Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Purging, It Has Begun


I've been in Phoenix for 4 months now. Enough horseplay. Stuff has got to go, and lots of it.

Scott will be so happy to read this that he will yelp like a Labrador puppy with a new rubber squeak-toy. Because Candy came to town and turned his nice house into a warehouse. He would like to be able to see the fireplace again.

These shoes? I've had them a few years. Always liked them. Black platforms. They go with everything. After forgetting that they existed for awhile, I got them out and wore them yesterday.

During the day I realized 2 things:

1. These shoes are no longer comfortable. In fact, after several hours of wearing them, there was no need to guess what it felt like to have my feet bound. I was limping around like a a backed-over possum. These shoes, they is the enemy.

2. They make my feet look like the feet of Minnie Mouse.

When I got home from work, I didn't even go in the house to take them off. I unbuckled the straps and sat both shoes proudly on the roof of my car.

Scott came home. "Why do you have a pair of shoes on top of your car?"

"Because I'm going to throw them away. And you are my witness."

They sat atop the car overnight. I wanted to display to the world that I had shunned them. They were dead to me. They were still there on the car this morning, but they were still dead to me. Go away. You can't live here anymore.

I didn't bother donating them. Because why would I? Why would I pass on a pair of shoes that would turn someone into a limping Disney character? That would be mean.

I considered leaving them on the car and pulling out of the driveway, and letting them land where they would. Letting them find their destiny. But probably they'd have thudded onto my windshield, startling me into a nice big wreck or a bladder explosion. I threw them next to the dumpster on the carport.

Trash day cometh.

53 Comments:

  • At 7:22 AM, Anonymous SistyUgler said…

    I can't believe those shoes didn't disappear from the roof of your car over night. I figured someone stole them and then THEY would throw them away and then someone else would steal them and THEY would throw them away. Hey - Candy could write a story about the journey of her shoes and all the people they have caused misery. How about that for a story line?!?!? Just make sure I get part of the royalties!!!!

     
  • At 7:26 AM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    tell me again why we packed and loaded all this stuff you were just going to throw away anyway?

     
  • At 7:41 AM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    PB, try to think of it as not moving stuff, but as moving 36,906 blog posts.

     
  • At 7:49 AM, Blogger Gail said…

    Congratulations! I need to clean out my closet too.

     
  • At 7:51 AM, Blogger Jerry said…

    I'll bet if you put these shoes on, close your eyes, and click your heels together 3 times and repeat, "There's no place like home; There's no place like home," over and over again, you'll magically find your self in Newark...maybe Detroit.

    These shoes were made by spawns of Satan. Cast them from you...better still...have an exorcism. But, be careful; sometimes exercised spirits go to the nearest outpost of hell, and you may have friends in Cleveland.

     
  • At 8:09 AM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Actually, I really like those shoes! I was thinking that it is probably a good thing that we no longer live in Phoenix, or I'd probably be carting your cast-offs over to my house! And I have been in the purging process for the last 10 years or so....

    Of course, when we moved, we handed some things off to you and Scott. I remember how happy he was with those shelves. Poor Scott. He is a very patient man.

     
  • At 8:12 AM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    PS--I like Sistyugler's idea of the shoe story! I wish that I could be one of the miserable recipients. Those really are cute shoes.

     
  • At 8:33 AM, Blogger iamnot said…

    I've been here for 13 years now. A few months ago, I found a box of sweaters that I brought to Phoenix from Virginia.
    Trust me, I haven't needed them.
    We've got three seasons...Summer, Post-Summer and Pre-Summer.

     
  • At 9:19 AM, Blogger Norma said…

    i really like those shoes too! they look like the mail order bride shoes i used to own.

    ps miss you too candy! mr bill says hi. we are, of course, causing all sorts of mischief. it's not as funny without you though

     
  • At 9:57 AM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    We have a fireplace?

     
  • At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Tony said…

    As far as I can remember, Minnie wore a variety of shoe colors, athough she remained true to the basic oversize style you reference. But what really sold her as an American icon was the total ensemble: red mini (!) skirt with white polka dots and matching bow in ... hair? Fur?

