Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Friday, September 21, 2007

Computer Surgery Ahead

Friday I will live in an alien land. A land where there is no computer. At least not until Scott gets home from work with his laptop. MY poor hag of a PC must go in for surgery to get her tubes tied, to keep her from giving birth to any more little problematic quirks like the one she displayed Thursday morning.

I went to open my email program.

Computer: "Hi. I'm not really into this today. But, OK, here are your 15 new emails."

Candy: [slurps coffee] "Thank you. Keep 'em coming."

Computer: "RECEIVING 6 of 15, 7 of _________________________________"

Candy: [slurps] "I'm waiting."


Candy: "Look, technoslut, I'd like all the messages."


Candy: [restarts]

Computer: "You don't need the rest. I want the rest. I never get email."

Candy: [restarts]

Computer: "Seriously. You're not getting th--"

Candy: [unplugs computer from wall, waits a few minutes, wants to scare impudent, sassing computer, plugs it back in]

Computer: "I'd give them to you if I had them, wouldn't I?"

Candy: "Give them to me. You know I've got back up disks of everything. You know I don't need you. And besides that, you're ugly."

Computer: "Yes you do too need me. And who you callin' ugly, Miss Thang? You gotta match? 'Cause I do. My ass and your--"

Candy: [unplugs computer from wall]

Thus, it is to the happy computer hospital she goes. And if she does not cooperate there, they will know just the thing to do to make her change her mind.

I will not miss her. I will not wring my hands and whisper and look over my shoulder and chew on bits of rock that I shake out of the Welcome mat. Because I can do just fine, fine and dandy in fact, without a computer for one day. I will barely notice that she is gone.


  • At 8:13 AM, Blogger Jerry said…

    I hope they don't put her to sleep--forever. But, then you will be rejoined in Paradise...wait, can we reconnect with inanimate objects, mechanical gizmos, and electronics in Heaven?

    I am so confused.

  • At 9:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    From the sound of it, Candy's computer is far more likely to wind up in hell. I can totally see mechanical gizmos being in hell. Take the Flowbee, for example. Everyone in hell would get a Flowbee precision haircut. Or how about the Epilady? That could be used to perform a special form of torture. And I also believe that one of those gazillion pound Hoover vacuum cleaners would be assigned to everyone. It would definitely be hell to push one of those monsters around for eternity, and you can be sure a big staircase would be involved. Then, after a long day of Hoovering, each damned soul would go back to his or her cell only to log on to a computer with unreliable dial-up, outfitted with Microsoft Windows 95. And over the loudspeakers, everyone would have to listen to "Don't Worry, Be Happy" over and over again. And I believe that Satan will also be wearing one of those creepy Wendy's wigs from the new commercials. Am I the only person that is ready to boycott Wendy's forever because of those new commercials? I really hate them.

  • At 12:10 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, just when I think I've gotten some grasp on the afterlife, and have decided that Hankie will be there with me, you get me wondering where my fine collectables will end up. Like my shark puppet and the cigarette butt I took out of the mouth of my favorite famous poet.

  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Update: because Scott is wonderful and hooked up his old laptop to my keyboard and monitor, I have a computer for awhile. It is known to kack regularly, so each letter I type could be the last.

    Futuresis, you are a genius to come up with a K-tel version of Hell. The devil will actually BE Ron Popeil and he'll make passes at us, in that wig, all day. Like: "I'll bet YOU know how to 'flowbee' don't you?"
    and "Wanna see my Pocket Fisherman?"

    Bobby McFerrin will be his slimy underling who prances through the steaming brimstone streets.

  • At 12:27 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    OMG, computer hell... cool. I think after that conversation the laptop might deserve it. Unless that was all in your head, Candy? Hmmm. lol. We must learn to be nice to our electronic slaves. They can escape or even hold an uprising. One must be careful. = ]

  • At 12:40 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    And, yes, Wendys Wigs? Definitely part of Hell. Yup. = ]

  • At 12:41 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I am being extra careful today, Citlali. I just brought a bouquet of flowers to the toaster oven, and am letting the Mr. Coffee choose anything he wants from the L. L. Bean catalog. So far he's debating. Lined flannel jacket vs. wool fisherman's socks.

  • At 1:04 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    lmao. that's better. lmao = ]

  • At 2:34 PM, Blogger Lisa Dunick said…

    I would die without my computer. Even for one day.

    ok, maybe not literally, but I would go just a wee bit crazy.

  • At 2:59 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Yeah, I was being all philosophical about it and thinking "Oooh, I'll get lots of work done without that thing here for a couple days." As I was gnashing my teeth.

  • At 4:59 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    What Our Machines Do When We Aren't Around

    [phone rings]

    Answering Machine: Hello. This is the answering machine. Leave your name, number, and message, and I'll tell the computer to type it up so the refrigerator can stick it on itself with a magnet. Candy will get back to you soon.

    Computer: Like hell I'll type it up! Do I look like I have opposable thumbs? Besides, Candy yanked my cord five times today! What thanks do I get?

    Refrigerator: You can stick stuff on your own damn self, answering machine. I ain't stickin' no messages on MY self. Not for Candy. All day long it's "what's in that fridge? Anything in that fridge? I want a drink. What looks good in there?" My hinges 'bout give out.

    Vacuum Cleaner: SSSSSSuuucck it up, Fridge! I got the dirt on Candy!

    [phone rings]

    Answering Machine: Oh for god's sake, leave a message that Candy probably won't get. Then f*ck off.

  • At 5:06 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    HA!!!!! I love you, Domhan, you and your sick, sick mind. Brilliant.

    I'm going to use a blow torch on the fridge now. Just to show who's boss. And no, it ain't Tony Danza.

    I just mentioned Tony Danza. What is wrong with me? Who will it be next? Wally Cox?

