Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Friday, July 25, 2008

Life Lesson for a Friday




First, let me explain the picture. For several years I made photo Christmas cards featuring the one and only Hankie. This one is my depiction of Hankie as a shepherd. The card said "Hankie was delighted to have been chosen to play a shepherd in the Christmas pageant. Though he was not thrilled with the costume department."

I sent it out, and several people told me that he did not look like a shepherd. He looked like Mother Teresa. I renamed the photo "Hankie Teresa."

Now that we're all in a spiritual frame of mind, here is the lesson:

About ten years ago, when Hankie and I were living in a long, skinny, shotgun designed apartment, I was sitting on the couch in the living room, minding my own business, watching TV. Suddenly, from the back of the apartment, Hankie came RUNNING. Bounding through the living room as fast as he could. And Lord above us help me, there was a MOUSE chasing him. Just inches behind him, and keeping up the exact same pace as Hankie. I did what any thinking person would do: I leapt up onto the couch, crouching like a spider monkey, screaming my lungs out.

Hankie made a lap through the apartment, and then another, while I tried to gather my wits into a small pile so I could figure out what to do. I was surprised, most of all, that Hankie was this frightened by a mouse. When he ran back in on the third lap, he was moving more slowly, having worn himself out. Then he stopped. The mouse stopped, too. Abruptly.

[Important piece of information: I had waist-length hair at the time.]

There is a reason why the mouse had been so perfectly synchronized with Hankie's pace. It wasn't a mouse. It was, in fact, a turd, held captive by the connection of a very, very long human hair that Hankie had somehow ingested. When he ran, it kept up.

Still with my body in full horror-crouch, I sat stunned. I had to help him. I jumped off my perch of safety, grabbed a Kleenex, hurried after him. I held him with one hand and tried to help him give birth to the hair-turd-chain with the other. Cats do not like it much at all when you try to pull something out of their butt. Hankie let out a yowl that would make a pirate piss his pants. He took off running at full speed again, followed closely by the turd, which was followed by me and my Kleenex.

Finally, I cornered him in the back hallway, told him it would be OK, and quickly snapped the hair, releasing his firstborn turdlet. In seconds, he was back to his old self, happy, content, yawning.

The lesson: Don't run from your shit. The sooner you slow down and let someone help you leave it behind, the better your life will be.

38 Comments:

  • At 8:32 AM, Anonymous Belle said…

    When did you have waist length hair? I never knew you in that stage of life. This is a priceless story with my very favorite picture of Hankie! Thank you!

    Candy is back!

     
  • At 10:36 AM, Anonymous kirby said…

    This is the funniest cat story ever told...

     
  • At 11:26 AM, Blogger JBelle said…

    that Hankie! Coined a new phrase, he did: the hair-turd chain phenomenon of life. damn. if only Jung was still around, he would articulate this perfectly. actually, I guess it doesn't matter because you summed it up quite nicely. :) xoxox

     
  • At 11:26 AM, Blogger JBelle said…

    and hey, you're positive Hankie wasn't a member of the Nation of Islam?

     
  • At 1:04 PM, Anonymous Jackie O. said…

    You know, it's probably a good thing that I never had the opportunity to meet Hankie face-to-furry-face. One live encounter with all that cuteness would have made my face melt off.

     
  • At 1:15 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Belle, I still have waist-length hair. Though I'm finally growing weary of it.

    Kirby, I hope Hankie wouldn't mind that I made it public!

     
  • At 1:16 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Hankie would've like Jung. It was Pavlov he feared. :)

     
  • At 1:17 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jackie,
    He made my face melt off a bunch of times. I had to use a putty knife to put it back on.

    Send me your email address! My address book has imploded.

    Candyrant@earthlink.net

     
  • At 7:53 PM, Blogger Carin said…

    You know, you can't run from shit. It just follows you until you stop and deal.

    Word.

     
  • At 9:12 PM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    Word.

     
  • At 9:19 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Carin, that is SO righteous, man.

     
  • At 9:20 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Scott, you're my homie.

     
  • At 9:43 PM, Blogger E. said…

    Oh my lord! This totally happened to us! Back when my husband had hair nearly down to his butt, our cat got a turd hung to her asshole by the end of one of his hairs. It was so horrifying. I went and grabbed the rubber dishwashing gloves and chased her down 'til I could pull it off. I still have a very vivid kinesthetic memory of pulling a hair out of a cat's ass. A very creepy sensation. (Though more for her, I'm sure, than me.)

     
  • At 7:03 AM, Anonymous Belle said…

    Wow. Guess it has been a long time since we have seen each other. I will need a picture sent on regular e-mail! I'm jealous. I have never been able to get my hair to grow past my shoulders and gave up years ago.

     
  • At 1:12 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    I'm sorry to hear about Hankie. I think of my friend Toby--he's a King Charles Cavalier--and anticipate the agony...then strike it from my mind because it serves no purpose to anticipate something that bad.

    You've had a bad couple of months, but you have a lot of friends and lots of support. I hope that helps. The things you say about your experiences are helpful to me; I find comfort in knowing how similar many of us humans are and how we experience pain, but somehow move forward. We are a very unusual species. I like us.