    I thought and continue to think that she was far more attractive than Daisy Duck or Petunia Pig. But I would like to know what your readers think. I suppose that, finally, it's a problem for the Popular Culture people and/or the American Studies group at Duke.

     
  • At 11:38 AM, Blogger Domhan said…

    god, i love your reference to "Pogo."

    The red shoe lives! And now I know how it was lost...

     
  • At 11:46 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    SistyUgler, the shoes caused such pain that they radiate evil. I'm sure someone STARTED to steal them, then had their fingers zap-fried just like the witch when she tried to take the red shoes off of Dorothy.

     
  • At 11:47 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    PB, we did it because I got mental problemz.

    Also because I just like to watch you do manly things that are NOT to do with killing poor little bambi deer.

     
  • At 11:48 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    And yes, there are blog posts to be done for each purged item.

     
  • At 11:49 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Gail, and congratulations to YOU that is in only a closet you need to clean!

    Like, oh my GAWD, Jerry! I think the brand name on these shoes in NOOH! (Nearest Outpost Of Hell.)

    I love the idea of ending up in Newark.

     
  • At 11:50 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, I still have the glass shelves you gave me, but have used all the Calgon. OK, Scott did, but he wants to hide that about himself.

     
  • At 11:52 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Iamnot, I'm starting to catch on about the seasons. And am wondering when I will have the heart to get rid of my entire bursting closet filled with sweaters and coats. I have plenty that I exported to Indiana for when I visit there in cold months. Which means that the only purpose the ones here in Phoenix serve, is making me feel like I'm smothering any time I look in that closet.

     
  • At 11:53 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Mail order bride shoes! Norma, you vixen, you.

     
  • At 11:54 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Scott. No. We USED to have a fireplace. And then robbers took it.

     
  • At 11:55 AM, Blogger Dana said…

    You are too funny...and so are the people who've commented before me!

     
  • At 11:56 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Yes, Tony. That is a perfect question for someone's PhD dissertation. I'm sure they would study every detail. The angle of the feet in the high heels, etc.

    Duke or Berkeley.

     
  • At 11:58 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    You people who visit here should know that Domhan found a red high heeled shoe in the street once. She TOOK IT TO EUROPE and photographed it in the hands of confused Europeans and on top of dignified bronze statues. It was the best thing ever. PLEASE tell me you do still have that shoe.

     
  • At 11:59 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dana, it is only the magic of the shoe. It reaches peoples' soles.

     
  • At 11:59 AM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    I suspected as much. Scott always did have a "powder fresh" scent about him that made me suspect he liked to have long soaks in the tub. The aromatherapy candles, loofah, and seashell-shaped inflatable pillow in his bathroom also clued me in to his secret pastime. I should have warned you about hiding the Calgon.

     
  • At 12:00 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Maybe I should add that Domhan had planned to go to Europe BEFORE she found the shoe. She didn't find the shoe and then run to book tickets to Europe for herself and the shoe.

     
  • At 12:01 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Yeah, thanks a lot for the heads-up, Futuresis. And I guess it just slipped your mind that one day I would be digging for popsicles in the freezer and would find body parts.

     
  • At 12:11 PM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Jerry,

    When I was a little girl, I always like Daisy Duck better. She doesn't put up with Donald's crap. Plus, I thought she was prettier because I think it was on my "Mickey Mouse Disco" album, she was featured with a ponytail. I thought that was cute.

    I miss my "Mickey Mouse Disco" album. I wonder what happened to it?

     
  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, I think you meant Tony. Please. Back away. From the crack-pipe.

     
  • At 12:16 PM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Sorry--I meant "liked." The phone rang and I was trying to write really fast before I had to pick up.

     
  • At 12:17 PM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Oh yeah....you're right. It was Tony. I'm an idiot that cannot multi-task.

     
  • At 12:21 PM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Oh yeah. The frozen body parts also slipped my mind. Sorry. I hope you weren't TOO surprised. Scott's 'freezer of death' is just one of those things that we try not to think about. Don't judge him too harshly. You never know. One day, you might sever an arm, and it could be mutilated beyond any hope of reattachment. You'll be pretty thankful for that freezer when Scott pulls out a match for you!

     
  • At 12:41 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Gulp.

     
  • At 1:55 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    This thread needs a psychiatrist or at least some input from a taxidermist.

