Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Thursday, August 03, 2006

When Even My Favorite Vice Doesn't Work

Some days, life sucks the big donkey schlong. Yesterday, my life sucked it. It not only sucked it, it ran back for a second helping of jackass knob. And a third. By the end of my day, my life had pleasured more four-legged mammals than that bitch Catherine the Great ever could have managed.

I won't go into detail, except to say that the completely unexpected hostile behavior of 2 total strangers knocked me into such a depression that I felt like I was zapped into a vacuum tube, Hoovered down to the core of the earth, dipped in rhino piss, then spit back out into a disorienting lostness. Like I was the last cold noodle in a Chinese food take-out carton.

I got the wind knocked out of me, and I had zero creativity working, and so I did the predictable asinine thing: I went to Baskin Robbins for a pint of peanut-butter chocolate ice cream. I ate it. I felt sick and full of sugary emptiness and empty of everything I really needed. Because what I really needed was the feeling that it was OK to have stood my ground with these two wretched vermin sphincters. And I needed to stop beating the shit out of myself for not handling it better, and for not being the person I want to be, and for not having been born the right person, and for being confused and hurt and outrageously pissed off and weary. Why is it that we sometimes seem to relish the feeling of baby-seal-clubbing ourselves to a bloody pulp when we need to stand firmly in our own corner? Excuse me. I think I just went into pronoun hell.

Anyway, the ice cream failed me, as I knew it would, and the blood sugar was high this morning. And I realize more than ever that I need to find out how to, when the wind is knocked out of me, slowly and insistently breathe it back in.


  • At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Unfortunately, I don't think that Happiness is found at the bottom of a carton of ice cream, Candy. Blindness, poor circulation and lots of other fun things have hogged up all the room. I know from experience It doesn't live in a tasty pizza box or in a piping hot loaf of declicious crusty bread either, trust me on that.

    I'm not sure where Happiness makes its permanent home, but the fleeting glimpses I catch occasionally on a long walk, in the pool or at the salad bar are starting to convince me that I've been looking in the wrong places for a long time.

  • At 9:55 AM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    You're getting better. Right there with that post you've started to make a very big change.

    I think that you should try some willful self-deception. Because it works. Pretend that you are who you want to be. Put on the act of being who you want to be. Fake it 'till you make it, baby. When all hell is breaking loose tell yourself (not out loud) "I am competent. I am healthy. I can deal with this. I will forget this shit in a matter of seconds. I will go on with my day with good cheer and a positive outlook." Be militant about it. Cling to it. Whatever. When you aren't who you want to be, pretend to be who you want to be. Act "as if". Look at each attempt to disrupt your equilibrium as a challenge to your authority in your life. YOU ARE ALL POWERFUL IN YOUR OWN LIFE! When temptation rears it's head attack it like a Viking: "I DON'T EAT ICE CREAM TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER!! ROOOOOAAAAAAR!" And whack the temptation. Throw your head back in satisfaction and laugh in the face of temptation like a marauding maniac. "Ha ha ha temptation! I am bigger than you! Ha ha ha!" WHACK.

    Go go go go go go go!!!!!!!

  • At 1:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well said, Ana. I couldn't possibly agree more.

  • At 9:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ana's post gives me a terrific image--that of getting a baseball bat and having a friend pitch pints of Ben & Jerry's to you. You, of course, are using the bat to whack the pints (NOT catching them!) so that they make a satisfying splotch! Allowing them to melt just a bit before batting practice would probably help this effect. Can you imagine how cool it would be if you could actually do this? Me, I have absolutely no hand/eye coordination; I can't smack a medicine ball with a log.

    Ah, you are stronger than the sugar, Candy.

  • At 2:15 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Good Lord. What a bunch of insightful people stopped by Candy's world. Yowza. All 3 of you gave me great things to think about, all with different tones and imagery. From the fleeting glimpses of Happiness to the pretending to be powerful when I feel anything BUT, and then that superb image of batting practice.

    God has his uber-groovy messengers and it's such a cool thing to hear your thoughts. Thank you.

    You helped the cause in my head to keep putting on its shitkicking boots for another day in the corral.


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