Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Never-Ending Battle

Do not argue with my mother about food. More specifically, do not ever bother attempting to convince her that you are, perhaps, not a freak if you have different food preferences than she does.

Because you ARE a freak. Here is a brief list of foods that I cannot stand to eat:

Hot oatmeal with milk poured onto it
Sweet pickles
Sour cream
Pork (except for bacon burned beyond recognition)

My mother has verbally bitchslapped me for not liking these foods. She says "You just don't know what's good. That's what's wrong with you."

The main conflicts we've had over food have centered on mayonnaise. Mom can't fathom what kind of imbecile would eat a sandwich without mayonnaise slathered onto it. Every single time she has made me a sandwich in my entire life, she has either put mayonnaise on it against my will, or, beginning about ten years ago she stopped putting mayonnaise on it automatically, but asks "You want mayonnaise on this?"

To which I respond "How many years have you been asking me if I want mayonnaise and how many years have I been saying no?"

To which she responds with either "I thought maybe you'd snapped out of that crap" or "You still don't know what's good" or her extra snarky "Oh you're just SO picky, aren't you?" And I won't even describe the nuclear blast that occurs when she agrees to put only mustard on the sandwich, but puts it on there WITH HER MAYONNAISE-Y KNIFE! She does this on purpose. She wants to lure me into believing I have won the battle and then she launches her horrible condiment missile into the demilitarized sandwich zone. And she takes great pleasure in doing this.

I've tried to reason with her. I've told her that taste preferences are exactly that: preferences. They are the OPINION of your taste buds. Everyone likes different foods. I deliver a marvelously eloquent speech about how I have never in my life persecuted someone because they like different foods than I like. And that when I make HER a sandwich, I courteously put on the condiments of her choice. Because *I* offer people the freedom to decide what tastes good and what tastes like slimy martian afterbirth. I give examples of the foods that Scott loves to eat, but that I find abhorrent, like sushi, and steaks cooked rare enough to be wrung out like a bloody sock and hung on a clothesline. But because he is FREE TO CHOOSE such disgusting things to eat, I let him be.

"And so," I tell her, "you should get off my back and realize that I will never like mayonnaise and this is my right as a human being."

"Well, you're just a queer," she says. And by "queer," my mother is not referring to a slur on homosexuals. She means that you are too effing stupid and weird to be on the planet. And so you should piss off.

She took extra delight last night when my sister brought her special "Hawaiian Hoagie" for supper. I made broccoli and cheese soup (I do not cook...I mixed up water and powder) and my sister brought the hoagie. It's a big round loaf of bread, sliced into 6 thin bread layers. She stuffs the layers with beef, ham, turkey, onions, cheese, lettuce and tomato on it. And between each layer, she puts on MAYONNAISE. The flack I got at the dinner table for picking off the beef and ham was enough. But when I started performing microscopic surgery on the thing, scraping the multi-layered mayonnaise off with my scalpel and then sponging up the excess, you'd have thought I was jamming a screwdriver into the shiny finish of the dining room table.

My sister and mom were like coyotes suddenly poked with hot sticks while watching baby bunnies run freely over their front paws. My dad and I looked at each other, perplexed, unable to even sort out what they were saying. I did hear a few shrieking words.

Apparently I am a queer.


  • At 4:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Candy, don't argue with your mother. Listen to her. Mothers are always right. SHE CARRIED YOU FOR NINE MONTHS! She knows best what's good for you.

    And what exactly is wrong with the Hawaiian Hoagie?--sounds scrumptuous. Know what would good with it? Cole slaw! With lots of mayo.

    It's a known scientific fact that mayo prevents croup, ague, catarrh, and St. Anthony's Fire. Think about it. Read the Old Farmer's Almanac. We're only thinking what's best for you Candy.

  • At 5:21 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    AAAAAACCCCK. Cole slaw. Bleccch.

    Ain't catarrh that rich place what the Arabs own?

    St. Anthony's Fire? Haven't had that since I sat on a toilet seat in a frat house.

