Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Friday, June 19, 2009

Avian Randiness

It's happening again. Bird sex. This time it is the huge pigeons that live in the palm tree behind our house. I have always been leery of these birds. Ever since I got in the habit of going outside at night and shining a flashlight into the tree. The first time was July 4th, 2006. I was visiting Scott before we were married and it was way too hot to drive over to see the fireworks. Who gives a rat's sphincter about fireworks when it's 112 degrees at night? So we went outside, sat with our feet in the pool, and it was really peaceful except for the flutter of the creepy birds in the palm tree. I got a flashlight and shot it up there at them and they just hung there like big obnoxious fruit. Juicy, fat feather-berries, blinking their eyes like "Do you friggin' MIND?" It was their accusatory look that got me. The nerve.

So today, when there were FOUR of them in the tree having such vicious sex that my sister and niece and I could not hear our own conversation, I took action. I got the garden hose and held it as high over my head as I could, and put my thumb on the end of it to make it spray really hard, and water-blasted their crude behavior right out of the tree. They took off for parts unknown and stray feathers floated to the ground like cigarette ashes. I felt empowered.

I sat down and enjoyed the quiet and wholesomeness.
Then they zipped back into the tree, wet but unfettered, and resumed their positions.


  • At 10:28 AM, Blogger Citlali said…

    Wouldn't it be COOL if you could put one of those industrial irrigation sprinklers on motion sensor directed right at that tree??? You know, until moving here I NEVER thought it would be possible for me to say that I hated an animal, but lemetelya -- it's possible. I HATE every single thing about pigeons AND doves. What is wrong with the world... sigh. BIG hugs. = ]

  • At 4:45 PM, Anonymous Tony said…

    Look--this bird voyeurism is getting a little problematical. How about going inside, turning on the A/C and getting a good game of Boggle going?

  • At 8:58 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Citlali, I am so glad we have this in common. I have a visceral hatred for them and they simply seem not to care. I think the irrigation sprinklers would get them to internalize it.

  • At 8:59 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Tony, you're right. I am very much too involved in the goings on in the sleaze-world of birdies.

    I need to dig out the Boggle.

    Or the bong.

  • At 11:30 PM, Anonymous banjo said…

    I'd go for the bong if I were you Candy. It won't stop the pigeons from fornicating in your tree, but you won't give a damn.

  • At 11:32 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Banjo, dude, could you turn up the Steely Dan?

  • At 4:34 PM, Anonymous banjo also said…

    Eagles, Candy. Eagles - One Of These Nights. And yes, loud. VERY LOUD! And Imperial cheese spread on Wheat Thin crackers. And grin and laugh until my cheeks hurt. But I don't remember if there were any pigeons.

    PS. My word verification is "tokerv". I kid you not!!

  • At 7:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    In addition to my once-in-a-lifetime "Homer Scream," I also have received odd looks from strangers when I do my impression of a line from "The Producers" -- it's when they track down the author of "Springtime for Hitler" in a Brooklyn apartment house, whereupon an old lady points to the roof where the nutcase tends to his pigeons: "Boids. He keeps dirty, filthy BOIDS," she snarls.

    Also, "rats with wings," as someone else observed.. :)

  • At 12:49 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Cheese spread and crackers. AWESOME. And yes to the Eagles only if we put on "Dark Side of the Moon" after that.

  • At 12:50 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    S, you have held back on me with that "boids" impression. Can you believe I've never seen "The Producers?" But nothing will ever top the Homer scream. It was exquisite.

  • At 4:10 PM, Blogger laurazim said…

    First of all, I report to you with a perfectly straight face that my security word is "sxess"--yes, with "sex" spelled backward right there in the middle.

    How perfectly ironic.

    I can't tell you how much exercise I'm getting from these posts. Jumping up to race to the loo whilst hyperventilating really gets the heart rate goin', ya know? Thanks as always for a hilarious read!

  • At 8:47 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Laurazim, glad SOMEONE is getting exercise. :)

    I want a license plate with


    on it. Whatdya wanna bet it's already taken!


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