Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Monday, February 11, 2008

Freshly Hoosiered

Spent 6 days in Indiana with the folks. Oh, how I needed it: to escape the annoying city I now know as "Northern Mexico" and dwell for a few days in a town barely two miles from one end to the other, where almost all the inhabitants speak English. Or at least a backwoods/inbred "I seen him downta the Dairy Queen" version of it.

I made an incredibly stupid mistake when booking my travel. A couple months back, I chose a random time to go see my family. Hmmm. Early February. I'll leave on a Monday, since Scott is off that day, and can more easily take me to the airport.

The random Monday I chose? It just happened to be the day after the Super Bowl (held in Phoenix) and the day after the FBR Open golf tournament (held in Phoenix) ended.

When I got to the airport, the crowd was impossible to believe. Like a combination of Christmas travel, Russian bread lines, and "A Missile is Headed for Phoenix Tomorrow, Get Out Now or Fry Like a Slab of Bologna at Graceland" crowds.

Normally when I fly out of here, there are maybe 40 or 50 people in line ahead of me to check their luggage and get their boarding passes. On post-Super Bowl Monday there were approximately 600 people in line when I got to the Southwest counter. I, along with the other pathetic fools, was herded all the way to the other end of the terminal, then guided outside the terminal to stand in a line a full block long. Everyone was freaking out. Hard. And so was I. Would I make my flight? Would there be fistfights? Would I go insane before I even got inside the terminal? Would I get into trouble with a TSA person like I did that time in Fort Myers?

I stood pondering my level of stupidity, trying to rank my stupid decisions in order of their heinousness. Where, for example, did choosing this day to travel rank in comparison to handing over the shit-bomb concoction to Mrs. Fossilfuel? And where would that decision rank on my lifelong scorecard of stupidity? Where does my transforming Mrs. Fossilfuel into a rectal pinata rank against, say, my poor choice of a prom date?

Examining one's own history of stupidity does make the time pass. Fortunately, Southwest Airlines showed themselves to be efficient. There were a dozen Southwest employees moving the line along, shouting instructions, busting people who were trying to cut in line. One woman's job was to stand and loudly repeat this: "If you have a Super Bowl program inside your luggage, please take it out and carry it onto the aircraft with you. Do Not Put Your Super Bowl Program Into Your Checked Bag!" When the guy in front of me asked her the reason for this, she claimed that the programs somehow would set off the X-ray machine. No one believed her. What she really meant was "If you're stupid enough to check that program, it will be stolen by baggage handlers and sold on Ebay before your buttcheeks warm up your seat in economy." After her announcement there were so many men fumbling with so many zippers, it sounded like "roofie" night at the Kennedy Smith beach-house.

In only 40 minutes I had checked my bag and was on my way to the security check-in. The line there was just as scary, and dispersed with just as matter-of-factly, this time by, dare I say it? FRIENDLY, well-trained security people. Unbelieveable. Miraculous. I was going to make my flight. Hallelujah!

Except for this: half the flights were cancelled because of the ghoulish fog in Chicago. Mine was delayed by 90 minutes, but not because of fog. I was told at the gate that "around 300 private Lear jets are trying to leave the airport" and us poor-ass fokes would have to wait our turn.

I can't believe it did not occur to me to take my Lear jet to Indiana. Another stupid decision I will need to rank.


  • At 7:44 AM, Blogger Dana said…

    "...Fry Like a Slab of Bologna at Graceland"

    That just made me spit coffee all over my new keyboard and desk.

    Thank you for the laugh!

    I am going to change my clothes and clean my office now...

  • At 9:42 AM, Blogger Tony from the Bronx said…

    "After her announcement, here were so many men fumbling with so many zippers, it sounded like "roofie" night at the Kennedy Smith beach-house."

    OK: That is correct! You get ten bonus points and advance to the lightening round.

    And listen--quit your populist bitchin'. I NEEDED my Lear jet to land at O'Hare--it was two for one night at the Hustler Club. (And don't ask two for one whats.)

  • At 11:03 AM, Blogger Jerry said…

    Very nice story. I love your metaphors and imagery. I felt like I was there, with you--standing in line...the whole thing.

    Unfortunately, my travel experiences during the last 30 years and 3M air miles allows me to visualize a bit too well.

    I had some interesting ones also, like the time I was standing in the Delta check-in line and a senior citizen--a man--ripped off a sonic boom. Since I was standing behind him, I was doubly blessed with both olfactory pleasures and the attention from dozens of grinning passengers looking at me with accusatory glee.

    Then there was the time a man fell out of the toilet...face first...pants around ankles...too obese to move...big, white, middle age butt shining brightly. Squirming on the floor, trying to get his over sized arms free to pull up his pants (or shoot himself had he been armed)--the flight attendant gasped, "Oh sir, is there any way I can help you?"

    I was wondering what she had in mind, knowing that if she touched him he would probably sue her for sexual abuse. Most of us were holding our breath, hoping he didn't ask her to wipe anything.

    The cabin was extremely silent when he said,"No, I'm finished thank you."

    Your adventures are always enjoyable to read, but I must admit I'm glad you got away from Mrs.F for a short vacation. Her hygiene issues were becoming graphically violent.

  • At 11:32 AM, Blogger Citlali said…

    Oh, yeah -- the zipper/Kennedy comment was the best!! omg, what a mental image. Sorry you had to deal with the "outside" line scenario. Jon and I experienced that directly after 9-11 -- the sweet man had been planning our special trip to Las Vegas on my 30th birthday for months and wasn't going to be stopped by some a**hole terrorists. So on Oct 6th, the same weekend we started bombing -- THAT's when we decided to experience the new airport security. Incredible memories though... Well, that'll learn ya! Yikes. I'm so glad you had a good visit with your folks -- even if you did have to put up with jerks like Tony with their freaken' jets! Just kidding, Tony... = ]

  • At 5:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    so, the cynic in me (wait ... there may not be anything else) figures that they were super efficient and friendly because sucking up to people who can shell out several hundred dollars for a super bowl ticket pays off ... being friendly and efficient to a bunch of regular air travelers inconvenienced by weather? nah.

  • At 10:28 PM, Blogger Lisa Dunick said…

    sorry that the travel was hell-- but it was great to see you again!

  • At 12:19 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dana, I'll send my cleaning people over. Oh, and that would be me. :)

    Tony, you and your rotten Lear jet. How many times have I asked you to mingle with the great unwashed?

  • At 12:20 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, I cannot even imagine flying 3 million miles. I would not have lasted half a million without going completely insane.

    Citlali, Good for Jon! Piss on the terrorists.

  • At 12:22 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    c... you have me fooled. You are one of the least cynical people I know.
    Which makes me want to beat you.

  • At 12:22 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    LD...great to see you too! Talk about a chance meeting. Glad you were checking your mail.

  • At 11:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I get Hoosiered about twice a year and always smell a bit funky afterwards. How 'bout you, Candy?

    How are your folks?

  • At 12:30 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jackie, and don't forget about the hives, too.

    My folks are doing OK, just seethingly tired of the cold weather. My mom's exact words: "When is this weather going to stop showing its ass?"

  • At 4:44 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    LOL, that's the BEST way to put it I've ever heard! = ]


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