Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Monday, October 13, 2008

Growth

Since we're on the topic of the hazards of growing old, I'll share with you my mother's take on it:

"All you do when you get old is sit around and grow things you don't need. Tumors, corns, bunyons, bone spurs, cysts, stiff hairs on your chin, moles, lumps, ingrown toenails, bumps on your skin,...did I say moles yet?"

She pauses.

"And then as soon as you go get one thing chopped off, you grow nine more."

12 Comments:

  • At 5:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Candy, I'm scared. Nine more?

    Yikes.

    Hold me.

     
  • At 7:04 PM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Oh crap. I am really going to have to hurry up and develop an amazing sense of humor to deal with all of that stuff. And start sacking away money for electrolysis.

     
  • At 7:49 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Fear not, pinkthis. I'm pretty sure the "nine more" referred to the chin hairs.

    Futuresis, maybe we can get a two-for-one deal.

     
  • At 8:50 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    yeah, she's absolutely right. moles, moles and more moles. I was born with enough, you know? mmmhhmm. freaken things just keep popping up. ugh. a perfectly appropriate bit of wisdom for Monday. THIS Monday in particular. It's been one of those SPECIAL ones. hugs to your moms. = ]

     
  • At 9:14 AM, Blogger Dana said…

    I am merely in the peri- stage and yet the horrid facial hair has appeared and reappeared despite all the plucking and waxing I can stand.

    And I don't care what the box says, it does NOT cover gray.

    I'm with pinkthis, if this is the beginning then I'm scared....

     
  • At 12:39 PM, Blogger Jenni said…

    Your mother is sheer, unadulterated brilliance. The hydra of aging...I'm logging that one away for future chuckles...

     
  • At 12:45 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Citlali, And they are not the kind you can play Whack-a-Mole with.

    Dana, I've got an agreement with an old friend that whichever one of us ends up in a nursing home first, the other one has to come there regularly to pluck her chin hairs.

     
  • At 12:46 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jenni, I thought of that too! Using a big sword on the many-headed thing, to no avail. I can even see the cheesy, fakey scene from some old movie it was in.

     
  • At 11:18 AM, Anonymous Tony said…

    Did you mention nose hairs? My eyes aren't as good as they should be. But look, did you ever see Cacoon? And Cacoon: The Return?

    They're about these group of Mature Seniors that somehow find this secret swimming pool and they jump in and, VIOLA!--they all get their groove back. Inspriring.

    Don Ameche stars and when did you last see him in a movie? (Don't confuse him with his brother, Jim.)

    So just rent the two films, fix a hot milky drink like Ovaltine, spread the afghan over your knees and float away into the magic world of wish-fulfillment.

    Jessica Tandy is as hot as ever and Maureen Stapleton...well, you know what I mean, right guys?

    She's not in them, but Pola Negri...the leopard skin rug? But I digest....

     
  • At 6:02 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    That's one of the best movies ever, Tony. Loved it. I can't remember if I ever saw "Cocoon: The Return."

    How could I have left out NOSE HAIRS?

    I guess I was distraught over Madonna's (shocking) impending divorce.

     
  • At 1:49 PM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Madonna?! Divorce?! Are you sure?????

    Whoda thunk it.

     
  • At 7:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I love your mother almost as much as I love you. And, she's absolutely right here. Aging sucks. Anita Yuck! 62!!!

     

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