     
  • At 2:02 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, I think I mighta accidentally married a taxidermist.
    What's the human version of that called?

     
  • At 2:16 PM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I visited a psychiatrist just this morning. he leaned back on his little couch and let his pants leg ride up so I could see his hairy pale shin. and at that moment it was all I could take, well, that and his blood red tie that just screamed "Toro! Toro! Ole! Ole!"

    I just wanted to scream, "Gimme my fucking refill now if you want me to bring you any more of Candy's old shoes, you hag!"

     
  • At 2:51 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    Cheess and Rice, people! I step away from my computer for one hour to teach, and the conversation goes so psychophrenic even I can't keep up!

    Yes. I still have the red shoe. In more recent years it has had its picture taken with "Cornelius, the person dressed up as a giant corn cob" at Corn Palace, with "Abraham Lincoln, the guy dressed up like Abraham Lincoln" at Mount Rushmore, with a deleriously smiling park ranger from this wild-ass national park in Utah, with the nice ER nurse in Utah, and with a guy called "Piercings A-Plenty" who works at the Archie McPhee store in Seattle whose face looks like the inside of a well-stocked tacklebox.

    Red Shoe has traveled in backpacks, motorcycle saddlebags, and in a van. It (she--she IS open-toed, you know) is beat to hell. But I love her.

    And by the way, I once found a dried up kosher dill on the sidewalk, so of course I immediately booked passage on an ocean liner to Australia. It was that kind of day.

    Yep, you guessed it. Drunk as hell.

     
  • At 3:54 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Oh fine. Fine fine fine. That is juuuuuuust great, Prairie Biker. Now I know why MY appointment had to suddenly be cancelled this morning. Something on my answering machine about "emergency with deer-killing maniac..." blah blah "need to postone you, Candy...." blah blah "my hairy leg needs a dose of adoration..." blah. Blah.

     
  • At 3:55 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Domhan, that is one of the funniest lists I've ever seen. You are an absolute idiot. Which I love.

    I put that old dried up kosher there so you'd find it. Besides, it was just there on my paper plate at lunch and it squinted up through its vinegary non-eyes and said wistfully "I long to travel the world."

     
  • At 6:29 PM, Blogger Steve B said…

    I've determine that I must begin blogging about shoes. I try and write some cogent, insightful, well-researched yet scathing verbal evisceration of some glaringly stupidendous social injustice, and I get, uh ZERO comments.

    You blog about Minnie Mouse shoes on your hood, and are awash in commentage.

    I do, actually, hate you just a little. Sometimes.

    Ack! I just realized that by commenting, I made it WORSE! AHHHGGGHH!

     
  • At 6:53 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Steve, pity me. My social awareness is awash among involuntary visions of cartoonish happenings all around me.

    And if YOU looked down and saw that your feet looked like Minnie Mouse's, surely you would see the social injustice there.

     
  • At 7:36 PM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Steve B,

    There are so many social injustices in this world. I spend a lot of time pondering them, worrying about them, and driving myself crazy wondering how these things can be happening and what I can do to fix them.

    Then I feel hopelessly anxious and depressed.

    So I come here and read Candy's posts and the comments from everyone else (yours included), and it is good for my soul.

    I think that's why we comment here. It's a mini vacation from the real world. It's a place where shoes can be possessed and yams can fly. A dead lizard can be a runner-up in a beauty pageant and floor lint can take on its own personality. And sometimes, we can read about wonderful, decent folks like Candy's parents and thank God for people like them.

    So, don't feel bad. It's nothing against you, personally. And I am sure what you wrote really is insightful, intelligent, and right on the money. But honestly, this week has been so crappy and filled with worry that if I read about a social injustice, I'll probably have a massive anxiety attack and might not be able to leave my house for a month.

    But I will check out your blog soon, for what that's worth! Not sure I'll be able to contribute anything intelligent, as you have probably seen what I'm capable of writing! I think if I click on your name, that will bring me to it, right?