    The things you write help me feel that way.

     
  • At 10:17 PM, Anonymous Ana said…

    Fantastic!!!

     
  • At 5:39 AM, Blogger ~:*:*:Pixie:*:*:~ said…

    LMAO!!!! Thank God it was a hair and not Christmas tree tinsel (just based on personal experience).

    Beautiful memory... bringing giggles.

    Good night, Hankie.
    Good night, lemon tree.

    Good night, (((Candy)))

     
  • At 5:29 PM, Blogger Dana said…

    I saw that you strated posting about my favorite cat and I thought "Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap...noooo" (no pun intended!)

    I am so sorry for your loss. I truly love the Hankie stories.

    Then again, I have loved every story you have told.

     
  • At 6:01 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Thank you, Dana, for the nice words. I love every Hankie story, too. He was an amazing presence in our house.

     
  • At 12:38 AM, Blogger Citlali said…

    omg. I'm crying AGAIN. I started reading this to myself and then quickly stopped -- restarting to read outloud to Sweetie. That proved almost impossible by the time I got to the reveal on the true identity of the "mouse". We were both laughing so hard listening to this story unfold that we could barely speak or listen to each other. I have tears of laughter running down my cheeks. priceless... = ]

    Sweetie says he wishes he could write like that. I guess we can't all be blessed with this kind of inspiration. wow. lots of hugs. love the Hankie Teresa photo.

     
  • At 12:41 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Citlali! Wow, it's good to see you. Glad you liked Hankie's inspiring poop-run.

     
  • At 1:26 PM, Blogger Jenni said…

    Candy, I seriously busted a gut laughing at this story. I know everybody SAYS "LOL" but very rarely does it actually happen to me. This was for real hilarious, and the moral at the end was beyond perfect. Thank you for sharing, and I am sorry for the loss of Hankie.

     
  • At 6:50 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Glad you liked it, Jenni. I'm still hoping Hankie isn't mad at me for telling his little story of confusion. But then I guess it was more my confusion than his.

    He was a fantastic cat.

     
  • At 8:29 PM, Blogger mudmaven said…

    I'm sitting here watching the debates laughing my ass off and my dh is looking at me like I've lost my mind. In my long lost youth, I had a cockerpoo who had the whole butt bomb thing going on and who had this wild crazy cat chasing after her trying to catch it! Three full grown women watching the show peeing in their pants laughing! Thanks for bringing back that wonderful memory! ~chris

     
  • At 8:32 PM, Blogger MamaMidwife said…

    Oh My Goodness!! Holy Moses!! I am crying! Actually crying I am laughing so, so hard. I have to thank Jenni for directing her readers to this post and then I must thank Candy Rant for the funniest darn thing I have read lately.

    You rock.

     
  • At 8:48 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Mudmaven,
    I cannot even imagine THREE members of that chase. What a picture!

     
  • At 8:49 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Mamamidwife,
    I'm so glad you appreicate Hankie's "lesson." He was humbled by it himself!

     
  • At 10:29 PM, Blogger LaLa said…

    Oh wow that is a great story. Especially because unfortunately that same little horror-chase-yank routine is familiar to me! Great moral to the story. I was so busy scrubbing my memory clean that I might have missed that little lesson!

     
  • At 10:43 PM, Blogger Amanda said…

    Who knew such a hilarious cat poop story would have such a profound moral? Thanks for sharing...

     
  • At 12:03 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    LaLa and Amanda,
    Hankie taught me many good things in his 20 years on Earth. This one was just the slapstickiest. :)
    Glad you liked it.

     
  • At 9:10 AM, Blogger Jennie said…

    Jenni at One Thing sent me and dearLord, I have not laughed this hard in a long time.

     
  • At 9:28 AM, Blogger Kelly B said…

    that must be the funniest blog I've read...I know the feeling...I have a Persian cat that I have to "wipe" alot. Anyway, glad I foudn your blog (through Shauna's blog) needed a good laugh!

     
  • At 9:36 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I had no idea what a Sisterhood of Catwipers there was, out there in hiding!

     
  • At 11:12 AM, Blogger C.J. Redwine said…

    A friend sent me the link to this article. Thanks for the laugh!! I had to perform a similar "Tug and Howl" procedure on my own cat when she unwisely ingested a long piece of thread.

    It took days for her to forgive me.

     
  • At 8:40 PM, OpenID minnesotamom said…

    HOOOOOOO!!! So funny I had to re-read it out loud to my husband!

     
  • At 8:49 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I'm honored, Minnesota Mom!

    Hankie took one for the team. :)

     
  • At 10:06 PM, Blogger Sparrow said…

    this shot of the hank seemed the most appropriate place to ask you if you have ever been to www.stuffonmycat.com
    It is a lovely site for people to post pics of their patient felines with all manner of clothes, food, random objects stacked on them

     
  • At 10:35 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Sparrow, I think I saw that site a long time ago, but forgot all about it. I'll go check it out again.

    I sure miss the hank.

     

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