Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Pleased to Meme You

I don't think I've ever done a "meme." But since I got tagged by my pal E.B., and because teaching sucked every drop of energy out of me today, I'll just have myself a nice, tall, cool glass of meme.

Here goes.

Four Jobs I've Had in Life (as opposed to the ones I've had in death?)

1. Bookstore Owner. The store lasted 2 years. Then went belly up. Oddly, right around the same time Barnes & Noble and Borders came to town. I wonder if that was a coincidence?

2. Record Store Manager. Yes, records. Those big flat things that we old people still own, because you rotten kids and your newfangled I-PADs and portable juke boxes and sassiness and general disrespect of authority make us need such things to beat you over the head with. Get out of my yard!

3. Candy Striper (volunteer job) at my hometown hospital. Age 15. This lasted for one 2-hour "shift." My mom had spent 6 dollars on a used candy striper outfit for poor Candy, who was too freaked out by the hospital to ever go back. Did you know there are sick people there?

4. Donut Maker. This job lasted for 90 minutes. Someday I will tell the horrid story. Not today.

Four Places I've Lived

1. Lafayette, Indiana. Home of the Boilermakers. For grad school.

2. Indianapolis, Indiana. One big farm town. It takes 30 minutes to get anywhere, and then you aren't anywhere anyway.

3. Paris, for 6 months, with a horrible person that I happened to be married to. I hated everything about it. Except for the art. One gazillion museums full of it. Unfortunately my spouse was full of it too. So I hacked him up and threw him, bit by bit, into the Seine. That is why it smells bad to this day.

4. Phoenix. Heat, sand, illegals, lizards, sports teams, rotten drivers, scorpions, dying grass. And that's inside the house.

Four Favorite Foods

1. King crab. Even though it's sort of like eating the legs off a big ocean spider, and it's very hard to crack, I like it.

2. Extremely thin-crust cheese pizza with lemon juice squeezed over it.

3. Chocolate. Chocolate is very nice. I can eat it and not go overboard at all. It is not addictive like a street drug. There is no one forcing me to write this. These are my own words. I don't need to eat chocolate or feel that if I don't have chocolate, I will suck out the lungs of every passer-by with a custom made nuclear-powered Bissell. Also, during PMS, chocolate does not call to me like the coke spoon called to Richard Pryor: "Come to me. Right over here. I own you, bitch." That would be ridiculous.

4. Pepsi. The best drink in the universe. Scott and I almost didn't get married because he likes Coke and thinks that Pepsi tastes flat and too sweet. The reverse is true. Pepsi is fizzy and perfect and as it's going down your throat you can see all the way to the core of the earth. Coke tastes like Pepsi that's been opened, diluted with water, and poured over the moldy, decomposing carcass of a mole-rat that has just eaten a piece of red velvet cake.

Four Places I'd Rather Be

If Scott were home from work already, these answers would be very hard to come by.

1. Popping in to see my mom and dad, for the nightly viewing of "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy."

2. Seeing my pals back home, over dinner, drinks, gossip, anything.

3. Purchasing a magic machine that would make my parents 30 years younger.

4. Sitting on the steps of the English Building back home, watching the activity on the Quad. The geeky groups that try to walk a tightrope tied between 2 trees, the frisbee geeks, the crazy preacher and his hecklers.

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over

I almost never watch something twice. I never read a book twice either. But here are the movies I've watched more than once because I couldn't help it:

1. Blazing Saddles Best line in movie history: "We gotta go back and get us a shitload o' dimes."

2. Castaway It's gorgeous, it's about isolation, it's mind bending. And Tom Hanks goes from a chunky guy to a stick and does creative things with ice skate blades.

3. Team America Puppet sex.

4. Limbo Saw it at an art-movie place. Loved it. Bought it. Made Scott watch it and he wanted to strangle me when it was over. Rent it and see why.

Four TV Shows I Like to Watch:

1. "Lost"

2. "24" Although last season it blew. And Janine Garafalo makes me hurl, and they're adding her this season. So I may take up knitting. Or poodle fighting. Or knitting during poodle fights. Which are very prissy and done mostly with powderpuffs.

3. "House"

4. "Big Brother" Yes, it's a stupid, pointless reality show with lots of backbiting and fighting and conniving. Just like life. And I blame Teresa for getting me started on it. I wanted to see what she liked about it. And then I was hooked like a big fat marlin on a nice juicy worm.

