Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Words to Live By?

As part of my frustrated but multi-pronged effort to downsize, I've been selling books on Amazon. Today someone purchased my copy of Scottish Fold Cats: A Complete Pet Owner's Manual.

We're not getting a Scottish Fold...this is just one of a zillion books I've accumulated that needs to leave our House of Too Much Stuff for a good home where it will be paid a little attention. This book found that home today, in Simsbury, Connecticut, with a man named George.

Before I packed it up, I flipped through and found this passage, which made me want to keep the book. But off it goes, leaving behind this bit of wisdom on the nature of cats, and no doubt, humans:

"No matter what the occasion, when your Fold speaks to you, there is a reason. Folds seldom talk to admire the sound of their own voices. You should, therefore, always respond when a Fold speaks. The cat stuck in the closet wants to hear how sorry you are for its misfortune and how you will never let this indignity happen again. The cat whose fur has been ruffled wants a similar apology. The cat waking you up for breakfast would like a cheery "good morning" and some food on its plate. The cat who is making a joyful noise would appreciate a soft "Hello," and attentive "What is it?" or a fond "You don't say?"


  • At 4:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Obviously, if one adopts a Scottish Fold cat, he or she should expect to be the 'bitch' in that relationship.

    I think the title should be revised to 'Scottish Fold Cats: A Complete Manual For Humans Who Lack Self-Worth'.

    I hope Connecticut George knows what he's getting himself into. I'm relieved you got rid of that book!

    Hankie could have kicked a Scottish Fold's tail with three paws tied behind his back.

    That being said, you know what? You think you don't need that book. Just like I thought I wouldn't need my puppy training guide. And now look. I'm lost. Completely lost.

  • At 4:52 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    omg, priceles stuff. lmao. thank you for sharing. made my Sunday. = ]

  • At 10:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Have you considered that if George reads your blog, this might have been a real spoiler?

  • At 12:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Good grief, that brought back memories of my beautiful Burmese kitten Sam. I came home from work late and found him splayed halfway on the floor whimpering with his right claw caught in the laundry hamper door (he had apparently been in that position for many hours). He looked at me like "Why did you let this happen and where the hell have you been all this time, you bastage!?" He always walked with a limp afterwards, but lived to the ripe old age of 21 nonetheless.

    Next up - I have to face the trauma of putting down Buddy, an outdoor cat who adopted me about 18 years ago and has been lost since his best friend Max (our beloved Sheltie Max) left him over a year ago. He's frail and clearly suffers from kitty dementia, arthritis, etc.

    It's time. I don't want him to suffer, but it's still hard to make that "final appointment" with the vet. So many bonds being broken these days. Life can just be gut-wrenching, but we do what we have to do and deal with the emotional consequences as best we can.

    I'm also about to "downsize" via eBay, starting with all my musical equipment. Then the artwork. But the books will be the last to go. I suspect you have gazillions more books than I do, but I would rather hang on to mine, at least all my bibles, and associated lexicons, grammars, commentaries, etc. The rest, not so much.

    Love you Candy -

  • At 12:30 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, Hankie could've definitely taken on a Scottish Fold, even in his elder years, by psyching it out.

    Yeah, books. I didn't think I'd ever need that book on How to Dispose of the Bodies of Your Mouthiest Community College Students. Boy was *I* off track!

  • At 12:31 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Citlali, ain't it cool how apt it is for humans? I feel very catlike. I'm going to curl up and lick my paw.

  • At 12:32 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Scott, I do hope poor George can take the shock of learning, all at once, this astounding information on his Fold.

    I am so ashamed.

  • At 12:36 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    JWebb! That poor kitty and the hamper door. But still: What a great cat life, 21 years.

    I am SO with you on the "final appointment." I know you've been through it before, but I know it never gets less horrific. The only thing that kept me sane afterward (there was no sanity to be had DURING) was reassuring myself that I had given Hankie a really good life, great pampering, excellent care, had gone into debt for his medical needs, and had loved him and held him and been a good "mommy." I don't feel like I've done all that much right in my life, but I was pretty sure about doing well at that.

    Hang in there. Pray. Breathe. Realize what you gave him. He knows it.

  • At 12:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Actually, Buddy doesn't know much of what's going around him these day. When I had to send Dave (the cat) over the Rainbow Bridge and Max (the sheltie and best person I've ever known), my wonderful vet asked me, "Yes, it's time for him to go. The question is, "Are YOU ready to let him go?"

    So it's time once more for the Rainbow Bridge. And it sucks. But I refuse to let an elderly, confused and frail friend suffer.

