Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Candy's Extra-Special Monday Meme


In honor of Futuresis's birthday today, I have made a special meme. I answered the questions and now am tagging her. And anyone else who drops by. Answer any question that appeals to you. Happy Meme Birthday, Futuresis!


Pick your most despicable ex. Name 2 things you would like to throw at him/her:

1. A sledgehammer, on fire.
2. His mother. Naked. And on fire.


Name 3 jobs you would like to apply for in the afterlife:

1. Loading up the "Glass-Shard-and-Lava Shooter" pointed at O.J.'s rectum.
2. Forcing O.J. to load up the "Glass-Shard-and-Lava Shooter Superdeluxe 2.0 Version" aimed at Mohammed Atta's rectum.
3. Personal Chef to Osama Bin Laden, specializing in the Rancid Pork Omelet for breakfast, the Hot Canine-Dingleberry Stew for lunch, and the Maxipad Pot Pie for dinner. Every day.


Describe your most gluttonous moment:

2 years ago I bought 6 Cadbury Creme Eggs, with those fake syrupy yokes inside, and I ate all 6 in about an hour. I was gagging from the twisted traffic jam of sugar coating my tastebuds and it was magnificent. I want to go back there.


What is your strangest possession?

A box of unopened tampons, still shrinkwrapped, from 1979. (To be explained later in the week.)


Your surgeon is going to leave something inside you. It will be either a sponge, a scalpel, a pair of tweezers or his Harvard class ring. Which do you prefer, and why?

First I need to know: will I be passing it? If so, I choose the class ring. I would at least have something shiny in my poop.


Which flavor of ice cream have Ben and Jerry overlooked?

"Guiltberry." It would be very gritty, dull gray in color, with a nasty aftertaste. Will it sell? Of course. People eat guilt every day.


A typhoon is coming. You are allowed to go back to your house and get one thing. What will it be?

The house.


Name a word that would be a beautiful name for a baby girl, if only the word didn't mean what it really means:

Diarrhea


You have just been made captain of a cheerleading squad of 20 girls. What will you teach them first?

A little move I like to call the "Blindfolded Freeway Tumble."


Think of a moment when you were rejected by someone you had a crush on. If you could go back to that moment right now, what would you say to that person?

Guess what? In 15 years you're in prison.


Describe something you said that you wished immediately that you hadn't:

1987, at my first appointment with a very good looking gynecologist in Indianapolis. Dr. Garrett. I was freaking out when he started his examination. "So," I said, "how does your wife keep it interesting for you? Shave it to look like Abe Lincoln?"

31 Comments:

  • At 7:27 AM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Thank you, Candy!!!

    Ummm....is it weird that I attempted to eat my monitor? I love raspberries almost as much as chocolate.

    I am still recovering from reading your answers to that meme. I was crying and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. What a great gift for my birthday! :-)

    I'm going to get to work on my answers now.

    Thanks for remembering my b-day!

    Love,
    Futuresis

     
  • At 8:47 AM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Pick your most despicable ex. Name 2 things you would like to throw at him/her:

    1. A waterballoon filled with plain water, but I would tell him that the water contained some rare bacteria or amoeba, and then he could go through the rest of his life feeling “symptoms” and going to the doctor to demand tests.

    2. A rabid monkey.


    Name 3 jobs you would like to apply for in the afterlife:

    1. I would apply to be the HR representative of the afterlife. I would interview and place everyone else in their jobs.

    2. Librarian. I’ve always wanted to be a librarian, and I don’t think I’m going to get the chance here. There will definitely be libraries in heaven.

    3. QA in Heaven’s chocolate factory.


    Describe your most gluttonous moment:

    There are so many. But one that stands out in my mind is the time in high school that I decided to make a double-batch of my grandma’s recipe for chocolate buttercream frosting, and my friend and I ate it all. It was not a good thing for my digestive system, to say the least.


    What is your strangest possession?

    A small box of showercaps (two, recently given to my by my childhood best friend’s parents, from hotels in China) that I will never use. It is a special collection.


    Your surgeon is going to leave something inside you. It will be either a sponge, a scalpel, a pair of tweezers or his Harvard class ring. Which do you prefer, and why?

    I think I would prefer the tweezers. The scalpel would wreak havoc on my insides, sponges are known to harbor bacteria, and the ring wouldn’t really be very useful to me. I am sure that quality surgical tweezers don’t come cheap, and a good pair of tweezers is always handy for taking out splinters or shaping one’s eyebrows. Of course, I am assuming that I would be passing them at some point, but I won’t think about retrieval.


    Which flavor of ice cream have Ben and Jerry overlooked?

    Skinny Minnie. It would be a decadent rich chocolate with raspberry swirls and chunks of chocolate fudge brownies. It would be totally calorie-free, yet all-natural. In fact, it would actually burn fat as you ate it. It would also magically make PMS disappear.


    A typhoon is coming. You are allowed to go back to your house and get one thing. What will it be?

    My box of showercaps.


    Name a word that would be a beautiful name for a baby girl, if only the word didn't mean what it really means:

    Legionella


    You have just been made captain of a cheerleading squad of 20 girls. What will you teach them first?

    American History. It would be hard to be the best cheerleading squad. But it wouldn’t be hard to be the smartest.


    Think of a moment when you were rejected by someone you had a crush on. If you could go back to that moment right now, what would you say to that person?

    Thank you. Sorry your life is really going to suck.


