Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Welcome to Monday!

Mondays blow. But sometimes a photo of catfish/polenta/asparagus/olive art can help.

Or how about a game of Love/Hate?

On the first day of the semester, I have my students introduce themselves and then name one thing they love and one thing they hate. And they must be specific. None of this "I love food" bullshit. I want to know a particular food. Like, say, pizza with anything on it but anchovies or sausage. It's not a tough request, to be slightly detailed. To think about your own tastes for ten seconds.

One lazy slug of a guy couldn't muster the energy to come up with a more scintillating answer than "I love all food. I will eat anything." So I asked him "How about if I were to go into the kitchen to cook your dinner, and come back with a nice hot bowl of Cat Piss Soup?" "Nah, I prob'ly wouldn't like that."

And there is occasionally the sappy girl who says "Oh, I don't hate anything. Anything at all." (I immediately hate her.) This answer only comes from freshmen. No one who has been in college for one semester has an empty list of hates. Not even the headband girls with the pink sparkly notebooks.

What do you Love/Hate?

I love to watch the part of "The Wizard of Oz" when the dead witch's legs curl up under the house. I love a new fine-point purple felt-tip pen. I love it when a person's umbrella turns inside out from the wind. (My friend Domhan taught me to love that.)

On the other hand, I hate people who say "I seen him the other day." I hate the Wheat Chex part of Chex Mix.

And I hate when the umbrella is mine.


  • At 10:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I love talking to my mom (which I do daily) and hearing all her news (i.e. what happened on "Dancing with the Stars," how much money her coupons saved her at the grocery store, what she's planning to have for dinner).

    I hate the taste of beer. Am I the only one who thinks it tastes like carbonated bile? The first time I tried it, I was sure I had just thrown up in my mouth.

  • At 7:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Happy Monday to all of you to!

    I love watching my kids sleep. Robin Williams did this in "World According to Garp" movie and I thought it was weird until I had kids of my own.

    I hate my feet. They are dry, full of corns and other unmentionable foot problems. They make me feel old.

    I hate it when someone says ax instead of ask.

    (Jackie-I also love talking to my mom and I hate the taste of beer!)momo

  • At 7:58 AM, Blogger Jerry said…

    I love moments in the movies when I tear-up because something is so poignant and moving that the feeling of life--of being human--is clear and unmistakable. Or, the happy-sappy moments when only the hopelessly romantic smile--inside and out.

    I hate biting on grit in a salad or in vegetables. I always find the dirt; everyone else says, "mine is fine; no grit in my food," which makes me hate them very much.

    I like any moment when I am aware that I am doing or experiencing something I like. There are so many moments of frustration--so many instances when you become aware that another dream is unattainable.

    I hate it that the asparagus in the representation of food art in this blog resembles my hair in the morning.

  • At 8:03 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jackie and Belle, I'm with you on the beer. It's vile. No matter what kind it is. Cheap crap or pricey micro-brew. It is not for me.

    Ax anybody.

  • At 8:04 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, There's another thing we have in common. Any time there's anything wrong with food, when I'm eating the same thing as someone else, it is always MY food that has some weird thing in it. Usually something horrific. It happened just last week but I can't even talk about it. I'm still recovering.

  • At 8:05 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jackie, if you were any kind of a person, you'd be watching "Dancing with the Stars" your ownself.

  • At 8:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I love lazy Saturday mornings when the kids crawl into bed with me. Sometimes they'll fall back to sleep, and other times, they decide to just share some of the details of their lives that they forget about in the rush of the school week.

    I love snowstorms. And say what you will, but I love the beginning of NASCAR races when the announcer says, "Gentlemen, start your engines!"

    I hate the smell of canned tuna. I hate all of those new Wendy's commercials with the wigs. And I hate it when Fox puts on "American Idol" instead of "House."

  • At 9:01 AM, Blogger Domhan said…

    I love a pot of ham & beans (with lots of onions tossed in) cooked on an open fire in the autumn. It's the open fire I love the most, I think--gathering the wood, working the fire, the warmth, the glow, the smell of the burning wood, my unavoidable attraction to the hearth of it. And after all that, I get the bowl of steaming yumminess to wrap my chilled hands around.

    I'll ALWAYS love it when someone's umbrella turns inside out. I wish I had a camera the day I saw an inside-out umbrella crammed in a garbage can. The pissed-offedness was evident in the thrust.