  • At 8:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hawaiian Hoagie. Heh. Was it hot or cold?

  • At 8:50 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    It was cold. And heartless. Just like my mom and sister.

  • At 2:32 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    I have to agee with the whole mayo thing.

    Now, if we were talking Miracle Whip, well, then I'd have to call you...uh...something bad.

  • At 7:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You can't hold a candle to my discriminating tastes.

    Cheese? No! Except on pizza. Or a toasted cheese sandwich. Never on a hamburger! (Actually, nothing on a burger except salt)

    Mushrooms? Nice try. Never. Period! You can't even sneak them in stroganoff. Which I won't eat unless being polite at someone's house.

    Lima beans? Please.
    String beans? Okay.

    A Peanut Butter sandwich? One of the staples.
    Peanut Butter and Jelly? Not even at someone's house to be polite!

  • At 9:51 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Uh-oh. Steve. It WAS Miracle Whip. Which is just fake martian stuff. I can't eat it either.
    It's just the equally disgusting stepsister.

  • At 9:52 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    onavid, I'm picky, but you're just weird. I judge you. Not liking PB&J is unAmerican.

  • At 9:53 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Oh, and, oneavid, you musta came from one of them hoity families who calls it "toasted cheese." In the rural areas, it's "grilled cheese."

    Next you'll be saying Crocque Monsieur.

  • At 1:07 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    omg, you ARE a queer. ::sigh:: there is no hope for you. lol. you can tell your mom i LOVE mayonnaise. L-O-V-E it and all it's cholesterolly goodness. I don't care. And it has to be Best Foods. That Whip stuff makes me shudder all over. Mmm, let's see. I do put it on hamburgers, sandwiches, even make hot dipping sauce for my SUSHI with it. What do you think of me now? Oh, don't worry. I don't put it on toasted cheese sandwiches but I used to have a friend that did. Now THAT was gross!

  • At 3:46 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Oh was so nice being your friend. But now I must disown you for your very unreasonable food preferences.
    We are separated now, by the Mayo Wall.

    Farewell, friend. I'll be over here in the Blecch-Free Zone.

  • At 3:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Maybe you can work it out in the Mayo Clinic?


  • At 4:34 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Scott, for that, you're going to Hellman.

  • At 6:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sorry. Puns just bring out my best.

  • At 6:09 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    That was your BEST???

    Oy vey.


  • At 12:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm a Miracle Whip kinda guy myself (no religious or SM connotations). But you might consider the British alternative - butter. I never had a sandwich in Great Britain that wasn't slathered in butter. Ham & cheese with butter. Club sandwich - butter. Hamburger (for crying out loud!) BUTTER. I think they do that to distract from the room-temperature beer served with it - coupled with the National Health Care Dentists Cartel. FWIW.

  • At 12:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ooops. Just missed numero two on your list. "Butter."

    So, you know, never mind.

  • At 12:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I've always been slow on play ketchup.

  • At 12:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    Oh, screw it.

  • At 6:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I was so happy to see a post and also your real e-mail.

    Foods I don't like are sweet pickles, watermelon or any type of melon (people think that is weird) and coconut.

    I love sour cream, margarine and mayo but they are really fattening so good things not to like. I would also love to have some of your mom's good oatmeal.

    Great post!

  • At 10:47 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    See JWebb? SEE what you get when you align yourself with that evil nectar, butter? It fouls up your typing. I rest my case. Upper and lower.

  • At 10:48 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Belle, I'll trade you all my share of mayo, sour cream and margarine for all of your watermelons. Seedless.

  • At 4:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You know what you don't see much of anymore? Chop Suey. Used to be that in any town of any size at all you'd see a lot of restaurants, Chinese mostly, and they would have these neon signs in the window saying Chop Suey. And now they don't. It's too bad because I really liked those little toasted noodles. Candy, bet your mom would agree with me 100%.

  • At 10:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Scott. Whip up a batch of Aioli. Extra garlic. And some blanched veggies. Put them in front of her. I want to see that post.

