Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Disturbing Christmas Ornament #3


Think back.

Do you remember when you used to go and sit on Santa's knee? You'd be all "...and I want a bicycle and a little book about cats and a..."

And he got a weird look in his eye and then his nice red suit started to bulge (do not make this dirty) and then his muscles mutated and popped the buttons off his coat and tore it to shreds. Remember?

And then in Santa's hideous green glory he asked you, in an unearthly death growl, what else you wanted ole Santa to bring you. But by then you had already peed on him from the sheer terror, and as you were jettisoned across the velvet rope into the line of whimpering, also-peeing children, all you really wanted for Christmas was to escape Santa Hulk before he ripped out your greedy little heart and made you eat it.

At home, you changed out of the pants you'd laid your own yuletide log in and hid under your blankets.

But Santa will still find you. On Christmas Eve he will be squeezing one bulbous green thigh at a time down into your chimney. Visions of sugarplums? Yeah. Sure.

14 Comments:

  • At 7:42 AM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    I'm not going to be able to go to sleep on Christmas Eve. No way. I'll be up making sure the doors are all locked, the windows are boarded up, and there is a roaring fire in the fireplace.

    I don't want anything for Christmas. Really. I mean it. Just pass us by, Santa Hulk.

    What a terrifying Christmas ornament.

     
  • At 7:56 AM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    I have to admit- when I first saw it, I thought he was picking up a cooler full of beer.

     
  • At 8:20 AM, Blogger Domhan said…

    I just soiled my elf tights.

     
  • At 9:20 AM, Blogger c . . . said…

    "your own yule log" ... oh, Candy, I miss you ...

     
  • At 11:08 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, you never sleep on Christmas Eve anyway. You're always up on a crack-binge, working those cute Christmas jigsaw puzzles, then getting mad and pouring motor oil on them when the pieces won't fit.

     
  • At 11:09 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    It DOES look like a cooler of beer! See? I knowed there was a reason why you and me had them nuptials.

     
  • At 11:10 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    "elf tights"

    Soiled or not, that is a fantastically silly phrase.

     
  • At 11:11 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    c... I miss you too. That office was more like home to me than my house was. Which shows that I am pitiful.
    If I'd had Hankie there, I could've just moved in.

     
  • At 2:13 PM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    We all need traditions.

     
  • At 3:09 PM, Blogger LD said…

    You've gotta post a picture of the finished tree. Your ornaments are making my plain little tree jealous.

     
  • At 3:33 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Wait. These are supposed to go on a tree?

     
  • At 4:06 PM, Anonymous Diana said…

    You took them all with you, didn't you.

     
  • At 4:13 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Took them with me to Phoenix? Well yeah. How else would I be taking pictures of 'em?

    But you should've seen the ones we DID get rid of. Oy vey.

     
  • At 7:42 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    Just think, if the Jolly Green Giant got an erection, it would probably look something like that ornament.

    Now that puts me off me provender.

    Do you think Mrs. Jolly Green Giant ever said to her husband, "Is that the Incredible Hulk in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

    I don't understand any of this.

     

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