Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Shiny Mirror Ball in Hell

Futuresis says: For the jobs I would apply for in the afterlife question...I thought of a job that I would really, really like. I would like to be Hell's DJ. I would love to be in charge of compiling the list of music that the folks in Hell would have to spend eternity listening to.

Which songs should be included?


  • At 10:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Air Supply. Lots and lots of Air Supply.

    Then I'd have a show called "Long, Long, Eternally Long Afternoons with Kenny G".

  • At 10:57 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    OMG, perfect. I couldn't think of a better show for hell... OK, maybe a show called "Simply Muzak..."

    (evil chuckle, evil chuckle...)

    = ]

  • At 12:56 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    "Open Arms" by Journey. Sure, it's kind of romantic the first few times, but after a while, it really makes you want to spew.

  • At 1:01 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    Oooh! Oooh! I know!

    "Achey-Breaky Heart"

  • At 6:45 AM, Blogger ian said…

    I see Hell as sort of an ironical kind of place: sure it's hell, but Satan wants to have a little fun with the whole genre. So I think there would be a lot of Richard Cheese playing.

    Come on, get down with the sickness ...

    Carin - NOT IAN, who is signed in, and I'm too lazy to switch.

  • At 7:28 AM, Blogger Dana said…

    I would have to say Whitney Houston's Greatest Love of All.

    I would rather have the Glass=Shard and Lava-Shooter aimed at me for all eternity than to hear that...

    That or play them Happy Birthday Jesus. Rancid pork omelet, here I come!

  • At 7:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wind Beneath My Wings.

  • At 8:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Anything by Michael Bolton.

  • At 8:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The Barking Dog version of "Jingle Bells."

    "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison.

    "Turn the Page" by Bob Seeger. I don't care what anyone says.

    Bruce Springsteen's version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."

    "Brand New Key" by Melanie.

  • At 10:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Now, I like R.E.M., and I realize I will probably take some crap for that. I also don't mind this song very much, although it isn't one of my favorites. However, I would play "Shiny, Happy People" for the pure irony.

    Other songs:

    "Wild Thing" by Ton Loc.
    "I Know What Boys Like" by The Waitresses.
    "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" by Great White.

    Everyone in Hell would also be forced to attend Hellapalooza a concert series featuring Warrant, Vanilla Ice, New Kids on the Block, and Mariah Carey.

    I am envisioning a compilation of all of the music here in a special K-Tel CD collection called "Sounds of Hell." Yours for only $19.95, plus shipping and handling.

  • At 10:17 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Wow. What a putrid list of songs to wake up to! It isn't often I shudder while drinking coffee.

    But Futuresis, HOW will I ever forgive you for including the Singing Dogs doing "Jingle Bells?" Not only do I own that, but I have a CD of cats called "Meowy Christmas."

    I am shunning you.

  • At 10:19 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Steve, "Achy-Breaky" heart done by Steve Perry would be painful.

    Carin, Richard Cheese is probably on Satan's own IPOD. Er, HELL-POD.

  • At 10:21 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dana, and the worst part about that "Greatest Love" crap by Whitney Houston is that it spawned so many horrible amateurs into singing it while walking through stores, absentmindedly sharing their "gift" with the world.

    Children are the future. I could hurl right now.

  • At 10:23 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, All those comments and the times you wrote them tell me that your brain has been conjuring new horrors all morning. Heh.

    P.S. Also Tone Loc's "Funky Cold Medina."

    And Marie Osmond's "Paper Roses"

    My most horrific song of all time: That Singing Nun from the 60s who sang "Dominique" etc.

  • At 11:11 AM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    "The Macarena"

    "Endless Love"

    Anything by Barry Manilow.

  • At 11:12 AM, Blogger EB said…

    The Boy Band Mix

    "Hangin' Tough" by NKOTB
    "MMM Bop" by Hanson
    "Bye Bye Bye" by 'NSYNC
    "I Want it That Way" (yep) by Backstreet Boys
    and let's not forget
    "I Do" by 98 Degrees.