  • At 10:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It's funny, Ana. I don't like store bought mayo either, but we're both crazy about a nouvelle kind of Caesar dressing I make that's like a really loose garlic aioli.

    Turing test word: whinging . Swear to God.

  • At 11:44 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Tony, I ain't seen any chop suey in a long time either.

    Joke in a Chinese restaurant...

    Customer: Waiter, my chicken is rubbery!

    Waiter: Sank you!

  • At 11:45 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    You mean you have been sneaking mayo into my food, Scott? You traitor. You will get yours. I'm back home now. And I know where the knives are. And at some point you have to sleep.

  • At 8:45 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    lol. yeah, I was afraid of that... Nevertheless, I'll wave at you from over the Mayo wall once in a while. Foodist. = ]

  • At 8:46 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    oh, I'm sending you some mayo-free hugs too. = ]

  • At 9:36 PM, Blogger Jenni said…

    I know of a person who is literally phobic towards mayonnaise, as in, she is actually SCARED of it. What is the term for fear of mayonnaise, I wonder? I just don't like it because it's so friggin difficult to spell.

  • At 11:33 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Thanks for the mayo-free hugs, Citlali. It's lonely on this side of the wall without you!

  • At 11:34 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    It's as hard to spell as it is blecchy.
    Fear of mayo: Goopaphobia.

  • At 2:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    UGH! Mayonnaise! PUKE!!!! And the whole contaminated knife thing--I agree. I don't want a drop of that nasty stuff anywhere near my food. I like my sandwiches condiment-free, thank you very much. I always have to pull ahead at the drive-through. And if I order a grilled cheese for lunch at a restaurant, I always ask them to NOT put a pickle in my basket or on my plate. Because then I will have to tear off the bread where it touched, and it might ruin some of my fries and I want every last damn fry.

    I'm so glad I'm not the only queer one.

    It's amazing how many things contain mayonnaise, isn't it?

  • At 6:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I've always suspected we were twins separated at birth, Candy, but this post confirms it. I can't abide beef or pork, either. It's a texture thing. Honestly, I can barely stand to watch people cut into steak--too many stretchy, squishy, cow-y parts.

    But I am mighty fond of mayo.

    *Runs and hides*

  • At 7:10 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Oh my gosh, Futuresis. Now I have to disown YOU because you cannot appreciate the perfection of a good dill pickle.

    I'm running out of friends.

  • At 7:12 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    OK wait. I take that back. You earned a lotta points with the contaminated knife thingy. Come back!

    But YOU, Jackie O. You've distressed me with your love of mayo. I'm sending you to live with my mother.

  • At 8:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    well, i'm all confused now. I like everything on your list except margarine but you have announced that you're queer (I am willfully ignoring your little caveat). I always thought we were sort of like Christ and Anti-Christ (heh ... i keep typing Christa when i mean to type Christ), but now you're playing on my team so maybe my personality theology is all wrong ...

    damn you, candy.

    my word verification is sly tingl ... is that what you always wanted between tutorials?

  • At 8:39 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said… ain't MY caveat, it's my momma's.

    Christ and anti-?

    Which was I? Need I ask?

    I thought we were more like Chip and Dale. Little furry woodland creatures scurrying around this big scary world, chittering at each other.

    Looking for sly tingles.

    See? Isn't that better than theological personality theories?

    Cartoon chipmunks trump that deep crap.

  • At 8:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    chip and dale has the extra advantage of suggesting stripping ...

  • At 1:07 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Always with your mind in the gutter, c...

    How do you live with yourself?


  • At 1:00 AM, Blogger MamaMidwife said…

    I love, love, love both Miracle Whip and Mayo. So there. Actually, I'm a big fan of all things condiment and dipping sauce related.

    My brother, however: same parents, same screwed up childhood....has never touched any condiment in his life. No ketchup, mustard, mayo, Miracle Whip, steak sauce, BBQ sauce, sour cream, ranch, etc. Never. And he never will.

    Because he's queer. Like the way yo' mama means it.


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