    I hope and trust to see them all again one day. Truer, unconditional love deserves a place in the many rooms of the Lord's house he's preparing for us.

    Mine may be a ram-shackled slum, but if I can just have my old buddies with me - well, that wold be heaven indeed.


  • At 1:56 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    One again reinforcing my long held belief that women are evolved from cats...

  • At 6:26 AM, Blogger planbreaker said…

    George may be a neighbor of my parents...same town! I'll be on the lookout for a bossy Scottish Fold when I visit.

  • At 10:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Something else about this passage from the Scottish Fold book. You mentioned that this might also apply to humans. When I think about it, however, I have known some humans that actually DO talk for no reason, other than to evidently admire the sound of their own voices.

    The worst thing to reply to these people is, "You don't say?" That just fuels the fire.

  • At 9:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    JW I'm sorry about your cat. My dog is getting older and I dread the day we have to put him down. They are members of the family and it's an awful thing to have to say goodbye. Love to you.

  • At 10:13 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    JWebb, I totally believe we'll see them again. They're the very best of the souls.

  • At 10:14 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Planbreaker, we need to compare the addresses! That'd be bizarre if they live close together.

    Futuresis, you can definitely get into a lengthy trap if you toss out a "you don't say?" to the wrong person. Cats normally sum it up quickly though.

  • At 10:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My cat used to just puke everywhere. Well, everywhere with carpet. Never on a tile surface. And she'd bite. That's the thanks I got for rescuing her from the pound. I imagine she wasn't happy, since she puked so much. The vet said that some cats just do that. I had to buy her super expensive food and give her this thick molasses-type medicine from a syringe, right down her throat. That was a fun. And it didn't help.

    She didn't say much, but the sound she made when she puked was not from this world. After that experience, I haven't really wanted to get another cat. I have known too many people whose cats have gone mental. They start out as nice, happy, snuggly little kittens and then turn into Cybil, pissing on beds and such. My first cat, when I was a little kid, started peeing all over the place after she was a few years old (my mom claims that she would just look her right in the eye and squat--right on the brand new carpet), so my parents got rid of her. I loved her so much--I picked her out myself--and it broke my heart.

    After those sad experiences, I don't want to go through the heartbreak again. I just get my kitty fix from my neighbors' cats.

  • At 2:25 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    Forget joyful noise, what about the cat who makes noises like a starving wookie? At 5:00 am and in your face?

    MOIOIOIOAAHAHAH...feed me!

    And yet, still we lurve him.

  • At 5:47 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, that cat sounded FERAL! Too crazed to be inside.

    Or bulemic. Was she a cheerleader perchance?

  • At 5:49 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Steve B, If women are evolved from cats, what're men evolved from? Hound dogs?

  • At 5:51 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Got it:
    One starving wookie and one "bitch bitch bitch." Y'all and yer talking cats.

    The ones that scare me are the Siamese cats. They are too gutteral and wonky-eyed and threatening.

    Much like my date to the senior prom.

  • At 8:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Cheerleader! That explains it!

  • At 1:18 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    "Steve B, If women are evolved from cats, what're men evolved from? Hound dogs?"

    Well, duh. Big, slobbery ones. Perpetually in heat.

  • At 12:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    We've had cats forever--until I got allergic to them. (We had seven at the time.) They're OK, most of them, but some of them deserve whatever they get. Like Ruby, who deliberately and provocatively pee'd down the heating/cooling vent. What are you going to do with a cat like that? We finally gave her away "to a nice home." (Think they were vivisectionists really.)

    But, still, they’re gorgeous, aren’t they? Wouldn’t it be great if cats appeared on US currency, instead of Ben Franklin, U. S. Grant, Andrew Jackson—mean-looking bunch really, especially Old Hickory. It would make a trip to Wal Mart more fun, and kids would get to know our economic system a little better. Think about it—instead of the steady, reproving stare of G. Washington (and you just know he’s thinking that you’d never join the Minutemen at Lexington), you’d see Morris the Meow Mix cat. Wasn’t he adorable? And I loved the jingle: Meow meow meow meow meow….you know the rest….

  • At 1:26 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Tony, I think YOU should be on the money. Every currency. Because you are a national treasure.

    And when I'm almost too lazy to bend down and pick up a penny, I'd be much happier to do it when I saw your smiling face rather than Abe's sad one.

    Maybe he looked like that because a cat peed down HIS heating vent. Uh, I mean fireplace, I guess.

  • At 3:05 PM, Blogger participant-observer said…

    cats on US currency LOVE IT! I am imagining many of my feline friends in powdered wigs!


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