Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

February 1980

Behold the egg and the sperm, played by my soon-to-be-boyfriend, (then husband, then ex-husband) and me.

These photos were in our campus newspaper. And as you know, I never throw anything away.

I am posting these only because I no longer try to have any dignity, and because we're fairly unrecognizable in our make-up. And no, we were not mimes.

The sperms sang "I Am Going to Fertilize Her" to the tune of the theme from "Laverne & Shirley" and where the normal lyric was "never heard the word impossible" the sperms sang "never heard the word vasectomy."

The eggs around me sang "She is Egg" to the tune of the 1970s Helen Reddy feminist anthem "I Am Woman." Instead of the regular lyrics "I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore" they sang "She is egg, watch her grow, in 9 months she'll have to go."

Yes. I know.

To visually indicate that I was the "Super Egg" who would be fertilized, I was at the top of a very tall ladder, mostly trying not to piss my pants from my fear of falling.

We won the competition, and one of the reasons we were so thrilled was that we'd beaten the living shit out of the usual winners, a hoity fraternity/sorority combo with about a billion dollars in their budget for fancy costumes, vocal coaches, etc.
Our budget was about 80 bucks, and we made the sperm costumes out of foam rubber and felt. (Insert your own jokes.) And we were almost always drunk while constructing them.

The caption under the bottom photo read:

"Candy laments her spermless condition."

My parents were thrilled.


  • At 11:16 AM, Blogger Lisa Dunick said…

    Brilliant. You should take the act on the road if you ever get tired of Mrs. Fossilfuel

  • At 12:24 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    lol, yes, lol, wonderful. lol. you can't buy memories like that. lol. lol. (I can't stop) lol = ]

  • At 12:32 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Good idea, LD. I'm packing now.

    Citlali, it IS unique isn't it? But then, so is leprosy.

  • At 1:56 PM, Blogger mgm said…

    Candy, what do you mean unrecognizbale with the makeup? Last time I saw you, you looked just like that!

  • At 7:49 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    You just HAD to let that secret out, didn't you, Mad Grad. DIDN'T YOU?!

    I will get you for this.

  • At 7:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The only reason you were afraid on that ladder was because of the ridiculously tall platform tennis shoes you had on your feet. As I recall you wore them everywhere. I was meaning to look at these photos again since your posting. Great memories. - Poola

  • At 12:05 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Poola! I have totally different memories of those platform shoes. I thought they were something I bought and never wore, then suddenly they were perfect for this costume. But I could be wrong. I had some metallic silver ones, too. Maybe I'm thinking of those.
    Oh, and, I still have those ones from the musical. I'm guessing you're not surprised.

    The ladder was also rickety as hell.

  • At 8:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Are you sure you aren't a mime??

  • At 11:04 PM, Blogger E. said…

    Awesome pictures. At least you got something good out of your ex. He makes a very humorous sperm. So to speak.

    Given that you looked like mimes, and that there were so many of you, maybe you could sell this idea to Mummenschantz...

  • At 1:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I can't believe you posted these pictures! They are still hilarious, even after all these years!

    Signed, The Rabbit

  • At 1:20 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Oh my GAWD!!! I can't believe you're here!

    You did the BEST Shakespearean dying scene EVER when you came out to drop dead.

    Email me so I can get your email address!

    I've been carrying around your cat's Christmas picture ever since I got it. Showing it to perfect strangers. I miss you!

  • At 1:21 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…


    It makes me happy just to see the word "Mummenschanzt."

    Ana, OK. I'm a mime. I'm out of the closet now. The invisible closet.

  • At 7:47 PM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    Wow Candy. You were quite the young hottie. Who knew?

  • At 11:50 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Is that one of them there backhanded compliments?


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