Four Websites I View Daily:

1. All the ones listed on my blogroll

2. The Superficial Because skewering celebrities is a spectator sport.

3. World peace and an end to all hunger.

4. Oh, wait, I thought this was the question and answer segment of Miss USA.

Four People to Tag:

1. Jerry
2. Futuresis
3. Belle
4. Me in 25 years


  • At 7:44 AM, Blogger mgm said…

    Pizza with lemon juice? Candy, that's very interesting. I might have to try that just to see . . .

  • At 9:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I LOVED reading this and I am still laughing!!!!

    I'll be back later....

  • At 9:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh yeah....and I first misread "Candy Striper" as "Candy Stripper." And seeing as how you were to list jobs you've HAD, I was about to correct you and let you know that you weren't supposed to list your current evening job!

    I am not sure that I could have been a Candy Striper either. And there's only one Candy Stripper.

    Oh yeah, and you're right. Nobody can really be addicted to chocolate. Not at all. That would be insane. Right? I'm certainly not. Not one bit.

  • At 9:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm so out of it with this stuff. I am so excited that you 'tagged' me but what does it mean??

  • At 11:05 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis is a liar. She is addicted to chocolate. One after another intervention has failed. She sits in the alleyway with a Snickers bar in a wrinkled paper bag.

    Belle, you're not out of it. It just hip interweb talk. If you're "tagged" with a meme, it's just an invitation to fill it out with your own answers. Since you don't have a blog, you could do it in my comment section. Or you can blow it off, or even just do part of it, like just the movie question, for example.

    These invitations are NOT legally binding. I've been tagged before and ignored it. So feel free to answer or ignore.

    But if you mention styrofoam again, I will have to come to Fort Wayne and bring a huge tarp and bite my way all around the edge of it.

  • At 11:06 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Oops...Belle mentioned styrofoam in the previous post. This is her secret weapon against poor Candy.

  • At 11:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i'm with futuresis ... i thought is said candy stipper, and i was so excited i almost pissed myself ...

  • At 11:23 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    You people are absolutely deranged. Candy stripping. Duh. I quit stripping SIX WEEKS ago!

    When they closed down the Nekkid Hag Club.

  • At 11:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "Tagged with a meme?" You kids! I remember we has a lot of funny slang when we were working the dials on our crystal sets. (Once I brought in Pittsburgh!)

    Incidentally, Candy, do you hppen to have a picture of yourself, age 15, in your Candy Stripers outfit? IT'S NOT FOR ME! It's for my friend ... um ... Humbert Humbert. He's putting together a scrapbook on teenage service organizations.
    T from the B

  • At 12:20 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    "Candy, who was too freaked out by the hospital to ever go back. Did you know there are sick people there?"

    You have no idea, I had to give Correta Scott King's brother and enema. Humility is made of such stuff as that.

    "Lafayette, Indiana. Home of the Boilermakers. For grad school."

    Been there. Bought a book in an off campus store. Still have it.

    "So I hacked him up and threw him, bit by bit, into the Seine. That is why it smells bad to this day."

    I bet you really didn't, but I bet he really deserved it.

    "Phoenix. Heat, sand, illegals, lizards, sports teams, rotten drivers, scorpions, dying grass. And that's inside the house."

    A friend of mine saw a spider in his house in Tampa that was so big his dog ran away from it. Warm climates equal big bugs.

    "Also, during PMS, chocolate does not call to me like the coke spoon called to Richard Pryor: "Come to me. Right over here. I own you, bitch." That would be ridiculous."

    That's what I'm sain all up in here.

    "Coke tastes like Pepsi that's been opened, diluted with water, and poured over the moldy, decomposing carcass of a mole-rat that has just eaten a piece of red velvet cake."

    It was better back when it had real cocaine in it.

    "Castaway It's gorgeous, it's about isolation, it's mind bending. And Tom Hanks goes from a chunky guy to a stick and does creative things with ice skate blades."

    Movies about solitude are curiously compelling.

    And about your comment on my blog about my living large, you have no idea...

    Been married 5 times (not including a Delta flight attendant I lived with for over 5 years), owned over 50 cars, flown over 4 million miles and have trained over 30,000 managers and supervisors in how to positively reinforce their subordinates.

    I am non-theistic, but one of my best friends is a Methodist minister. I've lost everything several times and slept on the floor of a friends house. I've gone without lunch at work because I had no money.