    Of course, dance moves would also be required every time "Hangin' Tough" or "Bye Bye Bye" played.

    Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.

  • At 11:12 AM, Blogger Norma said…

    How about Dan Hill's Sometimes when we touch. Alexey and I seem to go mad when the song is just mentioned

  • At 11:13 AM, Blogger EB said…

    Oh, and Whitney Houston's version of "I Will Always Love You"

  • At 11:20 AM, Blogger Domhan said…

    Satan's iPod Favorites List:

    Zamfir's Greatest Hit
    Slim Whitman sings/yodels/erupts with stuff
    Anything originally performed on the Lawrence Welk show
    Tiny Tim and his Uke of death
    Pat Boone
    Chinese opera
    Mr. Spock/Leonard Nimoy singing "If I Had a Hammer"
    ...and of course, William Shatner's album, The Transformed Man

    I would rather shove myself in the path of a rampaging herd of camels than listen to Celine Dion singing anything, so she goes on my "Hell List." I probably should never have put that in print. Every album she's ever done will be there waiting for me with the best set of headphones hell can provide.

  • At 11:23 AM, Blogger Domhan said…

    No, wait. I'd rather listen to Vogon poetry than Celine Dion. Being trampled by a herd of rampaging camels doesn't do my feelings justice.

  • At 11:26 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    You leave Barry Manilow OUTTA this, PB. I officially throw my protective cloak over him.

  • At 11:27 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Norma, I have Dan Hill's album. Shall I sent it to you as is, or wrap it first?

    DOMHAN, you've just been redundant. Celine Dion IS the devil. Duh.

  • At 11:28 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    WHAT is Vogon poetry???

  • At 11:29 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    EB, I've seen the uncontrollable way your pelvis twitches any time Justin Timberlake is mentioned.

    Or Lance Bass. Which is really sad.

  • At 11:30 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Domhan, Also, I believe Celine Dion would accompany her singing with an accordian. No! A ZITHER!!!

  • At 11:31 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Steve B, Thanks for ruining my day with your evil spell. Guess which song came on the radio while I was in the shower? "Open Arms."

  • At 12:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You know, when I was a kid, my mom was in a carpool with another mom in the neighborhood. The other mom always played "Journey's Greatest Hits" for the car ride. I remember that everytime "Open Arms" came on, I always thought he was singing, "So heeeere I ammmmm, with noooothing oooon....." I always thought that was a little bit forward.

    Oh yeah. And if Dana hadn't mentioned "The Greatest Love of All," that would have been #1 on my list. Candy, you are so right about it being the song that every amateur chooses to sing with all of the emotion they can muster. Exactly why I don't watch shows like "American Idol."

    Sorry about the barking dogs thing. I'm not trying to be insulting. We have a CD of "The Twelve Dogs of Christmas." Really, we do. And I am sure that "Meowy Christmas" is cute as well. But could you listen to it, over and over, combined with these other tunes, for eternity?

  • At 12:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


  • At 12:12 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    Vogon poetry? From The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? Am I geekier than thou?

    Oh, and I have a CD called Hollerin'. No lie. And that's all it is: people hollerin' at some hollerin' contest in the Appalachians. People hollerin' for other people to come and eat dinner. People hollerin' at the hogs for hog sloppin' time. Wives hollerin' at their husbands.

    It's a whoppin' good time, and I'm sure I'll hear that when Satan gets tired of hearing herself sing (you know, that Titanic song).

  • At 12:12 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Yes, I COULD listen to those cats for all eternity. Anyone with ANY taste could.

    And after that first comment, it was hilarious just to see the word:


  • At 12:13 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    How could I have forgotten Vogon poetry. I read that book half-baked too long ago to know what was in it.

    HOLLERIN!???? I must have it.

    Must go write a letter to Santa.

  • At 12:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The hits just keep coming to me.

    "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys.

  • At 12:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "Broken Wings" by Mister Mister.

  • At 12:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Don't forget to add Jessica Simpson's body...of work to the playlist.

    And I bet the souls of the damned would stage a mutiny if Satan played "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes. They'd use Hitler as a battering ram to bust through Hell's fire exit.

