Wearing a Dickie is Not the Only Thing You Can Do to Be Uncool

You know that kid in your grade school class that had to wear those big black clodhopper shoes? Orthopedic shoes. Corrective shoes. There was no way in hell he had any chance of being cool. Perhaps if "Young Frankenstein" had come out way back then, that kid could have gotten the chicks by clomping across a stage while moaning "Puttin' on the Ritz."

But no, that poor little simp got bludgeoned at recess, and was ejected from every white-hot game of "Mother May I." He was an outcast.

In Candy Rant's world, there is an orthopedic-shoe-equivalent snack. While her friends are sinking their spiteful teeth down into the luscious waxy chocolate of Snickers Bars and Reese Cups, Candy is shamefully tearing open the wrapper of her Glucerna Bar, made especially for diabetics. If this bland, bitter fake candy bar were to appear in an episode of the Brady Bunch, playing Marcia's ugly awkward glasses-wearing nerdy friend, no amount of Marcia's makeover magic could turn the Glucerna bar into someone who, suddenly beautiful, could be elected Homecoming Princess. No. Glucerna, a distant cousin of the wart-nosed Splenda, would alienate Marcia, wreck Greg's convertible, and end up whoring out behind Sam's Butcher Shop.

My kingdom for a dickie.