And Then Sometimes People Practically Volunteer to Be Obliterated From the Earth

They come forth and proclaim themselves too stupid to be alive. Or certainly too stupid to be at a big giant university that prides itself on taking only the best and the brightest. The top-five-percenters of their classes.

Case in point: A freshman walked into the main office of the English Department today and asked, "If my composition class is held in the Speech and Hearing Building, does that mean it'll be taught in sign language?"

This is what we're up against, people. This is our future. (Cue Whitney Houston "I believe the children are the future..." song here.)

Do you know what this means? It means that when people my age are in nursing homes 40 years from now, those running it, the youth of today, will be putting catheters in our mouths, feeding us ground up Barbie dolls, filling our bedpans with poker chips, and spending their free time speaking earnestly to slinkies and Chia pets.

We are doomed. We need to drink the purple Koolaid now.

Gulp. Gulp.

Thud.