Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

You Have Summoned Me?



(Last year's Thanksgiving post, warmed up, served again. Because of my laziness. Happy Thanksgiving!)

That's right. Take a good look.

I have always been this ugly. I never went to the prom. I frightened young children. And I was picked last for every barnyard game. Even when I got onto a team, the game was almost always Red Rover, and I was too weak to break through the link between the cow and the goat, no matter how fast I ran.

So go ahead. Chop off my head and cook me and eat me. What do I care? I long for the afterlife where I might become a fuzzy bunny or a cute yellow chick.

What's that? You wish to know if there is anything I'd have done differently in my life? Yes, many things. I'd have tried to be more of a leader than a follower. I'd have eaten on the good china every day. I'd have come inside the barn when it rained, instead of looking upward to my near-drowning. I would tell someone, anyone, the key to life that I've discovered. In fact, I will tell you.

All you need to know is--

WHACK


Thud.

17 Comments:

  • At 5:59 PM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Still just as good as it was last year! Happy Thanksgiving! :-)

    PS--I was kidding about the peace sign cupcakes. We got a SpongeBob cake instead. Because SpongeBob is much more Thanksgiving-y than peace signs.

     
  • At 1:20 AM, Anonymous JWebb said…

    Good Lord Almighty - I missed this beautiful post until now. Got to think about it more before putting my neck on the line with a comment. Thanks Mistress Candy...

    Bubba

     
  • At 11:05 AM, Anonymous Tony said…

    "All you need to know is...[put your claws in front of your beak when you sneeze.]

    I'm just guessing of course, but it's good advice for anyone, especially during cold season.

     
  • At 11:28 AM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    You're brilliant, Candy.

    Of course, I could be biased.

     
  • At 12:32 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Of COURSE I heard Spongebob has a peace sign tattooed on his back. But it happened during his brief stint at the community college. He doesn't talk about it.

     
  • At 12:33 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Bubba, oh my! How did you ever go on!
    xoxoxoxo

     
  • At 12:33 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Tony, I'm still laughing at that image. Poor little turkey with his claws over him widdle beak.

     
  • At 12:34 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Scott, how have you managed to chew through the duct tape AGAIN?!

     
  • At 4:36 PM, Blogger Chilebrown said…

    Ahh you shucks, you are just funnin us. I bet you stufffed that head with meat and had a good time.
    I never like to look at the beast before slaughter. I like my protien shrink wrapped and Kosher.
    Each to us own. In the imortal words of Rodney King "Can't we get along! Ouch,OUch, stop that!

     
  • At 9:09 PM, Anonymous Ana said…

    Happy Thanksgiving Candy!

     
  • At 11:23 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Chilebrown, a carnivore like you???I figured you'd be into the whole shoot 'em and drag 'em home, Ted Nugent kinda thing.

    Also, I don't like to look at the beast before slaughter either. Which is why I blindfolded myself until Scott said his vows.

     
  • At 11:24 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    You too, Ana! Belated, that is.

     
  • At 11:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hahahahaha, we had a massacre at our place as well...and enjoyed it!

     
  • At 5:05 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    I KNEW there was a good reason that turkey never tasted good to me. If the suckers are this ugly and miserable, 'cause he does look pretty darn sad, then how can he possibly taste good? Mystery solved. Sushi anyone? = ]

     
  • At 1:31 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    Turkeys aren't ugly. Why, with that golden brown skin after extensive basting, the succulent white meat...

    I'm really quite enamored of the little buggers.

     
  • At 1:22 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Sushi! AAACK. Citlali, you and Scott will have to have my share of sushi on the planet. I've tried it and couldn't cope.

    Steve, Shhhh. The turkey ain't got any idea he's about to be cooked, ate, and burped. Let him have his dreams.

     
  • At 6:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Even a disgusting picture of a turkey's head is enough to get Candy going! Maybe I will challenge her with a totally unrelated picture and ask her to write about it. Let's test Candy! BTW - the two of us both cackled when we read WHACK and thud!

     

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