Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Thursday, July 09, 2009

They Had To Be Stopped

In our backyard, there is a palm tree.
In the palm tree resides a community of pigeons, numbering around 13.

We have been tolerant. We have put up with the feathers floating on the surface of the pool water, and the buoyant shit-splats that look like chewed gum bumping into us when we swim. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES WE CLEAN THE POOL WITH THE BIG BUTTERFLY NET.

Lately, it has gotten ridiculous. Not only have the pigeons been screwing as much as frat boys claim they are screwing, but their feces output has been almost otherworldly. Between all the screwing and the dropping of pigeon logs, you'd think the pigeons would be svelte and thin. No. They're all getting as big and bulbous as turkeys and taking on a welfare mentality.

Guess what? Today, we hired a guy to give our palm tree a most severe trimming. Picture Amy Winehouse's big ratty bouffant sliced down to a Marine-approved burr cut.

Take that, you shitting machines. You, who deposited so many layers of shit on the branches of our palm tree that the shit-chunks would finally launch downward from their own weight, falling like shit-baseballs onto our lawn, and then bursting into even more unsightly shit-pancakes.

Scott and I came outside this evening to see all of you confused like the morons you are, sitting dejectedly on our neighbor's roof. How triumphant we were. Scott doing a little dance and saying "Take that, bitches!" It was a day where we said "Take that" a lot.

I took photos of you in your exile. We laughed as we walked into the house. I downloaded the photos onto the computer and decided to go take more.

The neighbor's roof was empty.

You were all back in our tree, jockeying for position and trying to perch your fat asses on branches no longer than cigarettes.

I was a bit sorry that I decided to relay this information to Scott. It might have been better if I hadn't seen him burst out the back door and then go ballistic with the garden hose, snapping it like a whip and pinching the stream with his fingers so he could blast you out of the tree. While gritting his teeth and telling you what shitting bitches you are. This is what happens when you go back for more pictures.


  • At 11:19 AM, Blogger Jenni said…

    I predict doom for the palm tree...

  • At 12:17 PM, Anonymous banjo said…

    You need to find a plastic owl or some other 3D bird of prey silhouette and put it in that palm tree or somewhere close. Plastic owls don't shit in the pool and don't eat, and stay on 24 hr guard, and don't have a plastic owl decoy union to demand better working conditions when it gets hot in the tree. Pigeons aren't smart enough to tell the plastic version from the real thing and tend to give the owl and the surrounding trees a wide birth. At least, Canadian pigeons do.

  • At 1:52 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    I would think a cat would be hazardous to pigeon health. A Browning 12 Gauge might change their motivation as well(not to shoot them, but to aggravate them.)

    Pigeons are tree rats - but I wouldn't want to hurt them. Some people eat them...that's one way to save money and get some protein.

  • At 2:11 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jenni, the palm tree is pleading its case today. It has begged me to take Banjo's suggestion about the fake owl.
    It has even offered to learn to move around and say mean things, like the trees in "The Wizard of Oz."

  • At 2:13 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, Ooooh, we could get a cat and NAME it "Browning 12 Gauge!" :)

    My dad, in his healthy days, would've had those pigeons pureed by now, with his rifle.

    I think if I were a cat, the sheer number of these things, and the size, would scare me into becoming a pacifist.

  • At 8:01 PM, Blogger Stacey B. said…

    Maybe you could pull a Steel Magnolias and fill the tree with firecrackers...that really seemed to do the trick....

  • At 11:28 PM, Blogger laurazim said…

    Oh really must post a "pee-before-reading" warning on some of these posts. My laundry piles piles of pigeon poo.

    I have absolutely no advice for you. My fight is not with the pigeons, but with the cowbirds who chase away my lovely finches and then make hideous messes below the feeder, right outside my kitchen window.

    I hear pigeons are tasty.....

  • At 11:37 PM, Anonymous JWebb said…

    Well then. Last weekend as I was mowing, clipping, fertilizing the front yard, I kept hearing a kitten in distress, mewling in the dense sagebrush to the southwest of our property line. I'm a softie - so crawled on all fours through the brambles for half an hour to try to find the little lost one. Every time I called "here, kitty, kitty, tsk, tsk, tsk" I heard the same baleful yowling.

    In the end, it turned out to be a frickin' bird that perfectly mimicks the sound of a cat in distress. It took Gail to tell me it "just might be a cat bird," which I never knew existed until she informed me. Gail's good that way - gently informs you of realities that your shit-for-brains never considered before.

    So now I got me a gray-speckled cat-bird mewling in my various underbrush.

    God bless Dear Gail Hapke...

  • At 12:14 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    HEY! The firecrackers sound fun! I have never seen "Steel Magnolias." It's on my very long list of stuff I'd like to see, if only I would sit down and watch them.

    Cowbirds I have heard of. But I didn't know they chased off finches.

    CATBIRDS are new to me, too, JWebb. I'd have freaked out if I'd seen a bird making that sound. You are so sweet to have been crawling around trying to help the kitty.

    And yes, Gail knows how to insert into into mooshy brains (like mine) and not make you feel like an ass.

  • At 3:33 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    Pellet rifles work wonders in these situations.


Post a Comment

<< Home