  • At 12:36 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    I nominate "My Humps," by the Black Eyed Peas. Not only is it styoopid and evil, it gets stuck in your head until you want to take an icepick to your own cranium just to let out the evil.

  • At 1:03 PM, Blogger mgm said…

    Barking dogs! Yes, absolutely in hell. And Candy, I love Barry Manilow, too, but "I Write the Songs" is totally on Hell's DJ list.

    Here are my contributions:

    Anything by Rod Stewart. God, I hate Rod Stewart.

    I Want To Know What Love Is - Foreigner

    Love Will Keep Us Together - Captain and Tennille

    Physical - Olivia Newton-John

    Milli Vanilli

    Celine Dion

    I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd

    Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex

    Puppy Love - Donny Osmond

    Pink Cadillac - Natalie Cole
    Lady - Kenny Rogers

    We've Only Just Begun - The Carpenters

    Barbie Girl - Aqua

    And, a song from my own personal hell,

    Afternoon Delight - Starland Vocal Band

    My mother claims I was , oh dear god (!), an . . . Oh God, I can't even think it . . .

  • At 1:04 PM, Blogger EB said…

    Oooo mel. . . worse that the humps song is Fergie's "London Bridge," which is both mind-invading and a really, really bad metaphor.

  • At 1:05 PM, Blogger EB said…

    I will turn all of this into a Rhapsody playlist. It will be fantastic.

  • At 1:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "Candle in the Wind" by Elton John.

    "Mony, Mony" by Tommy James and the Shondelles or Billy Idol.

    "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mixalot.

    "Keep Your Hands to Yourself" by Georgia Satellites.

    "Old Time Rock N' Roll" by Bob Seeger.

    "Like a Virgin" by Madonna.

    I can't stop myself now. Every song that I hate just keeps coming to mind. And I see here that many more that I hate are also hated by others. And I know there must be many more of that hate these songs. So why do they still keep getting played so much?

  • At 1:49 PM, Blogger mom said…

    I was going to say Mony Mony, but since the world's most annoying song was spoken for how about...

    It's Gettin' Hot in Here
    Hot, Hot, Hot
    The Heat is On
    Steam Heat

    And from the Avenue Q soundtrack, "It sucks to be me"

  • At 2:32 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    Hhhhmmm. I can't be the ONLY one that hates "The Sound of Music". Right? HA.
    AND: "So long, Farewell"!!!! AGHHH. I personally hate THAT one because our IT Tech sings it to me EVERY day at 5 pm... Wait, maybe I AM in hell already... LOL. Oh, yeah, and "Zippidy Do Dah." UGH. wow. Now I REALLY gave myself the willies. = ]

  • At 4:58 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    These lists are farging hilarious. It's like when your brain lands on ONE piece of crap, there is an entire pasture filled with fly-covered shit-pies that want to jump in and be counted.

    I just finished a brutal 90 minute lecture/bitchslapping to get my students to stop writing pus-filled, stupidity-infested papers.
    Thank God I had all these horrific songs to read about afterward.

  • At 4:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "She's Like the Wind" by Patrick Swayze.


    I must confess that I like "The Sound of Music." But as much as I like the movie, the songs have a tendency to drive me insane. Kind of like songs from "Grease."

  • At 5:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    I will burn a CD of all of these songs and you can force your students to listen to them if they don't start writing better.

  • At 5:08 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, The CD would be nice. But even better: bring Patrick Swayze to my class. In his vest with no shirt under it.

  • At 5:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    And then show a Dirty Dancing marathon.

    Your classroom would look like a room from the Branch Davidian compound.

  • At 5:21 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Hmmmm. Notice how Patrick Swayze and David Koresh were NEVER in the same place?

    Coincidence? You tell me.

  • At 6:08 PM, Blogger participant-observer said…

    I have long believed that the music playing in Abercrombie and Fitch is the soundtrack to Hell.

  • At 6:51 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    That isn't music playing. It's the sound of the flames of hellfire crackling.