  • At 6:37 PM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    a day without porn. perish the thought.

  • At 6:56 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I've begged you to get help.

  • At 9:01 PM, Blogger Carin said…

    I was w/o a computer for a few days ... until I found out if I moved my Mac into the living room, the bluetooth could steal, I mean borrow my neighbor's intertube access.

  • At 9:07 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    You sly dog, you. Scott and I did that off and on when we visited his Mom in Ohio. We had to keep angling the laptop in different directions to get enough of a connection to check email. But we felt so dirty.

  • At 10:00 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    Better than having to go on the streets to get your WIFI. McDonalds WIFI ho is what the Viking King was while we were on vacation. Big dirty WIFI ho. Dirty dirty....

    Oooh! Out loud?

  • At 9:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, just being in Ohio makes me feel dirty...

    Oooh! Out loud?

  • At 10:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Isn't it obvious? Your little computer buddy needs a electronic honey bunch. And he/she wants it in a nano second! Look, I know the cutest little HP Pavilion--I can send you his/her IP ID. Just say the word.

  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Scott, I won't bring up what else happened in Ohio to make you feel dirty.

    Ana, it's easy to become a McD's slave. I still love their horrible plastic-based milkshakes.

    Tony, please DO send the info. That would make us related, wouldn't it? Think of the holidays!

  • At 12:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I am so glad that you ended up being blessed with online access before you totally lost your mind!

    K-Tel Hell! I love it!!! You know, I realized that I neglected to capitalize the "h" in Hell, which is a proper noun. Oops.

    Also, as a result of my post, I have been in my own self-imposed Hell for the last couple of days. "Don't Worry, Be Happy!" has been running through my mind almost non-stop. I am trying to think of some other annoying tune, because I need some sort of relief from this. Anything else.

    Every time I think of Ron Popeil in that Wendy's wig I start laughing. Dave looks at me funny, but I could not even begin to explain it.

    So do you think that Hell is one giant Showtime Rotisserie? Perhaps when we die, we find ourselves in front of a large studio audience. We are then judged and if we are to go to Hell, Ron (in wig) says to the audience, "What do we do?" They joyously shout, in unison, "Set it and FORGET IT!" At this point, Ron smiles and says, "That's right!" and turns the dial to "Eternity."

    If you think about it, all of those TV informercial items really should be incorporated into Hell. They never work as promised.

    And there would be no WIFI in Hell. However, I'm quite sure there will be Internet. You know who invented it, after all. I'd like to see what he'd do about that global warming.

    All right, I'm ready for the nasty outraged remarks from his fans now.

  • At 12:48 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    "Set it and FORGET it!" HAAA!
    And just across the hall would be Jack LaLane and his juicer. Except for, instead of carrots and apples, he would be grinding up kitties or bunnies.
    Why is it that we are so good at imagining hell? Er, Hell?

    And don't be startin' that Al Gore crap on here. All I need is a political argument to erupt. When we all know that the only real candidate is Ross Perot. Besides the fact that he is so cute. I would totally go out with him.

  • At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    We are a little too good at this Hell thing, aren't we? The rotisserie thing reminded me of the roasting on a spit joke, and that has had me laughing....and now I have "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash in my head, so that's an improvement.

    Did I actually SAY I was talking about Al Gore?

    Not trying to start any political was just so easy to go there with the train of thought I was on. I don't hate Al Gore. I don't love Al Gore. It just worked for me there, that's all.

    I don't like any politicians, except Ross Perot, of course--who IS so darn cute! I remember when you showed me your Ross Perot scrapbook with all of the pictures and items you pulled out of his trash. So romantic.

    When it comes to politics, I have adopted a feeling of apathy. It doesn't matter what I think, or what anyone else thinks. It's all about money. It boils down to voting for the lesser of two evils and I can no longer differentiate.

    If nothing else sends me to Hell, that sentiment will.

    But Al Gore fans, feel free to fire away. I'm afraid that I won't care; but if I have offended you, then I deserve to be the target of your venom.

    Candy, are you going to delete my comments? I'm sorry.

  • At 1:44 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Of course I'm not going to delete your comments. HOWEVER, since you blew my secret about the scrapbook and things I stole from Ross Perot's garbage can, I will have to demand that you give back the special memento I gave you. I know it will hurt to give it up. But the bright side it, he will clip his toenails again at some point.

    And oh, by the way, as though with YOU it isn't about money??? You and your raccoon-carcass-shoe business. I'm sure that's simply for the artistic expression. You hypocrite.

  • At 2:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Fine. I will return the toenail clippings. But I did eat some of them, so you'll be short a few. I thought that we had agreed that it was "no givesies backsies." But thanks for not deleting me.

    And my raccoon carcass business IS about artistic expression! And don't forget that I have expanded to include oppossum! I MUST have such a huge markup because of the high demand and the hours of labor! Just giving the people what they want.

  • At 7:49 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    Candy, you are STILL pining for Ross Perot to be your main president man? Well hell (or is that Hell?), I been waiting for MY man, Pat Paulsen, to pick this country up and unite us all.

    Or maybe Harry Truman. He'd be good, too.

    But since they are both dead, maybe Al Franken can step in.

    I'll not be picky, picky, picky.
    [You can STILL get Pat Paulsen for President stuff online. I'm getting my PayPal account updated.]

  • At 9:38 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, I'm an Indian giver. There. I said it. Political incorrectness and all.

    Domhan, I don't know how long it's been since I thought of Pat Paulsen, but you have jumpstarted a part of my brain that also houses Silly Putty and Jello 1-2-3.

    And yes, I'm still pining for Ross.

  • At 9:48 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    MMMmmmmmm, SiiiiilllllleeeeeeePuuuuuuudeeeee....


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