Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Why Aren't You Thinking Deep Thoughts?

I'll tell you why.

Because you get distracted by meaningless things, don't you? You allow yourself to step into the quicksand of your mind, the place where there are late fees on credit cards and long overdue dental appointments. And old relationships and new dings on the car. And anxiety over your noisy idiot neighbors and their idiot music. And where could you have possibly left your favorite sweatshirt? You haven't seen it in weeks. Is it gone forever? Oh, and in this mental quicksand there are even forgotten pickle jars. Way in the back of the refrigerator behind the lettuce that you were going to eat so you'd be healthy, and less likely to kack early in the game, but which you let rot and curl up like the slovenly pig you are.

Apparently there is also name-calling and self-condemnation in this place. And several cakes you left out in the rain.

Go, take your mind to the fresh layers of the inner self, the higher self, the one you sweep under the rug like bits of cockroach ankles.

Look at the monkey. Year after year. There it is! His face! Every time! You look at it and you expect something else to be there. Like a tuna casserole, or a box of Tide, or, for the love of God, at least a monkeywrench!

But no. It is his face.

I don't care who you are...that shit is deep.


  • At 11:42 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    No, f'ing cockroach ankles, now that's deep! omg. I can't stop chuckling. Thank you. Laughter is the best zen in the world, no? = ]

  • At 11:54 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    And think of the teeny little ankle bracelets they were wearing.

  • At 9:59 AM, Blogger Carin said…

    I think of deep shit all the time. Seriously. Well, when I'm not drunk.

    Oh, nevermind.

    HEY - Candy I have a post with your name written ALL OVER it. Go look. I'll give you ten guesses which one it is.

  • At 10:14 AM, Blogger Hoosier Mama said…

    And toe rings...don't forget the tiny toe rings.

  • At 10:24 AM, Blogger Dana said…

    Ouch. My brain just kacked trying to go that deep.

    Too deep Candy. Just too damn deep.

  • At 11:09 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Toe rings. I dig it, daddy-o. Er, mommy-o.

  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Carin, I must have a smoking baby. Priceless.

  • At 12:15 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dana, you have to ease into these things. You cannot ramp up the speed when you're entering deep zen water. Or at least you have to slow down now and zen.

  • At 12:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, it isn't THAT deep. Because I wonder why year after year, since 1987, on ME, there is the monkey's face. And on the monkey, there is MY face. And I really would like my face back. Damn monkey. I really don't want to have to kill him, but if he doesn't give me my face back soon, it may just come down to that.

    I am so obsessed by this, that I can't think of the cockroach ankles or the nasty lettuce in my fridge. Everything in my life has been forgotten, except that I have a monkey face and I missed my senior prom because of it. I just want this monkey's face gone. It's there whenever I look in the mirror. Taunting me with it's large teeth. I never wanted to be able to pull my upper lip over my head. And have you ever TRIED to apply lipliner to monkey lips? I tell you, that's something that in the last twenty years I have not been able to perfect. And I look like a monkey-whore whenever I try.

  • At 12:55 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, I am so glad your search for potent LSD has been fruitful.

  • At 1:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm glad you won't judge me, but it doesn't lessen the pain. Everyone thinks it would be so cool to have a pet monkey. It isn't. One night you go to sleep, the next morning, you're staring at Bobo's face in the mirror, while your face is taunting you from a hairy little body swinging from the light fixture.

    I have tried to ask nicely for my face back, but every time, the damn monkey just screeches and thows poo at me.

    And now that I am getting up there in years, I am very concerned. Bobo doesn't even TRY to take care of my face. No moisturizer or eye cream. And he won't hold still for a mud mask.

    His days are numbered.

  • At 12:13 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    You see, that's my point. Life is very, very deep. It is very serious and should not be taken lightly. You need to focus on life all the time and quit thinking about Elmer Fudd having sex with Minnie Mouse...or quit thinking about how stupid everybody else is except you and me.

    You need to have some compassion for others--the perverts and morons that walk the streets and eat at McDonalds. My point is, have a heart and quit being so sensitive. Sure life is deep--up to your neck...and it stinks too! What is that stuff?

    I know, I know--its not easy being brilliant and perceptive and hurts to be a genius. But, nobody gives you the love and attention and stuff you deserve...the selfish pigs are just looking out for themselves and digging down deeper and deeper into their own deep lives.

    So, in conclusion I would like to say that the deep stuff may stink, and deep people may be twisted pigs, but at least we have each other and your husband and my wife and your friends and some of mine will be out on probation soon...and Gail.

    Jesus, I hate New Year's Day.

  • At 7:08 PM, Blogger Steve B said…

    Seriously, WHO thinks of things like "cockroach ankles?" I mean seriously.

