Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Thursday, June 28, 2007

I Did It. I Bit the Dust.

And by doing it, I mean I got married. And by dust, I'm referring to what is now inside my skull where my brain used to reside. Not because of the wedding. Because of the extra day of traveling because OF COURSE AMERICAN AIRLINES CANCELLED OUR FLIGHT HOME. Kind of one last kick in the ass to the new bride and groom, who had already made a pact never to use them again. More about that later.

Candy must tackle the wedding story in small bites. Let us begin with the day before we left for Indiana.

Remember how I said I thought I had sold my house? As it turned out, the house did sell, which meant that in addition to the wedding details, I had much faxing and signing and overnight mailing of power-of-attorney forms and seeking out notary publics, etc. And there were many phone calls (some in airports, some while driving, some while slapping together the final wedding stuff) back and forth with the realtor and the attorney so I could pull that mortgage albatross from around my feeble bridal neck. In lieu of a bouquet I would be able to toss my bothersome house payment into the wind. Or into that special dark abyss of Things I Never Have to Think About Again. Even if I did lose several thousand bucks on the house. It's someone else's poor homely prom date now.

On Wednesday, June 20th, Scott and I marched up the stairs of the Clay County Indiana courthouse to get our marriage license. We were giddy and acting like idiots and then we tried to somewhat compose ourselves so we wouldn't be thrown out for suspected drunkenness. We sat in the County Clerk's office and answered the questions of a polite heavily made-up woman who was typing the answers on her clickety-clack keyboard.

After the usual name/address/blah blah she got to some more pointed questions:

"Scott, have you ever in the past been judged unsound of mind?"

We could not contain ourselves. We howled. Like coyotes. The woman had a bored half-smile on her face that said she had encountered this reaction more times than there are "whatevers" in a junior high lunch hour.

"No," he said.

Very immature tittering continued on our side of the desk.

Next question:

"Are the two of you related any more closely than second cousins?"

That was the end of us and any attempt we were making at composure. And anyhow, without inbreeding, the population of Indiana would have dwindled to that of a bowling league by now.

She ended the question and answer with her final punch:

"Do you know about AIDS and how it is transmitted sexually?"

Her half-smile faded completely when we asked if a demonstration was available.

The strangest question in the bunch was:

"Do you live in the city or the country?"

We have no idea, still, what that was about. Unless it was some arcane legality left on the books from the 1800s. Like the ones that say it's illegal to eat corn on the cob on a Sunday at midnight. Or to wear a top hat while beating your donkey. At least those make sense.

More details tomorrow.


  • At 7:16 AM, Blogger mgm said…

    Woo-Hoo! Candy's a married lady! At least Scott knows what he's gotten himself into. He saw those Bubba teeth early on.

    And, "suspected" drunkenness? "Suspected?"

  • At 11:27 AM, Blogger Domhan said…

    You survived wedding details AND closing on your house at the same time? Candy, you are BATMAN! You can handle anything.

    Welcome back! I can't WAIT to hear the rest of the story.

  • At 1:01 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    O M G!! That sounds just like me and my Sweetie. When it's time it's time. EVERYONE else might look at you like you've LOST it -- well, you HAVE!! And SO WHAT??!! That's what I say. Sweet and I went through that on our way back from Las Vegas three weeks after 9/11. We waited THREE hours just to get to the freakin gate... That includes the first hour OUTSIDE the airport. Yep. We totally lost it and started using our duffle bag as a soccer ball, kicking it ahead as we moved in line. The final straw was when a piece of gum on the floor stuck to the bag. Well, I don't really know why it was so funny but we had tears in our eyes, cackling like hyenas in a lobby FULL of people. We didn't care a bit and we still laugh about it now. Priceless. You have an incredibly adventurous viewpoint to your life. It's awesome. Thank you so much for sharing. = ]

  • At 1:06 PM, Blogger Citlali said…


  • At 3:20 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Don't you sass me, Mad Grad. You know I still got them pitchers of you.

    Domhan, I was afraid another big thing would happen at the same time and do me in. Like finding out I was preggers.

    Citlali...I can see how the piece of gum would have been the last straw. You should use "Cackling Like Hyenas in a Lobby Full of People" as the title of your autobiography.

  • At 8:37 AM, Blogger planbreaker said…

    I cannot wait to hear the rest of this story.

    Another city hall marriage license story: friends of mine were going to get married at city hall and the couple of front of them were being refused because one of them had previously applied for a marriage license and never used it. The woman behind the desk asked the man, "what was the name of the other person on the license, sir? We need both names to cancel it." And the man replied, "I don't *remember*" with much exasperation in his voice.

  • At 8:38 AM, Blogger planbreaker said…

    oh, and congratulations to you and Scott! yay!

  • At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    it's just the good folks of indiana making sure that none of that in-morality stuff happens in their state.

    congrats candy!

  • At 12:08 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    "I don't REMEMBER????"

    Holy crap!

    Thanks for the congrats, you and C...
    We've been married a week already and are still talking. Sort of. That is, when I can git him to come outta the trailer and feed the pit bulls.

  • At 6:12 PM, Blogger Lisa Dunick said…

    Hey- congrats on tying the knot!

  • At 6:17 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Thanks LD! We're at 11 days now! Woo HOO!


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