Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Monday, June 19, 2006

The Ugly (and Woefully Inadequate) Stepsisters

Life has lowered the boom on me and my sugar-glutton self and I can no longer dive in and indulge in desserts like a happy, wallowing hog. Thus, I have searched for alternatives. It has been less than successful.

Let's pretend that the handsome prince is searching for his lovely Cinderella. She'll be, say, a big honking square of tiramisu, glowing in multi-layered goodness. The prince enters the humble cottage where he hopes to find his fair maiden. Instead, there is a grievously ugly, cheap-perfume-wearing, St. Bernard-faced hag in Cindy's place. We shall call her Splenda. The prince recoils from her, from the fake and bitter sweetness radiating from her, grabs the precious glass slipper and runs out into the busy ox-cart-travelled path and is run over and flattened.

I will elaborate. While I was in Arizona with my boyfriend, who also happens to be the best guy in the universe, we searched for options that might satisfy my infamous sugar cravings. He brought home some Breyer's No-Sugar-Added Chocolate Ice Cream. Brimming with Splenda. We each ate a bowl of it. OK, he ate one bowl and Miss Heifer had to have two. A couple hours later, we went to bed. So far, so good.

The boyfriend, who rarely, rarely, gets headaches, woke up early in the morning with a blasting one. I, on the other hand, had heart palpitations pretty much all night long. They kept waking me up, my chest pounding like a monkey humping a mongoose.

I googled "splenda side effects" and guess what? That shit is straight from the bowels of hell. About a zillion people have left detailed descriptions on a message board, some of them having gone to the E.R. for what they thought were heart attacks. And many had seethingly bad headaches. There was a whole long list of maladies seemingly caused by Splenda, including the stubborn plateau-ing of weight loss. I will never eat that nuclear pus again.

There have been other forays into the strange land of dessert alternatives. More on these other stepsisters as our tale unfolds.

11 Comments:

  • At 8:03 AM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    Space age polymers. Great for keeping astronauts in orbit. In ice cream, not so good.

     
  • At 9:59 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    Splenda gives me the head-shattering headaches from hell. How I hate it. It's not food. Your body doesn't know what to do with it. It just gets stored up in your brain. Where it poisons you.

    Try stevia. Google it first, I mean. healthfood stores have it.

     
  • At 3:59 PM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    I've been working with stevia lately, Ana. It's certainly the best sweetener I've ever used.

     
  • At 9:40 PM, Blogger Gail said…

    I've never heard of stevia. I'll have to give it a try. I DON'T like artificial sweeteners though. I'd rather drink water than diet Coke most of the time, and eat refrigerator ice rather than sugar-free ice cream.

    I think your boyfriend is the greatest too, Candy. Let me know when you're done with him.

     
  • At 10:48 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    Stevia doesn't have the same nasty taste and side effects of other sweetners. Try it.

     
  • At 4:36 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I've had a couple of experiences with stevia. More on that soon.

     
  • At 12:53 PM, Blogger Gail said…

    Is that the Stevia you met in the tranny bar?

     
  • At 1:18 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    No, silly! You're thinking of Stevia Nicks!

     
  • At 9:28 PM, Anonymous JWebb said…

    If stevia is the crap they use in fat-free, sugar-free Jello, count me out. Jello-shots are tasteless, but they're not supposed to be, you know, Tasteless.

     
  • At 3:19 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    JWebb, I think that crap in Jello might be Nutrasweet/Aspartame. It sucks. Tastes oddly sickening.

    Count me out, too.

     
  • At 1:49 PM, Anonymous Belle said…

    I found you Candy and I love it all! (your writing)

    I don't do artificial sweeteners either. I always say that there will be nursing home wings some day. "These are all of the ladies who had Nutrasweet" is what we will say as we give the tour. We know the long term effects of sugar so that is all I use!

     

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