Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

What Can We Name the Baby?

Don't freak. I have not conceived.

But baby names are the topic at our house. I saw on someone's blog the other day that a friend of hers had named her baby girl "Story." Which I thought was cool. As in, write your own, kid. Reject whatever sad narrative the world wishes to glom onto you. This is your movie.

Then I saw in the celebrity news that Minnie Driver gave birth to a baby boy and his middle name is Story.

What is the deal?

Baby names have always fascinated me. So much so that I actually once purchased a book called 15,000 Baby Names just so I could look at them all, never intending to be a parent.

In my college dorm, my girlfriends and I would get into all manner of philosophical discussions late at night. Topics ranged from our future careers to space travel to the meaning of grades, to our periods. One night we started talking about which words would be beautiful names for girls if not for the meaning of the word. My friend Mary said "Diarrhea." And indeed. Listen to the beautiful music of "Diarrhea" as you fence yourself off from its meaning. Ahhh. Dia-rrhea. Look at you in that gorgeous prom dress, Diarrhea. Your beau can't wait to load you in the car. Don't run!

On my favorite soap opera, "The Bold and the Beautiful" (home of deliciously bad acting) there are brothers named Thorn and Ridge. They have a brother-in-law (who recently killed himself to give his heart to his sister Donna) named Storm.

Scott and I now keep trying to think of other nouns that could be used to name a baby. Some are more hip than others. See if you can add to our list:
















and my personal favorite, Cochlea.

But we're afraid she might want implants.


  • At 11:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    How 'bout the dulcet tones of "Vagina"? Maybe "Clitoris"? Lovely feminine names, dontcha think? I'm also rather fond of "Pastor," "Tympany," and "Samoa."

    This is fun!

  • At 11:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


  • At 11:59 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Ooooh! You guys are good at this!

    Give me samoa!

    Jackie O., we could go for the space-girl sound of Cervix.

    JWebb, I'm guessing a lot of kids probably have that name, secretly.

  • At 11:48 AM, Blogger EB said…

    A woman whose blog I read named her daughter Pilot, and while I normally might not like such a name, it fits this kid.


    That wasn't funny or inappropriate.

    What the hell is wrong with me?!

  • At 11:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Syphilis. LOL, my Mom swears she meet a women years ago who claimed she was going to name her daughter Clitoris - this woman was not joking and obviously not very bright.

  • At 2:44 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    yikes. being born in 1971, a child of a wanna-be hippie, I've always hada similar fascination with unusual names. Apple is the one that really caught ny attention recently. It makes no sense whatsoever to name someone that but it sounds great -- like diarrhea. I'll add:
    * sangria
    * chocolate and
    * saba
    to the list since I'm partial to food. mmm. No wonder apple sounds good to me. = ]

  • At 2:48 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    oh, and speaking of implants, areola sounds great too. AND the plural areolaE. either one. = ]

  • At 2:50 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I like Pilot.

    Travolta named his kid Jet, right?

    Syphilis. So gentle sounding. And so not.

    Sangria is the perfect hippie-kid name.

    Citlali, I tried to like Apple but it just made me cringe. To the core.

  • At 3:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Is she any relation to Heather Cochlear?

  • At 3:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    How about Scrofula?

  • At 6:01 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Very infectious name.

  • At 7:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sure, you could go with something fasmiliar and homely--Sphincter or Dorito. But I favor a name with a contemporary, post-industrial feel: SnackPak. Rough, male, abrupt--and yet comforting in its connotation of quik'n easy comfort fare. Or just go with Douche.

  • At 8:02 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Tony, it is now time for us to have a child.

    Scott will understand. He likes SnackPaks.

    My ex-husband's name is Douche.

  • At 11:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Trinket. Homminy. Palsy. Torch. (you wait. That's the next big name.) Virus.Dozer.

  • At 12:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm now leaning towards jackie o's, "Somoa." That way, the christening gift could be to "that special Somoan..."

  • At 12:36 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…


    A pun has appeared. And here it is well past midnight.

    Special samoan indeed.

    Also, ain't that a girl scout cookie?

  • At 12:37 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Torch. Ana, I think you have something. That sounds very Paltrowian.

  • At 7:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I spent some time in California in the mid 80's and knew a psych patient who had named her boy Darvon since that was her favorite drug. Also Peyote was a name I saw there.

    Also a child in our local school system had the name Strawberry.

    At my nursing home, we had a patient named Ruby Cherry once. I loved her name and she had a great personality to go with it. I think she was a stripper in her younger years. What is that fun stripper name thing where you put the name of your first pet with the name of the first street you lived on to get your stripper name? Mine would be Max Mulberry.

    If you want other Girl Scout cookie names, there is Trefoil, Tagalong, and Thin Mint.

