Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Saturday, September 02, 2006

The Pterodactyl on the Covered Bridge

It's hard for Candy to remain her bitter self and to keep her heart as crusty and hard as a four-day-old baguette when happiness keeps swooping in.

My brain is like one of those things they used to have behind the front desk at hotels, with little pigeonholes for room keys and phone messages. Every room had its own compartment. Every key had a place to go. In the Brain of Candy Rant, there have always been many, many pigeonholes for each of the following categories: Things to Dread, Bad Memories, Things That Suck, Things That Might Get Messed Up, Reasons Candy Might Go to Hell, and the like.

When something good happened to me, the key that went with that particular thing got lost on the floor behind the counter, because there was no place to put it. When I tried to push it into one of the dark and dreadful pigeonholes, it was rejected. Spat out. Like those maddening change machines that seem to think your dollar is not quite up to snuff.

In the past year, good things keep happening to poor Candy, who is too mentally warped to know what to do with them. Good things cause discomfort. Case in point: when a nice work promotion came along a few years back, out of the blue, I was in Immediate Cognitive Distress. Ten minutes later, I walked to my car and someone had bashed the side of it in. Hit and run crunch. I felt so much better. The other shoe had dropped almost instantaneously. Ahhh, sweet relief.

But now, something big has happened. Remember the Best Boyfriend in the World? The one who's been so mesmerizingly good to me? Well, a week ago today he became the Best Fiance in the World.

He proposed to me on a covered bridge in Indiana, close to where my family lives, and when he did, Happiness swooped down and sat atop that 100 year old bridge like a pterodactyl. Screaming like a banshee, just like at the beginning of "Jonny Quest." (And if you got that reference, I love you.) It flapped its prehistoric wings and did a little Jurassic dance and there I was, on the bridge, crying like a wussie-girl as the shiny rock was sliding onto my finger.

There is no getting around this. I have to tear down some old things and build something new. I have to demolish the giant steely 90-storey hotel and its hundreds of "the shit is gonna hit the fan" pigeonholes, and start up again with a tiny bed and breakfast where there is only one room. Then I don't have to pigeonhole everything into Good or Bad. I can just go into the teeny tiny hidden house in the woods and try to get used to the idea that life doesn't have to be polarized. You can have joy and fear and confusion all at once.

OK, I'm making myself puke. I need to break some glass.

I wouldn't have to ponder all this if Happiness hadn't made me her bitch.

12 Comments:

  • At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    I'd be happy to come by with a 1000 foot crane with a wrecking ball. We could make a party out of it.

    Or, I could just lend it to you, if you want all the fun of doing it alone.

     
  • At 6:04 AM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    Best wishes, Little Rantling. To you and the boy with the weird pterydactyl pet.

     
  • At 12:31 PM, Anonymous oneavid said…

    Congratulations! You're right. There is no shoe waiting to drop. Just happiness and best wishes to some who deserves to be
    happy.

     
  • At 2:14 PM, Blogger Gail said…

    When are you going to come out Candyrant, so I can blogroll you? And git to work, ho. I'm here. Why aren't you?

     
  • At 4:03 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Thanks Ana, oneavid and Gail!

    I have to beat myself with a cat-o-nine tail just to stay sane.

    Yeah, that's why. Just to stay sane.

     
  • At 4:46 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Gail, I'm hiding out at home today. The 4-day weekend made me have to ramp up to the whole work thing again. Gradually.

     
  • At 9:51 AM, Anonymous chubbyknuckles said…

    Downsizing can be painful...if you look at it as painful. But it can also be exhilarating...if you chose to look at how liberating downsizing can be. Going from a huge hotel to a small, comfy B&B is liberating! Congratulations on all aspects of your life!

    Words cannot say how happy I am for you and "the most wonderful fiancé in the world." Seriously. He sounds like a wonderful, warm, supportive (not to mention romantic!) partner that you'll grow old with--happily, hand-in-hand, skipping through the park and whistling merry tunes. Again, seriously! --ck
    P.S. I was in love with Johnny Quest!

     
  • At 9:54 AM, Anonymous chubbyknuckles said…

    Be the bitch of happiness! Downsizing can be painful...if you look at it as painful. But it can also be exhilarating...if you chose to look at how liberating downsizing can be. Going from a huge hotel to a small, comfy B&B is liberating! Congratulations on all aspects of your life!

    Words cannot say how happy I am for you and "the most wonderful fiancé in the world." Seriously. He sounds like a wonderful, warm, supportive (not to mention romantic!) partner that you'll grow old with--happily, hand-in-hand, skipping through the park and whistling merry tunes. Again, seriously! --ck
    P.S. I was in love with Johnny Quest!

     
  • At 10:14 AM, Anonymous chubbyknuckles said…

    Sorry, Candy. You got duplicate msgs. from me. (Feel free to delete one.) The server's giving me bogus error msgs. today.--ck

     
  • At 6:11 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Chubby, the blog comment section went hinkie. I couldn't get a comment on at all for awhile. But I like your message(s) so much I'm keeping them both.
    So there.
    I'm a greedy hag.

     
  • At 10:03 PM, Blogger joated said…

    I'm late, having just seen your site touted at gail's, but congratulations anyway.

    Best wishes. All that rot.


    Now, have you broken any glass?

    I'll be back often your word pictures are worth a thousand paintings.

     
  • At 1:20 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Thanks, Joated! I haven't broken glass! I gotta do that.
    How could I have forgotten? When I love the sound of breaking glass so much anyway?

     

Post a Comment

<< Home