They Had To Be Stopped

In our backyard, there is a palm tree.
In the palm tree resides a community of pigeons, numbering around 13.

We have been tolerant. We have put up with the feathers floating on the surface of the pool water, and the buoyant shit-splats that look like chewed gum bumping into us when we swim. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES WE CLEAN THE POOL WITH THE BIG BUTTERFLY NET.

Lately, it has gotten ridiculous. Not only have the pigeons been screwing as much as frat boys claim they are screwing, but their feces output has been almost otherworldly. Between all the screwing and the dropping of pigeon logs, you'd think the pigeons would be svelte and thin. No. They're all getting as big and bulbous as turkeys and taking on a welfare mentality.

Guess what? Today, we hired a guy to give our palm tree a most severe trimming. Picture Amy Winehouse's big ratty bouffant sliced down to a Marine-approved burr cut.

Take that, you shitting machines. You, who deposited so many layers of shit on the branches of our palm tree that the shit-chunks would finally launch downward from their own weight, falling like shit-baseballs onto our lawn, and then bursting into even more unsightly shit-pancakes.

Scott and I came outside this evening to see all of you confused like the morons you are, sitting dejectedly on our neighbor's roof. How triumphant we were. Scott doing a little dance and saying "Take that, bitches!" It was a day where we said "Take that" a lot.

I took photos of you in your exile. We laughed as we walked into the house. I downloaded the photos onto the computer and decided to go take more.



The neighbor's roof was empty.

You were all back in our tree, jockeying for position and trying to perch your fat asses on branches no longer than cigarettes.

I was a bit sorry that I decided to relay this information to Scott. It might have been better if I hadn't seen him burst out the back door and then go ballistic with the garden hose, snapping it like a whip and pinching the stream with his fingers so he could blast you out of the tree. While gritting his teeth and telling you what shitting bitches you are. This is what happens when you go back for more pictures.