    I'm not bragging, I just think that people are interesting because there is so much beneath the surface we never see because most people are so uncomfortable being honest about themselves. They are afraid that they will be abandoned if anyone knew how frenetic, inconsistent, stupid, and immature they have been.

  • At 12:54 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry! Reading that comment was like being Lucille Ball and having the cakes come down the conveyor belt faster than I can catch them!

    I was laughing until I cried about the spider big enough to make a dog run away. And then was just stunned to read about your life. You have lived large, homie. All up in there.

    But yes, I did cut the spouse up and toss him in the hoity Frenchie river. This is why my blog remains anonymous. I did, however, keep his cufflinks, which I used as earrings for an angry warthog in the south of France. And yes it was hard to find a warthog in the south of France.

    5 marriages. You are a warrior, my friend. Congratulations on surviving.

    My head is spinning with all this. And here I sit, 3 hours till I teach my second class, thinking philosophical thoughts instead of about grammar. And stuff.

  • At 12:57 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Tony, I hate to ask this, but would it be OK if I give the photo to YOU to pass along to your friend Humbert?

    I know it's an imposition.

    Oh, and please explain to Humbert that no, not every candy striper wore the black thigh high boots with the red and white striped smock. That was my own accessorizing choice.

  • At 1:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Thanks for the update on the hip talk. I'll think about commenting on some of these subjects.

    I'm not sure if a tarp would be made out of cloth. I don't have an issue with biting on plastic!!

    We want a blog on rubbing styrofoam! Trying to get you to come to Fort Wayne.

    It is not depressing here, Jerry!!! We love our gray winters! Remember this is Belle talking!

  • At 1:08 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Belle has a secret weapon. When I tortured her with the whole cloth-biting attack, she found out that I cannot BEAR to hear styrofoam squeaking. It makes my teeth fall out. I fall on the floor and writhe.

    Now that the secret is out, I must go back into the witness protection program. I will once again be an Asian man working at a Jiffy Lube in Des Moines.

  • At 1:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'll just do one.

    Four jobs I have had:

    1. ASCAP investigator-cool job where we went into bars and wrote down songs that the band was playing and turned them in for copyright infringement

    2. Church singer-got paid during college years for going to church and singing in the college choir. 10 bucks for going to church-couldn't beat that. Sometimes I was a little bit hung over from partying with Candy the night before.

    3. Library page-circa 1978-got paid for bringing up huge bound books of magazines for students doing research papers. This job is of course obsolete due to computers. Spent one of these library summers in the subbasement putting books in order. Perfect job for those of use who don't like the sun.

    3.5 Had to add one that Candy will not believe. I was a lifeguard for three summers. Those were the sun loving years of youth.

    4. Current job in a nursing home where I have spent 22 of my years. Obviously like it or I would have left long ago.

  • At 1:14 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, I would love to be at a party and use "I had to give Corretta Scott King's brother an enema" as my icebreaker.

    My usual one is, "I killed a rat with a stick once."

  • At 1:43 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Oh how far we can fall, Belle. From the glorious sub-basement to the sunny chair of a lifeguard. Tsk tsk.

    I had no idea you were a lifeguard. Or an ASCAP spy. How cool is that? Like a secret shopper job.

    Uh, and I recall that our hangovers were the fault of YOU and your music major friends. (hic)

  • At 2:16 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    Sorry Belle, as a deep south cold weather wussy, I generally give all northern cities a frigid review.

    From my perspective, it is not the weather as much as the social climate that distinguishes a city, and I thought the people in Ft. Wayne were extremely friendly.

    Candy, why don't you get Scott to fill out the meme? It would be interesting to compare your responses.

    And Candy, how about this for an ice breaker? I once sat beside Peter Bogdanovich and watched him direct a movie. Or, I once had drinks with Paul Hornung in a bar in Manhattan. Rod Gilbert was there also. Google them.

  • At 2:23 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Good thing I googled 'em. I ain't got no sports gnawledge. Especially not for football or hockey.

    Now basketball is an entirely different thing.

    I was going to ask Scott to do the meme, but wasn't sure he'd be interested. And it was hard to ask him because he keeps me in a small dungeon and tosses an occasional snack down my way. Usually beef jerky or hominy straight from the can.

    Maybe I can talk him into it.