    I hate the neighbor's barking dog more than I can say. The idiotic thing barks at blades of grass for hours. And god forbid the meter reader comes by. The dog barks with hysterics for the rest of the day.

    I guess it should be the OWNER of said barking dog I hate. The dog can't help being cooped up in the back yard and bored. Yes, I've called the cops. Repeatedly. They asked me to stop bothering them. I hate that, too.

  • At 9:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I thought of another one.

    I love eating in bed!!! My husband doesn't believe in it so I have to sneak. I love eating a big bowl of ice cream for breakfast, watching weird Saturday morning movies on cable, and reading a book-all in my bed! My husband also doesn't believe in reading in bed.

    Jerry-I always have an eggshell in my scrambled eggs.

  • At 9:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I agree with you that eating and reading in bed is WONDERFUL!

    I often have a large Ziploc bag full of broken up Hershey bars or M&Ms in my nightstand drawer to enjoy while I read. I read at night and I sneak out the chocolate after my husband is asleep. I have it in the Ziploc because it is quieter than the rustling of candy wrappers! :-)

  • At 10:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I love that picture. And the girl who thought to put the olive slices on the polenta cakes.

  • At 11:10 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, I hate people who don't understand that American Idol is a very very important and culturally significant show which should be watched while one is taping "House."

  • At 11:14 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…


    Great poem title:

    My Unavoidable Attraction to the Hearth of It

    That barking dog thing has almost pushed me to homicide before. If the cops are too bothered with it, you should do the Elaine-on-Seinfeld thing. Only successfully.

    Owners of incessantly barking dogs should be tied up outside until the end of the world.

  • At 11:16 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Note to self: Those who have been wives for many years learn to sneak things behind their husbands' back.

    Books and chocolate are contraband.

    My 2 favorite objects in life.

  • At 11:18 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Scott, kwitcher embarrassing me. No more mushy stuff. I mean it. Stop. I said stop.

    Really. No more. Ever.


  • At 11:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Candy, how can I tape "House" when "American Idol" in on IN PLACE OF IT? It makes me cry when that happens.

    Also, check your e-mail because a secret message is coming.

  • At 11:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    P.S. And God help you if you get caught with a book ABOUT chocolate!

    Lucky for you "Chocolate Rain" is permitted.

  • At 11:37 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    How moronic of me, Futuresis. In my haste to insult you, I totally missed the point. Let me try again:

    You need to snap out of your Idol-snootiness and be THRILLED when it's on instead of "House." That show is nothing but trouble. My mom used to watch it, then stopped. She says "Every week it's the same. Somebody is having fits."

  • At 11:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I have to confess that I have had some weird nightmares since I started watching "House." And sometimes, I'll feel a little sharp pang in the side of my head and I get worried that blood will start spraying out of my nose or running out of my eyes and ears.

    But I love that show, despite the paranoia it induces.

  • At 12:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    On that food thing...My Mom used to always find something wrong with her food at a restaurant. Potato was cold, carrots not cooked...always something. We thought she was being a pain. Until we ordered a pizza with everyone's favorite toppings on each quarter of the pie. When it came out, the bottom of her quarter, and her quarter only was burned. Black. We never teased her again.

  • At 12:04 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    HaHa!!! OneAvid, that burnt quarter of a pizza would have been ample evidence to have gotten her burned at the stake in Salem. She gots the power.

  • At 12:05 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    She had the power to shut y'all up anyhow.

  • At 12:06 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis...I love "House" too. When he did the "Survivor" elimination thing with the bunsen burners I howled.

  • At 12:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That was hilarious! I loved that! And I loved it when Wilson took his guitar hostage.

  • At 12:42 PM, Blogger mgm said…

    I love getting out of the bath or shower and wrapping up in a towel that has just come out of the dryer.

    I love a brand new journal. Those blank pages are delicious!

    I love curling up on my couch on a dark and chilly evening with a pint of Ben and Jerry's (no, I won't share).

    I love SuperNanny.

    I hate sharing my Ben and Jerry's unless I am sharing with someone who has their own pint in a different flavor.

    I hate drying off after a bath with a damp towel.

  • At 12:48 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Mmmm. Warm towel. Big fat thick warm towel.

    Ben & Jerry's "Cherry Garcia" is straight from God.

    Here is my most decadent food love:

    I get a giant Cadbury chocolate bar. The big obnoxious size. I put it on a plate. I microwave it for 15 seconds. I eat it with a spoon. I see beautiful sugar-induced hallucinations of things such as Fabio being backed over by a tractor.