    Utter blinding brilliance. You are the Mozart to my Soliari.

    {{shakes fist impotently at the sky, who deigns not to notice, yet secretly harbors a wry grin of amusement at my frustrated pathos.}}

  • At 8:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    And don't forget the monkey's paw!

  • At 9:43 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, how dare you have the nerve to ask that monkey for your face back. He won it fair and square in that drunken poker game. Get over it.

    Embrace your monkeyness.

    Fling poo.

  • At 9:45 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, yes. We do have each other. In a world of selfish pig-dogs who are there only to make our wretched lives more wretched.

    I also hate New Year's Day. Fresh start? Yeah. Right.

  • At 9:48 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Oh Steve, and I are but 2 twisted beings on the same hack planet, trying to find our way amongst the cockroach ankles and the cosmic debris floating through our cosmic minds, dude.

    Don't tell me you haven't pondered the ankles of cockroaches. I do not believe you. Do not lie just to deny your membership in this confusing little club. Remember how difficult the hazing was.

  • At 9:49 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    BELLE!!! NOOOOOOO! Not the monkey's paw!!!

    Oh, we are doomed.

  • At 9:59 AM, Blogger Jerry said…

    Candy, I don't think Steve should be shaking his fist at whatever is up there in the sky. I mean, what if what ever is up there is big and can take big BMs on all of us?

    I don't know what is up there; no matter how hard I look--day or night--I don't see anything but clouds and stars and small alien spacecraft. So, the fist shaking thing worries me. What if Steve makes it mad and it decides to wreck vengeance on all of us? Is it "wreck" vengeance or "reek" vengeance?

    See, that's my point; you start shaking your fist at something that you don't know what it is and you don't know what it does, and there's no telling what's going to happen.

    That's why life is so deep (didn't think I was going to forget about the ever deepening life thingy did you?), because we don't know what's up there and we're not sure what's down here and we're not sure what's in-between. I recommend that you take two Lortab with a glass of White Star Moet Chandon and say a few prayers to whoever Steve is shaking his fist at and beg them not to do anything to any of us; pray that whoever it is wrecks his or her vengeance on Steve.

  • At 11:21 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    "...because we don't know what's up there and we're not sure what's down here and we're not sure what's in-between."

    I like this, Jerry. It never occurred to me that we don't know what's down here. But you're right. There's definitely something down here that I do not understand.

    And of course I didn't think you'd forget about the deepening life thingy. I can never get my own brain off that. It's an annoying affliction, no?

  • At 1:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think it is "wreak vengeance," and I think that what is up there is a big monkey that is going to fling poo down on us all. And wreaking that kind of vengeance would also reek. And wreck a lot of stuff.

  • At 5:34 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    "Fling poo." That makes me giggle like a school girl.

    Fling poo.

  • At 5:35 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    I think I'm going for "reek vagrants."

  • At 5:43 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    I think that is a racial slur. We have a Chinese man in our neighborhood and his name is Flyng Pooh. And, strangely enough he sponsors a soccer team call "The Reeking Vagrants."

    Do you think he meant "Wreaking Vengents," and just got confused or did he meant "Wrecking Vagrants."

    I think he is tri-sexual as well. Do you get extra points for creating new sexual modalities? Like "The Vengent Sods," or "The Sodful Vagrants."

    Is any of this illegal?

    Jesus, I hate January.

  • At 5:54 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, you could make predictions for the Enquirer.

    "Giant Monkey Flings Poo to Earth!"

    "Michael Jackson Remarries!"

    "O.J. Becomes Minister!"


  • At 5:55 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Domhan, you and I have a long, odd history with monkeys, too.

    Stop giggling.

    STOP. I mean it.

  • At 5:57 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, you're like a combo of Bob Newhart and Foster Brooks today.

    TRI-sexual??? Llamas? Does that mean llama sex?

    If so, alpaca bag and run away.

  • At 6:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You or the cockroach ankles still haven't called. By the way, I'm way jealous of your many clever friends, and I was sorry to see that Jerry is married but glad that he's happy. He is just way too funny.

    Basho. I love Basho. And he is deep. But the Monkey face? Maybe he didn't feel well that day.

    Happy new school for another four days! Love, Anita

  • At 6:45 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Happy New Year, Anita!!!

    Yay for time off from school. I feel exceptionally weird because I'm not going back this semester. I have no idea what I'll be doing in 2 weeks. Pole dancing? Yes. Probably.

  • At 10:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I thought you were going to be a pimp? You are the proud owner of "Gentleman of Leisure." Use it!

  • At 9:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    WE WANT CANDY!!!!! WE WANT CANDY!!!!!!! BLOG LIKE IT'S 2008!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I'm gonna get it for that.


Post a Comment

<< Home