Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I Call It "Temptation."

You may be acquainted with my never-ending less-than-successful attempts to downsize. And you may be asking, "How could Candy STILL be struggling with that crap in her house? Why hasn't she just gotten RID of it?"

And so I'm illustrating another of my obstacles. I have many little boxes of goodies that I threw together when I moved to Phoenix. Random small objects.

Here's how it goes: I begin the effort to rid our home of some of the boxes. I open one. I become entranced by the odd assortment of things inside it. Things I forgot I owned! And sometimes I see a theme. As I did when I saw the dime, the rubber snake, and the Barbie garter belt that I've had since grade school.

Barbie. Such a skank. No wonder Skipper turned to substance abuse, and Ken turned to G.I. Joe for comfort.


  • At 8:47 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    skank. very appropriate. hate that Barbie. well done. = ]

  • At 9:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ken and G.I. Joe? Long time companions? Who knew?

  • At 10:03 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I'm a Barbie hater, too, Citlali. She is just trouble.

    Scott, Ken ALWAYS used Barbie as his "beard."

  • At 10:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You have a frickin' Barbie Doll Garter Belt.

    I shield my eyes in the presence of your greatness.

  • At 11:34 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I couldn't even believe it turned up, Ana. Even with all its little plastic stocking clasps intact.

    The bra has gone missing.

    No doubt lost at a drunken Barbie sorority house.

  • At 4:07 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    I never new they made Barbie underwear with garter belts. Wow, my preteen years could have been so much more...interesting.

    Keep looking until you find the Barbie beer-bong and fishnet stockings.

    Word Verification: "chedo"

    As in, how you ask for chedder cheese Doritos when you've got a really bad cold.

  • At 8:46 AM, Blogger Norma said…

    I always wondered what happened to Skipper. You know she's been replaced by Kelly.......

  • At 1:40 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Crap? CRAP??? oneavid, do you not recognize valuable cultural icons when you see them?

    Some of my "crap" was purchased, some was gifted to me by benevolent forces in the universe, some just appears out of the magic of, um, too much crap.

  • At 1:41 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Norma, I have never heard of Kelly. I must catch up on the latest Barbie geneology.

  • At 1:42 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Steve, I think the beer-bong and the fishnets come in a package set with the Malibu Barbie crackpipe.

  • At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    You may have spotted a Kelly Club doll at our house. We have about 300 of them. S LOVES Kelly Club dolls!

    My girls just really aren't so into Barbie. Every now and then, they'll pick them up and play with them; but for the most part, Barbie is ignored. I actually donated almost all of their Barbies and they didn't even notice. I had saved my Barbies for them, including Western Barbie and her horse, Dallas. You press a button on Barbie's back, and her sky-blue eyelid closes in a wink. I think she became popular around the time the Mandrell Sisters had their show on the air. I also had a hot, bright-pink Corvette convertible, and the motorhome. It made me kind of sad that my girls didn't care much about that stuff. But I was also kind of glad, too. You know?

    But I am ever so much more grateful that they don't like the Bratz dolls. I would buy them each a pack of cigarettes before I'd get them a Bratz doll.

    And as for the whole garter belt thing, I recently read an article about a controversial Barbie that was on the shelves in Toys R Us stores. But she is intended "for the adult collector." I think there is a whole big dark Barbie Underworld that I was never aware of.

  • At 2:27 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Ewwww. For adult collectors? Sounds like maybe Barbie's, uh, dark underworld was anatomically correct.

    And still her head is hollow.

  • At 1:58 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    I've been searching eBay for the Dominatrix Barbie, but no one seems to want to part with theirs. I did find the Barbie whip and blindfold, but lost out on the bidding at the last second.

    Darn those bid-bots!

    WV: "Bessed"

    As is, like, yo, that be the bessed blog post Ize read in a long time.

  • At 10:05 AM, Blogger MamaMidwife said…

    Um, Steve, that whole "bessed" WV comment has me peeing my pants.

    And is it OK to comment to another blogger on someone else's blog?

    And I think we all knew that Barbie was really whore at heart. How do you think she got all that stuff? She couldn't have been that great of a lawyer, doctor, teacher, skier, pet groomer, president, horseback rider, zoo-keeper, ballroom beauty, princess, etc.

    Oh, wait. That's it. She's an escort. The kind that will dress up as anything you wish so long as you pay her enough.

    Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the garter belt - which I didn't know she had.

    Did you know that the "new" Barbie's come "painted" with underwear? If you have non-underwear wearing Barbie's they can be worth big bucks - to the "adult" community I imagine.

    My WV - andab

    Got a funny use of this word for me Steve?

  • At 11:45 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    HAAAA> PET GROOMER??? Was she really??

    Wait. Maybe she was a multiple personality.

    In any case, I'm making an appt. to get MY underwear painted on. I'm thinking paisley.

    Mama M., Steve has been on a ROLL lately! But he may be depressed and quiet now that he lost out on the bid for Domi-Barbie.

  • At 10:35 AM, Blogger Dana said…

    I've always said that about Barbie. No wonder my daughters never played with her...such a bad influence.

    And besides that, she gives false hopes for those of us with real life figures.

  • At 2:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, I don't know about Barbie or GI Joe or other young doll whippersnappers.

    Christmas 1957, my parents bought me a Zorro doll (it came complete with my personal outfit of Zorro mask, cape and plastic "sword" which had a round tube at the end of it for chalk (plus three extra chalk sticks to swipe the mark of the Mighty Z wherever it was needed). Long story short, my parents got the Zorro doll and all, but it was missing his plastic "bullwhip." So my Dad called the store (Montgomery Ward as I recall) and requested (or more likely demanded) that Zorro's miniature plastic bull-whip had better well damned show up in time for Christmas or else...) Anyway, Christmas Eve a huge Montgomery Ward truck pulled up outside our lower class home in Grand Prairie Texas to deliver one small, plastic Zorro bullwhip at no charge. How cool was that? That's when customer service meant something.

  • At 2:24 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    Hmmm...lessee. andab

    "An dab a little yellow here, and some green here, and look, we've got some happy little trees. More trees down here by the river, there, isn't that a nice scene?"

    Mine is "looccer"

    As in, getting a text message on your cell from that creepy guy down in shipping that says, "I wud luve to dayt yuo becuz yuo iz such a looccer! You iz hot!"

  • At 10:43 AM, Blogger MamaMidwife said…

    HAAAA HAAAA !!!!

    Bob the Painter, from PBS. I used to actually watch that guy when I was in junior high. My friends and I even bought some of his "tools" and tried to "dab" our own trees.

    And I bet you are a "looccer". But it reminds me more of "I told my dawter if she dint stop buggin her borther I was gonna hafta looccer in 'er room."

    Mine is "floaki"

    Like my spanish dad calling Flo here: "Flo. Aki."

  • At 4:17 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dana, if Barbie looked into the mirror and saw a real-life body, her little plastic hair would melt like Velveeta on a hot plate.

  • At 4:19 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    JWebb...I LOVE that they brought the little Zorro whip to your house. I had forgotten all about how there used to be customer service. Those were different days indeed.

  • At 4:20 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I'll bet you people see messages in yer alphabet soup, too. Deep messages.

  • At 2:03 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    BWAHAHAAA! Mama, I like yurz a lot betterer.


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