Resorting to the Old Stand-by

I had a really bad night last night. I hit what I hope is rock bottom inside some things I've been struggling with and, as it usually is down there, it was dark and very lonely. I was awake until 5 a.m. so we didn't make it to church today and now, past 7 in the evening, I still have my pajamas on.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess I think that blogs are made for honesty or else why bother?

There was no way I was going to gather enough of myself together today to write anything, so I did what I usually do when I'm really stuck, really done in: I cleaned. The bookshelf area (it was no longer just a bookshelf...it had expanded and taken over) in our bedroom is where I concentrated. I still felt exhausting things in my heart and I was physically exhausted, but I needed something I could see positive results from. Scott was his usual kind, loving self as I traipsed around in last night's aftermath. I took a pretty serious beating last night, self-inflicted, and tonight I'm going to take a long bath and look into the possibility of being good to myself. I've never learned how to do that, have never truly been on my own side. If not now, when?