February 1980

Behold the egg and the sperm, played by my soon-to-be-boyfriend, (then husband, then ex-husband) and me.

These photos were in our campus newspaper. And as you know, I never throw anything away.

I am posting these only because I no longer try to have any dignity, and because we're fairly unrecognizable in our make-up. And no, we were not mimes.

The sperms sang "I Am Going to Fertilize Her" to the tune of the theme from "Laverne & Shirley" and where the normal lyric was "never heard the word impossible" the sperms sang "never heard the word vasectomy."

The eggs around me sang "She is Egg" to the tune of the 1970s Helen Reddy feminist anthem "I Am Woman." Instead of the regular lyrics "I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore" they sang "She is egg, watch her grow, in 9 months she'll have to go."

Yes. I know.

To visually indicate that I was the "Super Egg" who would be fertilized, I was at the top of a very tall ladder, mostly trying not to piss my pants from my fear of falling.

We won the competition, and one of the reasons we were so thrilled was that we'd beaten the living shit out of the usual winners, a hoity fraternity/sorority combo with about a billion dollars in their budget for fancy costumes, vocal coaches, etc.
Our budget was about 80 bucks, and we made the sperm costumes out of foam rubber and felt. (Insert your own jokes.) And we were almost always drunk while constructing them.

The caption under the bottom photo read:

"Candy laments her spermless condition."

My parents were thrilled.