Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Disturbing Christmas Ornament #1





I present to you one of my favorite creepy Christmas ornaments: a cloisonne version of the baby Jesus and the vigilant Mary and Joseph.

I do understand that it is probably a difficult thing to make anyone look good in cloisonne. But I am of the opinion that:

1. Joseph's hands should be hidden beneath his shepherd's cloak, not put on display with their 5-on-one-4-on-the-other deformity.

2. The baby Jesus should not be given the face of a piglet.

3. It is disturbing to look directly at Joseph's face, which is a mixture of Yasser Arafat and a guppy.

I'm leaving Mary alone. Because I'm sure it was a long day for her.

29 Comments:

  • At 12:59 AM, Blogger Mel said…

    Just. Awesome. That's all I've got to say. Oh, and MORE!

     
  • At 6:58 AM, Blogger Carin said…

    Angels!

    That's what you need on your tree. You and Scott could make a night of crafting if you get one of those big 'ole boxes of 'pons from Costco.

     
  • At 8:08 AM, Blogger Dana said…

    They look as if they all got a little close to the flames.

     
  • At 8:09 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    We simply must do it, Carin. ANY craft has to be good when it starts out with "Wet fingers and flick water."

     
  • At 8:10 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    You're right! The cloisonne artist had a giant bonfire/weenie roast right next to his finished art. DOH.

     
  • At 9:59 AM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    Carin- don't give her any ideas. She's already a bit crazy in the haid.

     
  • At 10:22 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Crazy? Well I don't think so. Because if I were CRAZY I might be hiding behind the door when you come home form work, and I might also be wielding a big hammer.

     
  • At 10:23 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    form=from

    See? Not crazy.

    Hammer. Candy like hammer.

     
  • At 12:36 PM, Anonymous Jackie O. said…

    Is it just me, or do the baby Jesus and his folks look a lot like aliens? Does this mean those Scientologists aren't so far off the mark after all?

    But now I must ask you to excuse me. Xenu and the Galactic Conferacy have commanded me to breed with an Upper-Level Thetan. Too bad L. Ron Hubbard never got around to teaching the Thetans about foreplay.

     
  • At 12:57 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jackie O, If I had a dollar for everytime you had to breed with an Upper Level Thetan, I could buy a nice backpack to carry back to the mothership.
    Oh, and I thought you and I agreed that foreplay was that moment when the doorbell rang.

     
  • At 3:07 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    priceless = ]

     
  • At 3:25 PM, Blogger Mad Grad Mom said…

    What do you mean "Disturbing Christmas Ornament #1"? Doesn'T Rin Tin Tin count for something?

    Oh, I finally bought a doorbell for our office. Do you know how much fun it is to watch Jackie O sprint naked to the door yelling, "Come. In." everytime she hears the telltale "Ding! Dong!"

     
  • At 4:34 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    Cripes, you people had WAY more fun in your office than I'm having in mine. There is no being nekid in our office! In fact, yesterday the four women I share office space with and I were having an "I'm avoiding grading papers" bull session, and I happened to mention that I was once chased (while I was dressed as a flamboyant hooker) by a male streaker whom I had watched doing cartwheels across campus. My office mates all turned red and giggled.

    Christ almighty, people! Let's have some fun!

     
  • At 4:41 PM, Blogger Mad Grad Mom said…

    Domhan, you should get a doorbell.

    A male streaker and flamboyant hooker??? Now that's a story!

     
  • At 5:05 PM, Anonymous Jackie O. said…

    For your information, I don't *always* sprint naked to the office door. Just this morning I answered the door wearing a pair of strategically placed Hostess Ding Dongs. Then MGM said (in the language of interpretive dance, of course), "Sheesh, what a Ho Ho!"

    To which *I* replied....

     
  • At 5:18 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    For your information, Mad Grad, that doggie's name is NOT Rin Tin Tin. It is Buck.
    And he is not the least bit disturbing.
    Some fokes ain't got no taste.

     
  • At 5:19 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Domhan, are you implying there are times when you AREN'T dressed like a flamboyant hooker???

     
  • At 5:20 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Citlali, that ornament is made even more priceless by its deep discount at TJMaxx.

     
  • At 5:21 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jackie O., How I miss our interpretive dances. I cannot find such perfect artistic expression in the desert. My sun-baked dead lizards refuse to dance.

    To which *I* replied...

     
  • At 7:24 PM, Blogger Mad Grad Mom said…

    Ya know, interpretative dance just doesn't mean as much, Candy, when it's just me and Jackie O. At least when you were still here, there was someone on the same gifted brainwave as Jackie and me. Now, we just look like morons

    To which *I* replied {{MGM shakes her money maker and does the Cabbage Patch}}

     
  • At 7:50 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    I tone down the flamboyancy when I go to the grocery store to buy tampons.

    No one wants to know such things about their hooker.

     
  • At 7:54 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    Significant Other wants to know what's the problem, anyway, with Joseph having four fingers on one hand? He was a carpenter.

    Could have been a shop teacher, too.

     
  • At 7:59 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    I stand corrected. Sig Oth now says that is EXACTLY the thing one wants to know about one's flamboyant hooker. Especially before you put down some cold hard cash.

     
  • At 8:26 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    "Gifted brainwave" Mad Grad? There weren't NO brainwaves among the three of us.

    Domhan, Maybe in some different translation of the New Testament, Joseph IS a shop teacher. Think of how many wooden lamps that village must've had. And how few digits.

     
  • At 8:51 PM, Anonymous c... said…

    okay, so i was *going* to say that Mary's hands appear to be attached to her breasts ... but then I found myself utterly befuddled to learn that jackie o is in our office ...

    why can't i figure out who jackie o is?! did juicy change names!?
    or does ld have two names!?
    what's going on here?!?!!!?!?!?

    someone send me an email. stat.

     
  • At 9:48 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Here is a hint, c...

    You will never see Jackie O. and "Juicy White Thigh" in the same place. Ever.

     
  • At 9:49 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    And really, Domhan, who would put down cold hard cash for a hooker that ISN'T flamboyant? It is a question for the ages.

     
  • At 10:27 PM, Blogger Gail said…

    That's hilarious! Possibly this particular Joseph poser passed on his warped genes to the piglet child. Maybe the creator of this scary piece should move on to marzipan.

     
  • At 10:29 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Marzipan! I believe you have just discovered the missing link.

     

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