Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Sunday, August 20, 2006

It Is Time to Thin the Herd and Sorority Girls Must Be the First to Go

This was not an easy decision. Since there are many groups of people who simply need to be booted off the planet, I have had to spend considerable time deliberating. You understand.

Groups I Perused:

1. People who go to buffets and sneeze over the food.
2. People who still use the phrase "thinking outside the box."
3. People who flip me off after I honk after they pull in front of me like the inbred vermin they are.
4. People who start conversations with "I got so wasted last night."
5. NASCAR fans
6. All those who ever loved the song "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo. (Admittedly, I would have had to off myself with this group.)

I came to my decision yesterday, when, while on campus and walking past a dreaded sorority house on the way to my building, I saw a sorority chicklet come out the front door of the house, talking on a cell phone. As she came down the front walk, she said this: "I have to go now because I have to concentrate on walking."

Before that moment, I was willing to hold back on the obliteration of all sorority girls. I was willing to bite the bullet when, in my classes, one of them speaks up with such brilliant questions as "Does this class, like, have a color theme?" I was willing to allow the Heathers and Tiffanys and Ambers and Brittanys chew their gum and drag their lazy flip-flop-clad bitch-heels down the sidewalks of our hallowed university. No more. I must now blow them to tiny specks of smithereens. I will no longer be forced to encounter the Jennifers who say their name is "Junn-ifer." They can mispronounce their own names in the great Wet Seal store in the sky. Don't be sad for them. They'll never notice the difference.

6 Comments:

  • At 8:24 AM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    You're doing a great service to humanity.

    Can you take out the idiots that slow down on a freeway that's moving right along, just to rubberneck at a traffic accident going the other way, too?

    Thanks.

     
  • At 6:02 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Well, I'm all about service to humanity. As long as I can off the people who annoy me.

    Consider your rubberneckers gone. The Candy Rant Death Ray has been launched.

     
  • At 8:25 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    Candy Rant Death Ray. Is it pink? Can I borrow it?

     
  • At 9:45 AM, Anonymous chubbyknuckles said…

    I'd love to be your sidekick, Candy. I have great sidekick superpowers, you know. You can use your death ray on the herd members, but only after I give them something to think about before they meet their sugary Candy end. I have the ability to make people think they are about to shit their pants. And I can set that mental stun-gun to "kill" if I want; I can make them REALLY shit their pants. Handy ability to have when the traffic cop is approaching your car window, ticket book in hand.

    This superpower really speeds up the line at the BMV, especially when the public bathroom has a uni-sex "one-holer".

     
  • At 8:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I was in college a long time ago. I did not like sorority and fraternity types then and I still don't like them. I really thought they would leave college and grow and up and stop being stupid but I was wrong. 25 years later and I can still spot one.

    Take them out!!

     
  • At 9:58 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dear anonymous,

    Me too. I hate them. They must go. And it'll be my pleasure to take them out.
    We must harvest their organs.

     

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