together and have coffee and "You'll see how great the morning is!" Please, do stop by if you'd like to sign his cast.


  • At 12:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sure, you can sign my cast. Just none of that "Get Well Soon" crap. Make Candy proud.

  • At 4:27 PM, Blogger Norma said…

    Oh Candy,
    Move in day is fast approaching here at the Big U. I better watch where I'm walking because I'll soon be run over by students on their bikes. Or the MTD. Oh joy!

  • At 6:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, have you figgered out yer orientation after all them meetings or not, Candy?

    Remember those one-on-one orientation meetings we used to have in the broom closet? I've never looked at trail mix the same way since.

  • At 7:00 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Well said, Scott. Now, put the duct tape back on.

    Norma...that's one thing about a community college: no Move-In Day. Thank God. But also, barely any campus.

    Jackie O., You must keep our sordid secrets, lest the paparazzi starts to follow us again!

  • At 8:14 AM, Blogger Gail said…

    Have your classes filled? Do y ou get to keep them all?

  • At 10:43 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Gail, yep, I got all 3 classes. I had hoped at least one would be cancelled. They even tried to give me a 4th. If I was going to teach 4 classes I'd go get a job in a high school. Right after the end of the world.

  • At 11:29 AM, Blogger Miss B said…

    *grin* I am so with you, Candy... I would much rather sleep til 1 or 2p, then stay up until 5a... it was very difficult transitioning to a day/office job...

    borrow my pistol? :)

  • At 11:31 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    YES! I would like to borrow your pistol, Miss B. I'll come get it and even bring you lunch.

  • At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    someone has taken your desk ... there are no sordid signs, no fabulous poems, no stacks and stacks and stacks of books ... EB is gone, you are gone ... it's like being in an office full of saints.

    thank god for juicy white thigh and mgm ...

  • At 9:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What is up with the men in that family and getting up at the crack of dawn?! Having coffee together early in the morning is nice though. I'm still not a morning person in the least, but it is a nice way to start the day if you have to get up early.

    I wish you well. And I will pray that your students can read your sign--and more importantly, don't think that it is some sort of joke. A pity to have to shoot them in the kneecaps during your first semester there....but you'd earn a reputation for yourself, especially with how quickly news spreads on campus!

    It's sooo hard not to watch those helicopters, isn't it?! I had thought it was just me.

  • At 10:42 AM, Blogger Jerry said…

    That damn "tupperware of worms" phrase caused me to have a pretty frightening nightmare last night.

    I wanted to encourage you to write a book. Like Gail, you have an interesting style and a keen wit. But after the tupperware of worms thingy, I think maybe a Gothic romance novel would suit.

    Early morning--love then. Big southern breakfast with biscuits, red eye gravy, country ham, fresh cut, home-grown tomatoes, hash browns scattered and smothered with onions...yummy.

    Then you go back to bed and sleep until a decent time to get up.

  • At 10:51 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, I'm sorry I was the catalyst for your nightmare. If it's any consolation, I hated that phrase the minute I wrote it down and it stuck in my head too.

    Thanks for the encouragement. I'll be doing my best to do SOMETHING with writing, just to keep from having to teach these desperately meaningless classes.

    Going back to bed after breakfast? Heavenly.

  • At 8:45 AM, Blogger mgm said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 8:46 AM, Blogger mgm said…

    Scott, I'll sign your cast:

    Dear Scott,

    That'll teach you. Don't mess with my bitch Candy. She'll f-you up.


    PS--Candy, a little tear drops down my cheek every time I see your empty desk. Just remember to watch out for them briar patches.

  • At 4:42 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    omg, Candy, honestly -- I think reading the comment section after the post is ALMOST as fun as reading the post itself. I'm LMAO. = ] thank you


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