Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Thursday, July 23, 2009

He Had To Have Her

One of the reasons it's taking me SO long to pack stuff is that I'm going through every single one of the boxes I've been dragging along with me through the past FOUR moves, in an attempt to purge.

Today, I'm shredding old student papers. I glanced over the first page of one, and had to share the opening with you. This is from an introductory fiction writing class, circa 1999.

She was easily one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. Her vibrant black hair glowed like a quiet creek. Her skin was the perfect shade of honey brown. Her eyes sparkled like the shimmering chandeliers that grace Buckingham Palace. And her body --ooh her body-- curved flawlessly from head to toe.

Although I had been in a similar predicament before, the feeling of nausea still felt fresh. Anxiety trampled through my tender veins as fear swept across my flesh like bugs scatter when the lights are turned on. I freaked like a stereotypical suburban school girl: "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!"

I know she felt it. I know she felt my eyes. I looked at her like Oprah looks at a fresh piece of fried chicken. God I wanted her. But could I have her?


  • At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    This student, of course, is now writing for The Guiding Light. I hope you saved this!

    Turing word: jolly st. Which is us these days, 24/7.

  • At 12:56 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jolly Street??

    Crap. I musta taken a wrong turn and gotten off the Hormonal Highway ramp.

    And, if this kid is writing for The Guiding Light, he's almost out of a job. They're going off the air. Kids in the know/losers who watch soaps know this. :)

  • At 7:53 AM, Blogger Jerry said…

    As I red this stunting piece of literary writing, my skin wriggled like weasels were ripping my flesh.

    My heart died within me and then lept into the vibrant emotions of the letters of the words.

    This writer is better than my veriest favorite writer - Long Toungins of Hustler fame.

    I love the transsexual metaphors and symbolisms and stuff. I think this writer can get two thumbs up if he pulls the one out of his bum.

  • At 11:54 PM, Anonymous JWebb said…

    "I looked at her like Oprah looks at a fresh piece of fried chicken. God I wanted her. But could I have her?"

    I know Oprah and can only say she is a wonderful, caring person.

    But in my humble opinion, she might want to reconsider her Spandex Ski Apparel sponsors until she jettisons her personal KFC nutritionist.

    Is all I'm saying....

  • At 12:47 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, I wish I could really read reviews like that one! Loved it.

  • At 12:49 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    JWebb, Oprah ain't about to give up her chicken.

    Never. Never never never. She picked up that wagon of her own fat and slapped it right back on.

  • At 10:58 PM, Blogger laurazim said…

    Oh my gosh. Oh my GOSH! It's so reminscent of something trashy I wrote for a class in HIGH SCHOOL.

    No, this student shouldn't write for Guiding Light. He should write for Tele Novela. (Is that still on?)

    "She laughed so hard, her bladder began contracting like a waterbed matress ripples when a fat man belly flops onto it."

  • At 2:13 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    laurazim, you're jealous of his writing. Admit it. You've always wanted to write for Tele Novela. Tell the truth! Go toward the light!

  • At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Ana said…

    That was gloriously uninhibited trash-o-rama. In a beached-whale-in-a-thong kind of way. Look away!

  • At 5:34 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    Clearly a candidate for the Bullwer-Lyton contest.

    Word Check: "Gandepho"

    I just found my new World of Warcraft character name.


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