Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

You Have Summoned Me?

That's right. Take a good look.

I have always been this ugly. I never went to the prom. I frightened young children. And I was picked last for every barnyard game. Even when I got onto a team, the game was almost always Red Rover, and I was too weak to break through the link between the cow and the goat, no matter how fast I ran.

So go ahead. Chop off my head and cook me and eat me. What do I care? I long for the afterlife where I might become a fuzzy bunny or a cute yellow chick.

What's that? You wish to know if there is anything I'd have done differently in my life? Yes, many things. I'd have tried to be more of a leader than a follower. I'd have eaten on the good china every day. I'd have come inside the barn when it rained, instead of looking upward to my near-drowning. I would tell someone, anyone, the key to life that I've discovered. In fact, I will tell you.

All you need to know is--




  • At 8:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What? WHAT IS IT?????

    Crap. I had a pen and paper all ready.

  • At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    How tragic. I'll never be able to eat turkey again. Or at least, not until tomorrow.

  • At 10:29 AM, Blogger Citlali said…

    Ha. I knew it. You DON'T know, do Ya?! Just fakin' us out. I should have known not to get excited... Darn. = ]

  • At 11:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm with you, Citlali. I think that turkey went and got executed on purpose. Not nice.

  • At 11:17 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    No, man. He just knew you weren't READY for the secret of the universe.


  • At 11:46 AM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    I hired an animal spirit medium to commune with the turkey and find out what he was going to say.

    It was,

    "Don't go through life with a foreskin hanging off your beak."

    Practical, yet disappointing really.

  • At 12:08 PM, Blogger Dana said…

    I thought it was 42.

  • At 1:02 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    PB, with all the animal murder you indulge in, you prolly have that spirit medium on speed dial.

    One of the secretaries here was talking up a restaurant that serves bison and venison. I thought of you.

  • At 1:02 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dana, it probably WOULD have been 42 if turkeys could read.

  • At 9:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I was listening to a man on the TV yesterday and he raises "Heritage Turkeys," that run around free, while their commercially bred, agro-industry cousins are forced to live lives of unspeakable desperation--they welcome the ax when it falls.

    So I think we have to know whether the turkey you reference is joyously free range or one that has lived a life of complete and utter despair. It would make a difference, wouldn't it? The free turkey would sound like Julie Andrews singing Mary Poppins, while the Butterball product would sound a lot like Raskolnikov
    in one of his down moments.

    Anyway, I didn't know anything about the psychological state of the turkey we had yesterday, but he/she went very well with home-made cranberry sauce.

  • At 9:08 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    As always, I can count on you for a laugh, Tony.


  • At 11:41 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Did my little niece put her toy down long enough to see the widdle turkey?

    Wii will never know.


Post a Comment

<< Home