Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Monday, November 05, 2007

The Next in Line to Be Purged



Don't let his cutesy face fool you. He is guilty.

Soon after this mug shot was taken, he was identified in a line-up as the current most useless object in Candy-World.

It might be different if I knew where he came from or what sentimental value he might hold. But I don't. He was just there, a pebble man at the bottom of a packing box, in his badly painted polka-dot Fort Myers vacation shirt, and his globs of dried rubber cement that attest to an exploded and released internal organ. He was hoping not to be detected and sent the way of the torturous Minnie Mouse shoes. But that is where he must now go.

A moment of silence, please.

26 Comments:

  • At 7:25 AM, Blogger Carin said…

    Perhaps you should sandblast the paint off, pry apart the pebbles, and return them to their natural state?

    Honestly, what was done do those little rocks ... it's just too horrible.

     
  • At 7:45 AM, Blogger Dana said…

    With the hump on his back it looks as if he is wearing a hoodie. I am curious though, what happened to his other arm?

    Glad to have this guy off the streets. Good work Candy!

     
  • At 8:02 AM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    And this is what makes me semi-thankful that we don't live there. As I would have made off with the Minnie Mouse shoes, I KNOW that my kids would be fighting for pebble man. And they would come up with a name for him, which would make it hard for me to not let him come home with us.

    It is rather unfortunate. He just looks so happy and unsuspecting. He has no idea what is about to become of him.

    Now I am feeling sorry for him. I must navigate away from this blog before I start pleading for you to spare him.

     
  • At 8:06 AM, Blogger Hoosier Mama said…

    Hey! I need some googly eyes! Are you willing to part out your pebble man?

     
  • At 9:37 AM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    I would say something witty but I'm still banned.

    FREE ME FROM MY OPPRESSED SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!

    *ahem*

     
  • At 10:30 AM, Blogger Citlali said…

    LMAO. wow. Poor Scott... But I'm NOT getting in the middle of THAT. Sorry, Scott. = ]

    That little rock guy is really, really creepy. (*shudder*) Those are probably the kinds of things that keep me from tackling my own purge. Pack-ratting has been a full time occupation in my life. Some of the boxes I've moved may have been unopened as far back as fourteen moves ago. It hurts to say. Oh, if I only had your courage, Candy. You're an inspiration... = ]

     
  • At 10:46 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Indeed, Carin. True hideousness.
    And at some point, I felt I needed to bring it home.

    Dana, he killed a man in Reno just to watch him die. And got his arm yanked off in the process.

     
  • At 10:49 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, I start pleading with MYSELF to spare this crap AS I take a picture of it.

    Come on out for a vacation. I'll load you up with hideous things!

     
  • At 10:49 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Hoosier Mama, I cannot parcel the little guy out. It would be a shameful end to a shameful life. He longed to be a beautiful pinata but instead was ugly as a pile of snot.

     
  • At 10:50 AM, Blogger Domhan said…

    I canNOT believe you would get rid of Ferdinand. You mean to tell me that you don't re-MEMBER the day we, with our own hands, created him out of the earth? The care we took with each spot on his torso, each tooth in his grimacing face? We used your glue gun, remember? Hankie kept sniffing it, then passing out in front of the fireplace. Ferd is supposed to be the representation of man's inhumanity of man against man in the kosmic reality of everything numbered 42 and above. He embodies all that is right and wrong with the human race, as well as the primates. He is the cleanser of all our transgressions. I can't believe you've forgotten all that.

     
  • At 10:50 AM, Blogger Domhan said…

    And you do realize this is entirely bullsh*t, right?

     
  • At 10:50 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Hmmm. "ScottP", whoever you are, you may comment again. But no sass. Not any.

     
  • At 10:51 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Citlali, I am THE lamest on the planet for getting rid of stuff. I am an inspiration only for those who wish not to end up like me.

    Wouldn't it be cool if we could just TRADE our packrat stuff?

     
  • At 10:55 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Domhan, I am going to beat you. Seriously, I'm getting on a plane today just to come there and beat you.

    And I noticed a slight trace of "Hitch-hiker's Guide..." in that.

    Hankie has gone into rehab numerous times for the glue-gun problem. He keeps claiming he "just wants to make some popsicle stick art" and then THUD, there he is writhing near the fireplace and he's all like "Can you turn up that music?" and I'm all like "HANKIE, there is no music playing" and then HE's all like "Yes. It's Boxcar Willie" and then I sniff from the glue-gun myself and find that Hankie is terribly misguided. The music is Slim Whitman.

     
  • At 11:49 AM, Blogger Domhan said…

    Ohmygawd. I'm all like, Slim Whitman!

    Must go yodel to my students in conferences now.

     
  • At 12:04 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Students. Conferences. Ewwwwww.

    Yodel. I dare you.

     
  • At 12:17 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    Yes. It would be amazing to actually weigh all the crap we haul around with us and never even look at, no? "This many pounds of SH*T that we have..." Reminds me of a few really gross stories I've heard. NONE of them as bad as us. Not yet... lol. = ]

     
  • At 12:20 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Not as bad as us??? Then we must increase our intake! I'll go scour the street for junk, you check the attics of total strangers. Then we'll meet back here.

     
  • At 2:08 PM, Blogger Norma said…

    Is that...... Bill?

     
  • At 4:01 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I did notice a definite "Mr. Bill" air about this guy. He's like the unsuccessful second cousin of Mr. Bill who lives in a trailer out back.

     
  • At 4:28 PM, Blogger Mad Grad Mom said…

    Candy, I am speechless.

     
  • At 4:36 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Mad Grad, So was the poor little pebble guy when I took his picture. He knew the sh*t was about to hit the fan.

     
  • At 6:37 PM, Blogger Mad Grad Mom said…

    You aren't going to leave him on your car hoping someone will take him, are you? I mean, it might encourage senseless violence. After all, if I had to look at that thing in real life, I might feel compelled to throw him at someone or something. He seems to inspire violence. It must be those crazy googly eyes.

     
  • At 6:45 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    He DOES inspire violence. How do you think he lost his arm?

    I will not leave him on my car because people might think it's some sort of shrine.

    I think he looks a little like the Glenn Campbell mug shot myself.

     
  • At 12:49 PM, Anonymous oneavid said…

    I've seen those things before!
    They are called Kadiddlewomps.
    They sell on e-bay for about
    2500 hundred bucks.

     
  • At 1:26 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    You're lying, oneavid! LYING LYING LYING!

    Not listening!

    LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

     

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