     
  • At 7:40 PM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Candy,
    Do you remember that part of the Twilight Zone movie when that woman, I think she was a teacher, stops off at this diner or someplace and then takes that kid that was playing the video game home and the house is this bizarre kind of half-cartoon world? That is sometimes how I think you see the world around you, with faces on the floor and Alfred Hitchcock in the coffee spill. I mean that as a compliment. I think it's cool! :-)

     
  • At 7:44 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    NO! I don't remember that. Wait, I don't think I saw the Twilight Zone movie. I was thinking of Creepshow. I need to see it.

    I loves me the creepy stuff.

    Thanks for the compliment. If I could think in any other way, I would. I've tried.

     
  • At 10:48 PM, Anonymous Ana said…

    This is the Way of the Universe, Grasshopper: it is impossible to throw something away unless it has been wrapped in tissue, put in a cardboard box, and taken half way across the country. Things can not be thrown away unless they have moved a significant distance from their point of origin. The time there's an exception is when you've packed up your house to do a major remodel and now you're opening the boxes and saying, "are you frigging kidding me? I packed a Mother's Day mug from the Mexican joint we go to after church?? Is that what I see here amongst the Tiffany crystal and the china?" This must be followed by a self-inflicted sharp stick in the eye, but still, you can throw stuff away then. Those are your only chances in life to chuck stuff.

     
  • At 11:01 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Thank God I've moved all this stuff 2000 miles then! Now I have the freedom to let it go!

    It really does have a different feel when you open a box and think "Oh, THAT's useful. Good thing I brought that ignorant thing."

    Although it is the ignorant things I love best. The useless toys and doilies and bright bits of paper. I am a bird, always trying to nest, never quite making it.

     
  • At 7:37 AM, Anonymous Belle said…

    Wow. I miss one day of Candy and 46 comments! All I can say is Wow (if anyone out there knows kids' books, that quote if from Lilly and Her Purple Plastic Purse-one of my favorites!).

    All I can think to say is that my kids would have loved to have those shoes for 70's Day at school. Can you believe kids are dressing up in 70's clothes? How can those clothes be considered old? How can that era be history already??????

     
  • At 7:45 AM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Candy,

    The child who tries to do headstands in the muddy ditch while wearing a dress is becoming YOU! I cleaned out her nightstand drawers recently and found the mates to several socks, old toothbrushes that had been salvaged from the trash, scraps of paper, dress-up jewelry, crayons, tags and labels from various items--usually with some sort of cartoon character on them, and toilet paper. Now, the toilet paper is going to take some explaining. And I must point out that at least it was not used. I don't know if you have seen the Cottonelle Kids toilet paper that has pictures of puppies and pawprints on it. It is supposed to guide children to wear to tear the toilet paper. Well, there were a few lengths of this toilet paper with the puppies.

    Anyway, this assortment of items in her nightstand had me confused. But now I get it. She's YOU!

     
  • At 7:51 AM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    Well Belle,

    I am just as confused as you are about that. I decided to go online to try and find a Mickey Mouse Disco album yesterday after reading Tony's comments, and I discovered that my favorite album from childhood is now a valuable COLLECTIBLE! It wasn't THAT long ago, was it? I cannot afford to shell out over $100 for one of those, and I don't have access to a record player. I also realized that my children don't know what record players are. (Luckily, I can download the album from iTunes....but I don't have an iPod.)

    And I don't know how old your girls are, but we got an American Girl Doll catalog recently and the new doll in the historical collection is a 70's girl doll.

    Historical collection.

     
  • At 7:53 AM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    PS--Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse is a classic! :-)

     
  • At 9:44 AM, Anonymous Belle said…

    Yes, I have a ten year old who loves American Girl dolls and I saw Julie, the girl of the 70's. I had some outfits like hers. My favorite was an orange vinyl vest that had long fringes. Wish I still had it.

    Glad that you knew about Lilly!

     
  • At 10:19 AM, Anonymous futuresis said…

    You know, I'm thinking that the whole idea of everything eventually comes back in style could be an argument to never throw things out. I'm wishing I still had my Mickey Mouse Disco album, Belle's longing for the orange fringed vinyl vest. I don't know. I hate to play devil's advocate, Candy, and I know Scott will hunt me down and kill me for saying this, but you might want to rethink this purging thing. I know I am.

     
  • At 12:57 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, Um, that stuff MAY not be your daughter's. I did store some things in her nightstand last time I was at your house. I simply ran out of room here.

     

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