    Describe something you said that you wished immediately that you hadn't:

    At a social gathering, the first time I met my husband’s friends from his hometown, I was telling a story about this weird guy that worked at a gas station in my hometown, who kept a chart of every time I came to get gas and showed his chart to me, which freaked me out. I mentioned that he was creepy and only had about 4 teeth in his whole head. As soon as I said it, I remembered that one of my husband’s friends had just recently had all of his teeth pulled because they were so horrible and had new dentures. There was a very awkward silence as everyone just stared and I immediately realized what I had said and apologized. I wanted to die. What an insensitive remark.

     
  • At 8:53 AM, Blogger SarahW said…

    HA! That brought some cheer, Candy.

     
  • At 9:25 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, I need some of that anti-PMS ice cream today. NOW, dammit!

    I'm so glad to hear you've erred socially with the teeth remark. There are so many of those in my past I've lost track.

    Have a great birthday.

    American History. To cheerleaders. Yeah. Dream on, fool.

     
  • At 9:37 AM, Blogger EB said…

    This is the most fantastic meme.

    And I'm going to put up my answers as soon as I'm through this stack of papers.

    Actually, maybe I'll use my meme answers as feedback on their papers.

    "Dear Student X,

    Syphilis would be a beautiful name for a girl if it weren't a nasty STD.

    A 95/100"

     
  • At 9:49 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Thanks, Sarah...it brought me cheer, too, writing it instead of grading like I was SUPPOSED to be doing.


    EB, do not forget her sister Chlamydia!

     
  • At 10:08 AM, Blogger Domhan said…

    Name a word that would be a beautiful name for a baby girl, if only the word didn't mean what it really means:

    Gandydancer

    If y'all are lucky, I'll be too busy today to respond to any more memes.

     
  • At 10:36 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    GANDYDANCER???

    I had to look that up. A railroad worker. You and yer fancy PBS werds.

     
  • At 11:23 AM, Blogger LD said…

    hilarious. J is looking at me funny right now wondering why I'm laughing at my computer

     
  • At 1:51 PM, Blogger Mad Grad Mom said…

    Candy, you got chlamydia before I did . . . wow, haven't I said that before???

    In regards to your gynecological faux pas, I am so embarrassed for you! How on earth did the good ol' doc reply to that?

     
  • At 2:06 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    The doc was momentarily flummoxed. Then said "Wow. No one's ever asked me that before." Then he went on about his, er, business.


    And I believe YOU were the first one to get chlamydia. No. Wait. Crabs.

     
  • At 2:21 PM, Anonymous Jackie O. said…

    Think of a moment when you were rejected by someone you had a crush on. If you could go back to that moment right now, what would you say to that person?

    "You think you're so special, mister? Well, I have news for you, my friend: you're merely one of 78 men who have rejected me, and I'll barely even remember your name next week--at which point I'll be getting rejected by someone else."

    Then I ask him how he liked THEM apples. And then I would put my shirt back down.

     
  • At 2:50 PM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    I didn't say the cheerleaders would have to be experts. If they memorized one fact, my squad would be smarter than the other squads.

     
  • At 4:17 PM, Anonymous SeanH said…

    I once ate a Stouffer's family-size lasagna alone in a single sitting. I was 18 and really high though.

     
  • At 5:25 PM, Blogger Steve B said…

    "A rabid monkey." I love it!

    I'll answer on my blog, should, you know, I ever actually blog anything.

     
  • At 5:58 PM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    Abe Lincoln started off clean shaven and then just let himself go. just sayin'.

     
  • At 6:06 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I love you, Jackie O. Because you are just the right kinda sick.

     
  • At 6:07 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, stop obsessing over teaching those ho cheerleaders. Be glad that when you pat their stomachs, their hind legs move.

     
  • At 6:08 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Damn, Sean. That is RIGHTEOUS, man.

     
  • At 6:09 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Steve B, GIT back there and blog. MORE!!! Or I might hafta keel you.

     
  • At 6:10 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dear Diary, I am so forlorn. It has been almost 6 months since I had the chance to beat Prairie Biker. Upside the head.

     
  • At 9:36 PM, Anonymous Ana said…

    Two things I would like to throw at him:

    I can't write that.
    I can't write that either.

     
  • At 9:44 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dang it. I bet those were 2 good things.

     
  • At 9:53 PM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Hey! Can I change one of my answers? For the jobs I would apply for in the afterlife question, I was so stumped. I knew I could not come up with anything as remotely cool as Candy came up with, plus, I didn't want to compete with her for those jobs, since she got first dibs. But I thought of a job that I would really, really like. I would like to be Hell's DJ. I would love to be in charge of compiling the list of music that the folks in Hell would have to spend eternity listening to.

     
  • At 11:00 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    L M A O !!! You guys are TOO funny. I can't possibly come up with anything to match all that. Thanks for the abdominals... and HAPPY BELATED, Futuresis!!! = ]

     
  • At 7:53 AM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Thanks, Citlali! :-)

     
  • At 12:30 PM, Blogger Mel said…

    "blindfolded freeway tumble"

    Heh! Love it!

     
  • At 7:26 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    Scent of Bonobos in estrus.
    Bonobos on viagra.

     
  • At 7:29 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    A dang monkey in heat????

     
  • At 6:10 AM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    Not any monkey. A bonobo. Known sex-a-holic. Also strong. Very strong.

     
  • At 3:10 PM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Are bonobos also those monkeys that like to throw their poo around?

     

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