  • At 2:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sadly, and perhaps blissfully, I have no meme-ory of anything I've done more than three hours ago.

    I sort of remember Pepsi tasting like Coke that was left in a rusted out rain gutter during a downpour, if that's helpful at all.

  • At 3:15 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    See? I knew he wouldn't do it.

    And no, Scott. Not helpful.

    Coke. Blecch.

  • At 3:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


  • At 4:42 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    I will say nothing derogatory about Scott. He is probably hiding from the CIA, like I am, and does not want to call attention to himself.

    On the other hand, he may think the whole meme thingy is queer and offputting.

    I am somewhat queer and offputting (not that there is anything wrong with that) so I cannot criticize him.

    If he is married to you, he must be cool. So I support his decisions and am reexamining my personal priorities.

  • At 5:25 PM, Blogger EB said…

    I can't believe you actually did this. I will have to see how far I can take my persuasive powers.

    In the meantime, I think you should come up with your own Candy-fied meme. Because you have nothing (and no one) better to do.

  • At 5:32 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    One Avid, If you'd seen the manner in which these donuts were made, you would never eat another donut. Or even be in the same room with one.

  • At 5:34 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry. You're right. If Scott is married to me, he MUST be cool. Cool, or tied up in my basement and not allowed to actually leave. Because then he would tell about me abducting him and forcing him to say vows. And we can't have that.

  • At 5:36 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    EB, don't you go gettin' a big head over your persuasive powers. Just because I will do your bidding doesn't mean I'm under your control. Oh. Yeah, that IS what that means.

    And you're right, I don't have anything better to do. Except for writing my manifesto. The mothership has demanded it.

  • At 7:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Four Jobs I've Had in Life (as opposed to the ones I've had in death?) I propose that we discuss four jobs we might have in death on the next meme.

    1. Teacher's aide at a Montessori school.

    2. Clerk at a book store.

    3. Assistant manager at a clothing store.

    4. Data entry for a company that processes rebates. For about two weeks. That was the point when I did the math and learned that I was making about $2.13 an hour.

    Four Places I've Lived

    1. Michigan

    2. Salt Lake City, UT

    3. Germany

    4. Various places in Arizona....doesn't matter which ones, they're all basically the same. Dry. Hot. Lots of big creepy crawly things that can kill you. But otherwise it's nice.

    Four Favorite Foods

    1. Because of the recent spinach recall, I will say "chocolate" for number 1. But chocolate is just a place holder until I feel that it is safe to eat spinach again.

    2. In light of the recent baby carrot recall, I will instead put "chocolate" as a place holder for number 2. But that doesn't mean that I hide in back alleyways inhaling Snickers bars and M&Ms....gosh, Candy, you see a person lick chocolate off of an old shoe in a dumpster one time and you're crying, "WE NEED AN INTERVENTION!" If produce were safer, I wouldn't have to sustain myself on chocolate. I'm not addicted. There just aren't any other safe foods available for consumption.

    3. Ribs with Survival Spice.

    4. Baked potatoes with butter, cheese, sour cream, bacon, and green onions. Of course, the skin is crispy and caked with kosher salt. Hey, I think that contains all the food groups, right?

    Four Places I'd Rather Be
    Since I really like where I am, I'll just list things that I would like to do sometime.

    1. Hanging out at the yarn store knitting. Stop laughing, Candy.

    2. On the shores of Lake Michigan with a good book.

    3. Visiting friends that live in other states.

    4. At the Grand Canyon. So, Arizona isn't ALL that bad.

    Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over

    1. Napoleon Dynamite--Flippin' sweet!

    2. Any of the Star Wars movies.

    3. Breakfast at Tiffany's

    4. Topper/Topper Returns

    Four TV Shows I Like to Watch:

    1. "PRISON BREAK"--the best show ever. This isn't just my opinion. It is a fact.

    2. "House"

    3. "The Office"

    4. "Standoff"

    Four Websites I View Daily:

    1. MSN--because it automatically pops up

    2. Candy Rant

    3. Are there other websites out there?


    Alright, there you have it. The whole awful truth about me.

    I really would like to see what kind of meme categories you could come up with, Candy. But please start with "Jobs I'll Have in Death."

  • At 10:51 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Um excuse me, Futuresis. It wasn't just any old shoe you licked the chocolate off of. It was a horseshoe. And the horse was still wearing it. And it wasn't chocolate. That's when I thought it MIGHT be time to intervene. When you started "seeing" chocolate everywhere.