  • At 7:37 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    THIS is what plays in hell, day and night:

  • At 7:43 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…


  • At 7:44 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dear Heloise:

    Can you please tell me how to remove hurl from a monitor?

  • At 7:50 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    And this is what we wear in hell:

    doggone it. I wish I could use the html tags to link directly.

  • At 7:52 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    Candy help me. Help me be funny. My funny isn't funny without the direct link. It's merely bothersome.

  • At 7:57 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I'm too styoopid to know how to put the link here, but Scott is on his way home and I can beg him for help.

    This is definitely worth the copy and paste to the address bar. It looks like Elton John's closet got an enema.

  • At 8:01 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    I can't help it.

  • At 8:07 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    Spin disco ball of hell! Spin like the wind!

  • At 8:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh. My. Gosh. I never noticed that about David Koresh and Patrick Swayze until you mentioned it. But I think you may be on to something. Yes, I think so.

    So, I went to my book club tonight, and the whole time, this is what is going through my head:

    Meowy Christmas


    Long, Long, Eternally Long Afternoons with Kenny G

    Hitler as a battering ram

    Satan's iPod

    Celine Dion with a zither

    It was so hard to not laugh everytime one of the things from this thread entered my head. I knew that I could not risk it, however, as I would never be able to begin to explain it.

    Oh yeah. And every time I hear Rod Stewart sing, "If ya want my booody, and ya think I'm seeexy, come on baby tell me so...." I think. "NO! NO! Stop! You're making a damn fool of yourself! Have you looked in a mirror lately? Have you heard yourself sing? NOBODY wants your body! NOBODY thinks you're sexy!" I am so glad that I am not the only person who hates Rod Stewart's "music." Thank you, Mad Grad.

  • At 9:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Delete this if it doesn't work, it's Ana's links:

    You Tube

    Finland Song Contest


  • At 10:04 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Here's the You Tube one to copy and paste. The link didn't work.

  • At 11:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Burn, Baby, Burn

  • At 1:05 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    HOW did we miss that one yesterday???

    It even has "inferno" in the title.

    How embarrassing.

  • At 3:30 PM, Blogger Lisa Dunick said…

    definitely Ace of Base- I saw the sign.

  • At 3:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    No debate here--it's got to be Georgia Gibbs, "Kiss of Fire." OK, laugh all you want to--there was some good stuff back during the Eisenhower administration.

  • At 4:34 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    LD, I was just one step away from Ace of Base today. I heard a song I thought was them, but it was "Obsession" by Animotion. AGGGH.

    Tony, though you pretend to be unhip, I happen to know you are one of the hippest people in these United States.

  • At 4:57 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    Oooohhh, no, no, no. You found my weakness. I LOVE "Obsession". Yes, you're talking to a child of the 80's alternative -- sentimental attachments. = ]

    Oh, but you are BRILLIANT. You're really onto something with that Patrick Swayze/David Koresh conspiracy theory. Quite a revelation.

    futuresis: I TOtally agree with you on the "she's like the wind". OMG. I can never turn the radio off fast enough when that starts playing...

    LOL -- this is the most shiver inducing then laugh-the-fat right out of your cellulite post EVER! It's almost like whiplash from a car accident except it's addicting. = ]

  • At 5:03 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Citlali...I'm a child of the 70s, but I STILL love Animotion. I have their CD.
    But then again, I also have Jermaine Jackson's CD.

    [hangs head in shame]

    I also love Human League, Flock of Seagulls, and LOVE LOVE LOVE Soft Cell.

    There. I said it.

  • At 5:07 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Oh, and since I'm baring my soul, I also like "Take On Me" by Aha.

  • At 3:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    One of my first two cassettes was Aha. The other one that I received with it was Starship. I really hate "We Built This City" now. But I still like "Take On Me." And I used to LOVE that video!

    Candy, don't hang your head in shame. If you only knew how many of the albums or singles or even CDs I have owned (and might still....not sure where all of my CDs are) that have been mentioned here, you would look at me in horror. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. But I supposed that at least I'll have a good start on my collection for when I am Hell's DJ.


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