Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Irrational Anger Toward Fruit

I wasn't going to admit this. But I must sacrifice my dignity for the others of my kind. Those who are trying to give up sugar.

Tonight I was eating fruit. And more fruit. I was told that this could help the sugar cravings. I had an apple, and then a banana. (This after a healthy dinner of chicken breast and brussel sprouts.) An hour after the banana I was still jonesing for sugar. I walked into the kitchen to my sad array of fruit. Next on deck was an orange. A happy little bright fruit all eager to be my friend. I threw the poor little bastard against the wall. Hard. There was no satisfaction gained. Just a boring thud and a few drops of orange juice splattered onto the drywall.

I knew at that moment that if a large Cadbury Milk Chocolate Bar showed up in my living room, I'd peel off its wrapper, tenderly at first, then urgently, and I'd ravage it. There would be no foreplay, no small talk, just me saying "You filthy little chocolatey boy. WHERE were YOU last night?" There's no law against ravaging a candy bar.


  • At 12:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    [wipes orange juice off of the screen]

    Uh, my middle name is Cadbury, does that get me anywhere?

  • At 5:18 PM, Blogger Gail said…

    The Pythons had a skit called How to Defend Yourself Against Attacks with Fresh Fruit. Ultimately, you use a gun.


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