  • At 7:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My mom, a science teacher, always liked to tell her kids that she named me Saliva Euglena.

  • At 10:49 AM, Blogger Domhan said…

    When I was a wee girl, I met a very old, very tiny (like 4 foot 5 inch tall) woman named Snow Beach. She had white hair and wore those black orthopedic looking shoes. She had to have been born in, like, 1880.

    The Sig Oth and I got drunk one time and decided that our son and his new wife should have five chilluns and that we should save them the trouble of naming their own offspring. Here are the names we emailed them that night: Floopy, Spaz, Kegel, Aardwark, and Ballywacker.

  • At 10:53 AM, Blogger Domhan said…

    Forgot all about this until now. When my mother was 7 months pregnant for me, there was a horrible and icy flood at the house we lived in by the creek. The creek rose so high so quickly that my parents and brothers had to wade to the car in water that was belly-deep on my mom.

    My grandmother insisted that my name reflect that incident.

    Even though my birth certificate says something entirely different, for years my grandmother called me "Water Lou".

  • At 1:24 PM, Blogger Lisa Dunick said…

    My mom once had a student in her class named Female (pronounced fee-mall-eh) because the mother thought the baby was already named when she saw the birth certificate.

  • At 2:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Amazing stories.

    I have an ancestor whose name was Ernestina Wilhemina. That just rolls right off of your tongue.

    I also love those parents who tortue their boys with names like Edward Ward or James James. Why???????????

    I live in a town where we have a street named after a civic leader whose name was Harry Baals. Poor guy.

  • At 2:23 PM, Blogger mgm said…

    When I was preggo with Skeet, our joke name was Zephyr Merlin. We tortured my mother by claiming we'd call him "Zima" for short.

    How about . . .


    Prostitutia (Candy, your favorite)

    Savage Pagan (my hypothetical second child's in-utero name)



  • At 2:34 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I wish Snow Beach and Ruby Cherry could have been friends. Think of the quilts they'd have sewn and the sayings that would've come out of their mouths.

  • At 2:35 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Kodora-Fox, I love that your mom found just the right middle name to go with Saliva. As though THAT wasn't cool enough by itself. :)

  • At 2:36 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Domhan, as I recall, you were also fond of the name Dorkfish.

  • At 2:38 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    This has all only made my obsession with names worse. My head is spinning like a plastic daisy in a trailer park.

  • At 3:28 PM, Blogger E. said…

    In second grade, my friend Caroline McIntosh told me about her intention to name her future daughter "Saliva."

    I know a family whose last name is Stream. Their kids? Brook and Lake. They should've had a third kid and named it "Forceful."

  • At 4:08 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    The Streams. Brook and Lake will be in a little bit of therapy.

    But not as much as their next kids, Jet and Urine.

  • At 6:30 PM, Blogger mgm said…

    My father claims to know a family by the last name of Lear. They named their daughter Chrystal Chanda.

  • At 6:47 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dang, mgm, and here I was, thinkin yer dad was OFF the crack pipe!

  • At 8:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Looks like a "Dremel" to me.

  • At 11:24 AM, Blogger Jenni said…

    Cicada Exuvial.

    It's beautiful. Just beautiful.

  • At 10:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "My head is spinning like a plastic daisy in a trailer park." See, Candy? That's why I read your blog with fullest concentration and Bic in hand. Beautiful; apt; and not available in any store. Keep 'em coming; I plan to steal everything for classroom use.

  • At 9:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I read a law case involving Star Dancer. Though this was her name...she was a stripper. There might be something to names and future occupations.

  • At 2:18 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jenni, Cicada Exuvial sounds so, so, SOUTHERN. She lives on a plantation. I know she does.

    Anonymous, how could "Star Dancer" be anything else??? Doomed from the start, I tellya.

  • At 2:20 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Tony, very nice touch with the Bic. Remember the commercials where they used a Bic to puncture the top of a can, and it still wrote?

    Do you have plastic daisies in the Bronx?

  • At 5:26 PM, Blogger Steve B said…

    I always thought "Areola" would be a really pretty name.

  • At 5:52 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Steve, that's on accounta you bein' odd and all.

    We had a typing teacher way back in junior high named Sandy Nipple.


  • At 8:05 AM, Blogger Zaroga said…

    I've enjoyed this post. I've actually seen Vagina as a first name.

    My parents named me Zaroga.. just divide it into 3 equal syllables for pronoucitation... a made up name.

    My parents both came from large families with lots of family members with the same name. They wanted to know when their children were being talked about :-) I am number four of five zees.

  • At 12:41 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Four of 5, I totally dig the whole 5 Z-names thing. What daring parents you have!
    And the theory is hilarious: we'll be able to hear when our kids are talked about. HA!


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