  • At 9:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, it TASTED like chocolate. Are you sure it wasn't? I guess that explains that odd scar on my forehead....and the memory loss....I wondered how a dumpster could pack such a punch....

    Wait. What are we talking about again?

    Gotta go look under the seats in the minivan for stray M&Ms. I'll be back later.

  • At 9:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ok. It is time for 4 Favorite Foods:
    1. Sugar Babies
    2. Banana Laffy Taffy
    3. Red licorice
    4. Cow Tales (you will all be writing jokes about this but they are caramel candies!)

    This is why I read the Candyrant!!

  • At 11:43 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Oh I don't know, Futuresis, I think the horseshoe-on-the-forehead imprint is kind of Goth. Now just paint your fingernails black and listen to some Nine Inch Nails and you'll be there.

  • At 11:46 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Belle, I forgot Cow Tales existed. I love those! And I think they're first cousins to those caramel things with the white powdered sugary centers. Pure lard and sugar. Mmmmm. I must get some Cow Tales.

    I do remember eating plenty of Twizzlers in our dorm room. They're known, you know, to ward off the Monkey's Paw.

  • At 2:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mmmmm....banana Laffy Taffy. That's good stuff! I used to like getting that from the candy store when I was a kid, because I felt that I got a lot of bang for my buck (or quarter). It lasted forever!

    A Goth chick. Do you really think I could pull it off, Candy? I've never been a Goth chick. I am a bit concerned about what would that might do to my cheerleading career.

  • At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Here I go again (since everyone was so nice about the Cow Tales):

    Four Places I'd Rather Be-
    As I said yesterday, I like Fort Wayne so these would all be temporary places to be-
    1. Camarillo, CA-did an internship there 25 years ago and can't believe I have never been able to go back
    2. New York City-I have been there one day when we were on a family vacation. I was 8 years old and I don't remember much.
    3. Anywhere that you have to fly across an ocean to get to it. I can't believe I have never been to Europe or anywhere exotic. Too many kids and too little time and money as a result.
    4. Alone in a bathtub-nothing kinky-just time alone with a good paperback book that can get wet. I would read until the water got cold.

  • At 4:04 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Like, oh my gawd, Futuresis. What's more important than the cheer squad?

    Ready? OK!

  • At 4:06 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Belle, I remember when you were in California. I'd totally forgotten.

    If you do go somewhere exotic, and it's France, try to bring back a piece of my ex-husband. I'd like to ebay it.

    That bathtub scene sounds great. You could always get one of those plastic bath books with such enticing titles as "Bunny Finds a Carrot" and "Now I'm Four!"

    Heh. But knowing how fast you read, you could take on "War & Peace" and be done with it BEFORE the water got cold.

  • At 9:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    37 comments on one post. Is that a record? I would have to look at all of the others. I feel safe writing now since it is past the time when people look at it?

    I need your four favorite places to eat out at-not sure of right grammar on that one but it is ok-since no one is reading it but you!

  • At 9:52 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Hi Belle...This is funny. It's like we're meeting behind the schoolhouse for a smoke.

    Favorite places to eat? Hmmm.

    Anywhere with pizza.
    Anywhere with Mexican food.
    Anywhere with good desserts.
    I don't think I have a fourth. Except for, at the Cheesecake Factory they have these avocado eggrolls that I crave. I had them in Hawaii in 2004, and when I moved to Phoenix, there was a Cheesecake Factory here, and they're still on the menu. Mmmm.

    I'll sneak back out the way I came in now.

  • At 9:53 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    And yes, for me, 37 was a record, although lots of these comments are from me. So now it'll be an even 40. Ta-daaa!

  • At 9:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    41 now! Thanks. I will meet you at the ultimate back door of real e-mail.

  • At 10:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I need to say something to you that I can't say on here.

  • At 5:59 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    Well, that's it. I was all packed up and ready to fly to Phoenix to rip through those boxes in a flurry of efficiency and organization, but I can't do that on chocolate and Pepsi. It has to be chocolate and Coke. I'm not moving to Phoenix to unpack your boxes.

  • At 6:21 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 3:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    All the Coke you want, Ana. And barbecue by the wheelbarrow full.

  • At 12:15 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dear Ana,

    I will buy you all the Coke you want if you come here to organize me. But you will be a very old lady when you are done.



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