  • At 12:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I hate looking into the faces of the people I work with and trying to figure out what they were like when they were young.

    I hate it that many of them have been dropped off here by their families and they never have any visitors.

    I hate myself when I don't feel like visiting my own grandma because I am around nursing home people all day.

    I hate feeling guilty.

  • At 1:19 PM, Blogger mgm said…

    Ohh, Candy! Cherry Garcia . . . word!

  • At 1:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ok. Cheerier stuff. Decadent food things!

    This is what I had for breakfast the other day. I emptied out three (yes, three) tapioca Snack Pack puddings and covered them with Cool Whip. It was a great breakfast in bed!

    Dr. Phil has an expression about having a party in your mouth. He is so right.

  • At 1:26 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Belle, I feel for you. It would kill me to see old people suffer at my job. (I'd much rather see students suffer.)

    Some people say they have "a heart for kids." I don't. It's the elderly people that make me ache.

    Pass that tapioca.

  • At 1:51 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    Love: Tom Waits, pot-sticker dumplings, the smell of hot paper just out of the printer, and freshly-sharpened pencils, to name a few.

    Hate: Oooh, lots of things. Root-canals, the feeling you get right before you throw up, cold coffee, doctors' offices, notices from the bank, the surprise pile in the lawn that somehow gets transfered from your shoe to the carpet of your car, and hip-hop teenagers.

    Heh. The hate list is always longer than the love. Don't know if that's such a good thing. BTW, love the asparagus art!

  • At 2:15 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Mel, I just discovered the magic of the pot sticker last week. Had never had one, and then ate 10. My new favorite food on the planet.

    Tom Waits. Excellent. Gravelly.

    Scott! Look! A real artist likes your food-art!

  • At 2:55 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    Ok, ok--Belle and Futuresis reminded me of two things I USED to love (and they both deal with ice cream)! I used to love a bowl of vanilla ice cream coated with Kix cereal. It no longer "does it" for me, though. Kix cereal used to be nice and delicately sweet. Now it tastes like balls of crunchy dust. I don't like balls of crunchy dust on my ice cream.

    Another thing I loved: on hot summer days I'd cram a bunch of ice cream in a Baggie[tm] (to you young'uns, that's an ancient version of a Ziploc[tm] bag ). Then I'd drape myself through the tire swing in the backyard, bite a corner off the Baggie[tm], and suck the ice cream out as I swung, watching the sun rays flash above me through the leaves.

    I hated cat poop in the sandbox. I still would, if I had a sandbox.

  • At 3:12 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    What a great image, Domhan. You and the Baggie-ice-cream and the tire swing.

    One thing I love: Your impression of Marlon Brando with your cheeks stuffed with lemon slices.

    "You come to me...on the day of my daughter's wedding..."

    It nearly killed me once.

  • At 3:29 PM, Blogger Hoosier Mama said…

    I love mayonnaise, crunch cones, homegrown tomatoes, watching people fall down, laughing (which is why I like watching people fall down), roller skating, yard saling, zinnias, sweet tea, and the way puppies smell.

    I hate Miracle Whip, poison ivy, rudeness, beets, country music, Hamburger Helper, and paper cuts.

  • At 5:46 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    I love mayonnaise, too. When I was a kid I used to love a nice white bread & mayo sandwich, and only Best Foods (Hellmans, to youse on the far side of the Rockies). Makes my more sophisticated friends blanch in horror when I tell them. I don't eat that way much anymore, though. It's a shame.

    and Jackie o, have you tried other kinds of beer? Like Guinness? Guinness is some good stuff--you could almost pour it over vanilla ice cream and have yourself a beer float.

  • At 6:04 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Lookit them dang mann-aze eaters. One likes yard sales and the other likes beer floats.

    I feel like there should be dogs under someone's front porch. :)

  • At 8:12 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    Ah hates the smell of dogs under the front porch.

    Love them main-aize sammiches, though. Even better with a slab of homegrown tomato in between the white bread and mayo!

    The bread had to be either Wonder Bread or Sunbeam. Uber-gormay!

    And, of course, the best way to eat a homegrown tomato is while it's still warm from the sun.

  • At 8:18 PM, Blogger EB said…

    I love a cup of hot tea, hoodies, crisp fall air, sitting around a fire outside, nights so clear that stars fill the sky, and I really love when all of those things come together. I also love my dog's brown eyes and the way her paws smell.

