Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Bacon Socks

Because my husband is a fancy-schmancy culinary school graduate, it pains him to actually cook meat. His own thick steaks are so quickly rushed over the grill that instead of yelping in pain they blink in confusion: "What was that? Did I feel something? I thought I felt something."

His "seared" tuna is kept so far from the flame that he finally put a halt to the whole charade and now simply walks sheepishly over to the platter of tuna and describes the flame to it as it cringes in its fishy oils.

Last night, we went to a Japanese resturant with another couple, and I watched Scott eat the most vile of sushi: raw eel. He was eating the flesh of a snake that lives in the ocean, zigging and zagging back and forth among the startled sea anemones like a slimy gray ribbon in a sweet gingham quilt.

Thus, it is great gratitude that I feel when he exits his comfort zone and cooks meat the only way I can eat it: Burned beyond recognition. On the very rare occasion that I eat a hamburger, once a year or so, it must be reduced to a flat black coaster that falls to pieces when I bite into it. Chicken? Cooked on the grill until it is dry enough to soak up any three of the Great Lakes.

And then there's bacon. Our Sunday morning ritual of pancakes and bacon is time consuming. Scott slow-cooks the pig flesh in the oven forEVER and when he is finished, what is on my plate looks more like The Shroud of Bacon than the actual meat. Which is just how I like it. The only way I like it, in fact. When he burns it more than usual, like today, he says "Don't eat the end of's pure ash." And I bite into it, and it crumbles into a delicious heap of black swine dust.

Just before my last few bites today, I saw the vision. Socks.


  • At 11:01 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    I'm thinking this is a midwestern thing--my husband is from Missouri and has a real problem with a nice rare steak, raw oysters, sushi of any variety and seafood in general, unless it's breaded and cooked to a crisp. The bacon thing, too--and now he's got me on the same boat. I used to like my bacon nice and pliable, but not anymore. I been converted!

  • At 7:23 AM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    what is this cooking thing of which you speak?

    and eel isn't bad sushi, sea urchin roe is. I'm told it tastes like spooey. I just know it tastes bad, bad, bad.

  • At 7:36 AM, Blogger Gail said…

    Just the way I like it. Burnt to a crisp.

  • At 7:53 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Mel, A midwestern thing??? Or maybe just a CIVILIZED thing. :)

    PB, Sea urchin roe just sounds bad. There is no way to pretty that up.

    At last, Gail comes along and shows some sanity.

  • At 9:06 AM, Blogger Jerry said…

    Burnt meat has a load of carcinogens, while raw meat, particularly sea food can kill you with virulent bacteria.

    Every year, hundred of Americans die from eating raw or poorly handled food.

    On a brighter note, I really liked this piece Candy. It had rich and evocative connotations. From the personification of grilled meat to rewarding sentences like, "He was eating the flesh of a snake that lives in the ocean, zigging and zagging back and forth among the startled sea anemones like a slimy gray ribbon in a sweet gingham quilt."

    Beautiful. I would give anything to be able to write a sentence like that. To me, it is a great achievement to be able to represent reality in words, in this way. It would take too long to discuss everything that was expressive and communicative about this short post, but I think it shows clearly that you have some real talent.

    I can't help but imagine that if you set aside the time and are sufficiently motivated, that you could turn out a book of value.

  • At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Jerry, meats cured with nitrates are especially prone to developing nitrosamines, which can be carcinogenic cooked at high temperatures. Nitrites are 4-5 times safer. Nitrosamines are found throughout the meat, but especially in fat, which is why I like to cook bacon at low temperatures until it's rendered out. The bacon we buy, btw, is cured with nitrites.

    Candy's bacon gets extra treatment in the toaster oven until it comes out of the broiler looking nearly as bad as Keith Richards.

  • At 10:43 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, it amazes me how blind you are to your own writing. Which is great. Why would I keep coming to your blog if you didn't have talent? Huh? But thanks for the kind words.

    Scott hasn't tried to kill me with the bacon yet, at least not the burned-ness of it. Maybe with the quantity. I sneak a lot under the table to the cat. Who is, oddly, starting to look like Keith Richards.

  • At 11:13 AM, Blogger EB said…

    I see the socks, but my most recent drug trip has me thinking those bacon pieces look like moose profiles.

  • At 11:28 AM, Blogger Jerry said…

    I did not know the distinction between nitrates and nitrites. I had also heard that the surface of steak that is cooked on a grill or in a skillet formed carcinogens.

    I wonder how a filet taste if you bake it?

  • At 11:30 AM, Blogger Jerry said…

    That bacon looks like either 2 socks or a scene from the movie Borat.

  • At 11:51 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    I think I actually had a pair of socks that(which?) looked like those, once. I think it was after coming back from a mud run in Kentucky. All that red clay mud.

    Never thought to throw them in the oven and have them as an hors de voures.

    Next time.

  • At 12:05 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    EB, moose profiles. You are high. As usual.

  • At 12:35 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, I haven't seen Borat but I know what you're talking about. Heh.

    Steve, How dare you waste that great KY clay! You coulda had a masterpiece.

  • At 2:55 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    "...looking like Keith Richards..."


  • At 3:10 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Yeah, quite an insult to the bacon, ain't it?

  • At 3:34 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    There is a phenomenon in middle Georgia called, "geophagia." Pregnant black women tend to crave and eat kaolin, a type of clay.

    Kaolin is used in ceramics, medicine, coated paper, as a food additive, in toothpaste, as a light diffusing material in white incandescent light bulbs, and in cosmetics. The largest use is in the production of paper, including ensuring the gloss on some grades of paper.

    Although I don't think red clay is all that tasty, it may be an undiscovered delicacy when used as a coating for socks. Bon Appetite.

  • At 5:58 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I've heard of that! But I didn't know it had an actual name.

    Bacon socks, clay socks. All good eatin.

  • At 7:01 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    Here's the plan: get enough of a following here at Candy Rant and start putting this up on eBay.

    It's Linus Pauling. Clearly the face of Linus Pauling is in this here bowl of congealed oatmeal. Postage not included. You want Linus, you pay.

  • At 7:43 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    It may be Linus Pauling to you, but it's Moms Mabley to me.

  • At 4:55 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    I was laughing SO hard at the thought of blinking, talking meat:

    ...instead of yelping in pain they blink in confusion: "What was that? Did I feel something? I thought I felt something."

    blinking, confused meat. LMAO!!!! Wow, priceless. = ]

  • At 7:00 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Sure! Go ahead and laugh at the expense of that poor rare steak. I'll bet it was named Flossie. Now don't you feel awful? HUH? :)


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