Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Reprieve

Dad is doing much better today. I thank you humbly for your prayers.

The short version: The tests finally revealed not the flu, but a wicked urinary tract infection that had sapped every ounce of Dad's strength, given him a high fever, and dehydrated him. With I.V. fluids and antibiotics, he started to get some color back, and slowly, some strength. This morning he was asking his usual questions ("Do I live here?" etc.) and was coherent enough to be disgusted by the hospital scrambled eggs. All the questions had stopped yesterday, and Dad was too sick to even ask about the oxygen mask he was wearing.

He will remain in the hospital for at least another night. My brother stayed there with him last night, and my sister stayed with my mom, who was able for the first time in many months to get an 8-hour chunk of sleep. Getting up many times a night with Dad is a brutal endurance test for an 86-year-old woman. She is tough beyond belief, but extremely worn out.

So Dad is better, and I am praising God for that. But I'm also praising Him because BEFORE Dad was getting better, when things were very bleak, when I was packing my suitcase, I found a substantial amount of peace in accepting whatever the divine plan was. I know that may sound irritating and corny and Bible-thumpie. But it's true.

I am by no means firmly rooted in my belief. I would like to be, but I struggle with it, almost every waking hour, because it's become that central to my thoughts. The questions are always there, like neon balloon animals floating above my head. I'm just grateful that sometimes it feels like I get a sliver, a glimpse of "No, really. I'm in control. I'm God. You don't have to be."

10 Comments:

  • At 8:49 PM, Anonymous Ana said…

    Peace, peace, and more peace.

     
  • At 8:16 PM, Blogger Dana said…

    By no means do you sound bible-thumpie...you sound honest and real.

    Just like you I cry I believe, help me with my disbelief.

    I am praying for your father for you and mostly for your mom. How/where is her faith in this journey?

     
  • At 10:39 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Peace is my favorite word these days. And biggest goal.


    Dana, I'm really working without an "editor" these days. So however I sound, I guess I'm going with it, you know?

    My mom has pretty strong faith, but could use more, like me, like most of us. My main prayer is "I don't know what to say anymore, but here I am."

    Thanks for the prayers.

     
  • At 11:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Let's admit it here and now - it just sucks to be human beings in the here and now, just like it has sucked all the way back to the patriarchs, the Law and Prophets and God's "New Deal" covenant through his Son. His progressive revelation leaves us all stymied, yet burdened by the choice of free will. That sucks, too. He's laid out the problem and His magnificent free grace solution. Why are we so stubborn? Why don't we take Him at his word? 'Cuz we're fallen, self-centered assholes, that's why.

    He's told us all about Himself, His hate of sin and his remedy for it. I think it's all about letting go of ourselves and allowing Him to take over. It ain't easy. I struggle with it daily.

    But it's the only way out. It's the only way to peace of mind and spirit.

    We have to let go and let Him do it, is all I'm saying.

    Peace and love to all of you through the Lord God Almighty.

     
  • At 12:00 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    It's the letting go of ourselves that's so incredibly hard. It reminds me of the old stories in Indiana of the way a badger would drown a dog. Sitting on its head in a pond, and wearing it out and not letting go until it goes under for good.

    It's hard to get the badger off your head. It's hard to let go of yourself.

    But yes, I do think it's the only way to find peace.

    I love this:

    "Why don't we take Him at his word? 'Cuz we're fallen, self-centered assholes, that's why."

     
  • At 6:40 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    I'm so glad to hear your dad's better. Sending more hugs. = ]

     
  • At 3:01 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    It seems like a strange double standard. On the one hand we get criticized if we only praise God during the good times as "fair weather" Christians, but then if we try and show praise and faithfulness in times of trouble the doubters will ask, "How can you worship a god that would let this happen?"

    Classic no-win.

    The Biblical position, however, is that we trust that God is real, He hears us, and hasn't forsaken us. That as hard as it may be at times, we trust that His will is being accomplished, and that He understands better than us the "how come?!" of what's going on. The fact that you seem to be there already means you've probably got a much stronger faith than you give yourself credit for.

    That, and knowing that prayer does works. Glad yer dad is doing better.

     
  • At 12:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Candy - I just wanted you to know I think about you frequently. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers. I hope you can truly experience some peace in these days.

    The Rabbit

     
  • At 5:19 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Steve, EXACTLY on the classic no-win.
    My "peace" was not big faith on my part. It was me saying "If Dad is worn out and wants to 'go' then I need to let him go and put all my energy into helping Mom get through it." But I guess I've matured slightly/somewhat/maybe that way.

    He's still in the hospital, and no word yet on when he's going home. He's regaining strength and asking his incessant questions again. :)

     
  • At 5:19 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    "Rabbit"...
    So glad to hear from you. Check your email.

     

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