    I hate when people are inconsiderate--when they don't hold the door open after walking into a building or even look behind them to see if someone's coming, when they're rude to people in the drive-thru, when they splash water all over the counter in the bathroom and don't mop it up--just generally forgetting that there are other humans in the world and that the people around the are human.

  • At 8:19 PM, Blogger EB said…

    And I love typos.

  • At 8:26 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Domhan, I swear I am startin to think yer some kinda damn hick.

    I gotta scratch my armpit now.

  • At 8:28 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    EB, you just perfectly conjured fall. In the midwest.

  • At 8:32 PM, Blogger Steve B said…

    I love the lunchbox smell from when I was a kid. Fritos, banana and tuna fish sandwhich. To me that smell always says "safe and loved." dunno why.

    I love the smell of coffee more than I like the taste. I love the sound of a giggling child. I love the way the air gets a little colder just before it rains, so you can literally feel it coming.

    I love that deliciously groggy snuggly feeling in the two minutes before you know you HAVE to get up. It seems like the days when you can sleep in, it doesn't have the same sweet, forbidden pleasure.

    I hate barking dogs. A wrist rocket and a few marbles generally deals with that issue, though.

    I hate brussell sprouts. I hate rap. I hate that my 20-year old mind and my 42 year old body are increasingly at odds with one another.

  • At 8:36 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    dogs, heck, them are skunks.

    I seen 'em.


  • At 8:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mel- if you're looking for a beer that complements ice cream try Samuel Smith's Oatmeal Stout. I used to make it with Guinness, but when the restaurant was out of Guinness one morning before the beer delivery came, I grabbed a big bottle of the Samuel Smith's. Truly ice cream heaven.

  • At 8:45 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    AGGGGHHH! She SEEN 'em! Mel be tryin to keel me!

  • At 8:46 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Yeah, Steve, that mind-body thing is rotten. Try having an 8 year old mind and a 48-year-old body.

    Smells that say "safe and loved." Great stuff.

    Also, please travel here and quiet some dogs for me.

  • At 9:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    EB stole my first one ... I love the smell of Ceisaf's paws ... the musky little dog scent that he gets when he's cuddled up with us.

    I love the way my skin smells like water after swimming in a northern lake.

    i love the ringlets of anna's hair.

    i hate being treated like i'm not capable of a task i know perfectly well i'm capable of.

    i hate the sick feeling I get in the pit of my stomach whenever i realize that i've really fucked up (okay, i also hate fucking up).

    i hate people who treat people who love them like dirt, like the trendy-dressed thirty-something LA bleached and highlighted blond who dragged her obviously Midwestern mother around the Getty museum huffing and ignoring her mother's efforts at conversation. I don't care what previous history you've had, it's evil to treat someone like that, especially in public . It was almost 10 years ago and I still remember the feeling of loathing i had for the dauther and the ache in the pit of my stomach (lots like the fuck up ache) for the mother.

    i hate watching sit coms ... i hide this hate because the woman with the ringlets really likes them ... but it's just agony for me. I get so embarrassed for the characters when they do stupid things.

    i love fall and long crisp walks with a certain someone and a certain dog.

  • At 10:00 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Love your list, c...

    Isn't "ringlet" a cool word?

    That museum scene hurts just to hear about. Awful. And yeah, I think it's evil, too, no matter the history.

  • At 6:17 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    I'm with Mad Grad Mom: I love hot blankets out of the dryer when it's cold and winning the argument on who's turn it is to nuke it next.

    Love it when my sweetie and i get the giggles so bad we both end up with tears running down our cheeks -- especially when this happens while we're driving.

    The smell of smog on a hot summer day or Marlboros -- it all reminds me of Mexico City.

    Lazy man's desert: toast covered in syrup... = ]

    The smell of those empty plastic Whinny the Poohs & Tiggers for infants.

    LOVE reading this blog and when I'm down and laughing my ass off -- it makes my day. Yes, really. (I'm not naturally any kind of sycophant.) = ]

    LOVE it when my kitty Tika comes over and demands to be flipped over in my lap so she can do the slouch and watch TV with me. These things make life GREAT.

    HATE it:

    -- when I step in a fresh, wet fur ball in my socks.

    -- when cats think you see as good as them in the dark, don't move and then do that blood-curdling scream when you step on them. (Candy knows this one...)

    -- when people stand RIGHT next to you as you punch in your debit PIN to pay for stuff at the grocery store.

    -- "I don't know" from ANY customer service person... You know???!!! yup


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