Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Thursday, September 06, 2007

The Universe Spoke. I Listened.

Here we all are, wishing life was at least as easy to figure out as the Sudoku puzzle labelled "Easy" in the American Airlines magazine. Which is not all that easy, by the way. I would be in favor of one labelled "You Fell on Your Head Really Hard, Didn't You?"

Thus, when I am looking for direction from above, a hint as to which path my earthbound feet should follow, I am thrilled when a sign bursts forward and guides me to the light.

Case in point: In the family room at the back of the house, there is no room for a family. Not even a tiny nuclear family, like Scott, me, and Hankie, our 19 year old cat. Why? Because when the movers brought in my belongings, the pile of boxes was 7 feet high and took up almost the entire room. Even Scott's couch near the fireplace had to be stood on end. And this pile doesn't count the stuff carried to the bedrooms.

After clearing out a dozen or so boxes, I thought I could distract Scott from the rest by sweeping the floor where I'd unpacked. I would purty up the piece of floor the size of an ice cube tray. Because that would certainly make him forget that an entire room of his house had been slurped up by the Box Ness Monster. This would end those nightmares of Scott's, the ones where he has been sucked into a big lava lamp and is fighting off boxes like nautical bumper cars in the gelatinous orange fluid.

I got out the vacuum cleaner. But as I turned it on, I noticed this mysterious little face at my feet. "Do not sweep me," it said. And of course I couldn't. Not that day. Because the universe had spoken.

I call him Linty. He and Lizzie, my poor dead pet lizard, would have been great friends. They would perhaps have dated. "Lizzie," he would have said, "would you honor me with your charming desiccated presence at dinner?" If I hadn't eventually sucked his face to pieces with the Hoover Roundabout, that is.


  • At 8:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I like to think that his left eye has a Colonel Klink-style monocle.

  • At 9:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Is there any way you could spray a clear-coated adhesive over Linty and remove that section of floor? I'm serious. I'm sure you could find some gallery that would be willing to sell him for you. You'd fetch a pretty penny, I'm sure.

    I think the universe was telling you that you have a new calling in dust bunny art.

    Actually, come to think of it, if Lizzie is still around, you could shellack her and mount her on a piece of driftwood....cha-ching!

  • At 9:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I just realized that as I changed the sentence and removed the -ed from "shellacked," I should have also removed the k. Sorry. I blame that kick in the head from the horse.

  • At 9:57 AM, Blogger Jerry said…

    Box Ness Monster, very funny. Who moved you guys. The moving guys always scare me. Too many tattoos and they all look like they are on work-release.

    Never want to unpack do you? I have friends who have moved and left most of the boxes packed for over 10 year. They discovered they could live without whatever was in them.

    The dead and dessicated seems to be a theme in your recent mental meanderings. What's up with that? Are your students reading Hamlet or Macbeth?

    Maybe as futuresis is saying, your are searching for your muse and it may be in forensics. Lacquered dead stuff...hmmmmm...its possible.

  • At 11:52 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Scott, I do think I heard Linty say "Ho-gaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!'

    Futuresis, why didn't I think of that? I could maybe even have gotten away with secluding Linty with a section of velvet rope and charging admission, claiming it as another Virgin Mary sighting. Damn.

    Also, please do not mention "mounting Lizzie." Because that was the entire reason I had to sweep up Linty.

  • At 11:59 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, we used something called They rent space from UPS and put all your stuff in the FRONT of a UPS semi, then you board it off, and then they fill the rest with UPS packages. It sounds like I'm making it up, but I'm not. We had hired guys loading and unloading the truck on either end (except for the really really difficult second half of loading as we packed). One guy who unloaded us here was very bizarre. Invited us to his roll-on-the-floor church and made horrible jokes the whole time. Like this one: He picked up a 60 pound rock of mine, blue fluorite, and banged it on the cement patio, and said "What's this?" I said "It's a rock." Bang bang bang. "No," he said, what's THIS?" (This went on 4 times.) Finally he said "IT's ROCK MUSIC!"

    Oh, and the preoccupation with death is fully the result of finding the poor deceased Lizzie. That and, honestly, I think being yanked away from all the familiar stuff in my life has turned up the old mortality radar. Upheaval has a way of doing that.

  • At 1:08 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    work release, yeah. been there. NO, not ON work release... My Sweet once had those kind of guys inadvertently contracted to help with a remodel at his previous job. It was very disturbing.

    Hey, if you need another good dust-bunnie I can sell you one cheap... We get some so big that we call them dust-jack rabbits. Get it? Yeah, this one time we "accidentally" left the ceiling fan alone for so long that on one occasion the dust globs just let lose from the sheer weight. They started hurling themselves around the room at us like really big new baby spiders casting off the ceiling. AND this actually did happen to me recently -- the spider thing-- so I know what I'm talking about. Anyway, if you feel you have to have one of these gems just send your order via commentary and I'll scrape one up for ya and send it ups. = ]

    ps: you can call it whatever you want.

  • At 1:11 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Thank God I've got a source for dust jack rabbits! Now my art career can finally start!

    "They started hurling themselves around the room at us like really big new baby spiders casting off the ceiling."


  • At 1:25 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    lol. Really truly... It horrified the cats. That made it just all the more hilarious. (We're slightly sadistic at times...) = ]

  • At 9:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Rock music. Seriously?

  • At 9:57 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Yes. Really. I had to drown him.

  • At 12:32 PM, Blogger Clyde said…

    You should have told the mover your joke about the pedophile & the kid walking into the wouldn't have had to endure any more jokes from him....maybe a few "is this lady for real" looks, but no more jokes

  • At 4:16 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    Did you know that if you reverse Candy Rant, you come out with Randy Cant? I don't know what that means but it seems to describe the life of men over 60 pretty well.

  • At 4:21 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Well maybe I *did* know that. And maybe my entire blog is a thinly veiled barb at poor Randy, the boy who left me frustrated at the after-prom party. Who probably took off to find the thinly veiled Barb.

    But no, I didn't know that. But I like it.

  • At 4:51 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    At least you went to the prom!a

  • At 4:53 PM, Blogger Jerry said…


    Been meaning to ask--what's with the security stuff on your comments section. Did you have trouble with spam or what?

    Is it something I should be doing--in case someone other than you or Gail should read my blog.

  • At 6:20 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…


    The security code thingy just comes with blogger, I think. I didn't add it myself. Even with that, a couple of spammers have gotten through. Is that what you're talking about?

    And yes, I did go to the prom. Still trying to forget it. :)

  • At 9:22 AM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    You know Candy, when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.

    When life sticks you in the desert where the only thing that grows is Agave, you make your own craft distilled tequila and go on a bender for the rest of your life.

  • At 7:35 AM, Blogger Citlali said…

    omg, I'm SO glad I read this again. It's EFFING hilarious. wow.

    k, but you're not gonna believe HOW I ended up on your blog again. You're just not, 'cause I don't.

    For whatever reason the "search within emails" search in my yahoo account brought up an old "new blog entry" email found in my ridiculously long list of not-deletable-but-neglected emails in my inbox.

    WHAT was I searching for? "Oil pulling". Yes. You'll have to look it up. It's this new ayurvedic detox thing I want to try. HOW your blog came up as the only results in my search? I don't know.

    Is THAT not weird, or what?!

    I'm glad it happened so it's all good...

    xo = ]

    ps: that makes me realize that the notifications of new blog entries has somehow been deactivated. I must fix that now.


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