Candy's Extra-Special Monday Meme

In honor of Futuresis's birthday today, I have made a special meme. I answered the questions and now am tagging her. And anyone else who drops by. Answer any question that appeals to you. Happy Meme Birthday, Futuresis!


Pick your most despicable ex. Name 2 things you would like to throw at him/her:

1. A sledgehammer, on fire.
2. His mother. Naked. And on fire.


Name 3 jobs you would like to apply for in the afterlife:

1. Loading up the "Glass-Shard-and-Lava Shooter" pointed at O.J.'s rectum.
2. Forcing O.J. to load up the "Glass-Shard-and-Lava Shooter Superdeluxe 2.0 Version" aimed at Mohammed Atta's rectum.
3. Personal Chef to Osama Bin Laden, specializing in the Rancid Pork Omelet for breakfast, the Hot Canine-Dingleberry Stew for lunch, and the Maxipad Pot Pie for dinner. Every day.


Describe your most gluttonous moment:

2 years ago I bought 6 Cadbury Creme Eggs, with those fake syrupy yokes inside, and I ate all 6 in about an hour. I was gagging from the twisted traffic jam of sugar coating my tastebuds and it was magnificent. I want to go back there.


What is your strangest possession?

A box of unopened tampons, still shrinkwrapped, from 1979. (To be explained later in the week.)


Your surgeon is going to leave something inside you. It will be either a sponge, a scalpel, a pair of tweezers or his Harvard class ring. Which do you prefer, and why?

First I need to know: will I be passing it? If so, I choose the class ring. I would at least have something shiny in my poop.


Which flavor of ice cream have Ben and Jerry overlooked?

"Guiltberry." It would be very gritty, dull gray in color, with a nasty aftertaste. Will it sell? Of course. People eat guilt every day.


A typhoon is coming. You are allowed to go back to your house and get one thing. What will it be?

The house.


Name a word that would be a beautiful name for a baby girl, if only the word didn't mean what it really means:

Diarrhea


You have just been made captain of a cheerleading squad of 20 girls. What will you teach them first?

A little move I like to call the "Blindfolded Freeway Tumble."


Think of a moment when you were rejected by someone you had a crush on. If you could go back to that moment right now, what would you say to that person?

Guess what? In 15 years you're in prison.


Describe something you said that you wished immediately that you hadn't:

1987, at my first appointment with a very good looking gynecologist in Indianapolis. Dr. Garrett. I was freaking out when he started his examination. "So," I said, "how does your wife keep it interesting for you? Shave it to look like Abe Lincoln?"