Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Friday, November 02, 2007

Brief Update

Thankfully, The Abyss will not be back in my classroom ever again. The methodology of the process is mostly kept secret from me, and that's fine. Except for the fact that I'll never know if she got help. I'm 99% sure she didn't get help, and that she won't. Because she isn't forced into counseling in order to stay enrolled. That would be illegal.

I found out the name of the professor who had had The Abyss in this particular class before, this past summer, when she got a D. I wanted to email the woman and see if I could meet with her, to find out if she had come to the same conclusions I did about The Abyss. But the part of me that takes blame anywhere I can get it was too reluctant to contact her. My fear was that she would say "Oh, no, not at all! She was as normal as pumpkin pie in my class." So I decided to put that idea on hold.

Yesterday, as I went upstairs to see the department head, I stopped at the women's bathroom first. There was one other person in the bathroom. She came out of the stall. It was that professor. She and I have said hi once or twice, nothing more. We don't run into each other. Before I could say a word, she burst out with "Hey! You and I had the same psycho in class!" About 80% of my stress left the building. Because of this very self-serving thing: I had confirmation that I wasn't psycho for thinking this student was psycho. I was somehow freed of my self-imposed sentence.

For a few minutes, she and I were both in the department head's office. She wanted to offer to go to bat to the dean if needed. Also, she actually had kept one of The Abyss's papers from her summer class, and went and got it, and showed it to the dept. head. It was gibberish, just like the ones I'd gotten. More relief. (This professor had given The Abyss "a charity D." I don't do that. I flunk them.)

And yes, I find it troublesome that when this is about a student whose head is filled with lava and who is phenomenally unhappy, I'm all about self-preservation.

My department head was very, very supportive. In a job that screams with hideousness in many ways, he is a bright spot. Why? Because he has already walked through the fire of having taught high school (also known as the Poofy Engorged Spleen of Hell) for many years, and has been threatened by parents, had his house and car damaged by students, and been left twisting in the wind by the administration. He is no beginner.

And now I must insist that this problem go away, and that the weekend be devoted only to activities that supply oversized barrels of fun and/or relaxation, for me and for the visitors to this blog. What will you indulge in? I will start with happy hour tonight. And then perhaps later a ridiculous inebriated scene where I try to construct a toothpaste sculpture. Not that I've ever done that.


  • At 2:08 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    WOW -- How FREAKEN' awesome is that??? Just FUN -- what a relief. I'm SO happy, super happy for you. Yes, BIG party!! My Sweet and I just finished the last chapter of the Sopranos last night for the first time. Weird. And this weekend we plan on a total TV marathon (the last few shows of Prison Break season II, Life, Heroes and others we taped this week but haven't watched yet) with probably sushi for me and pizza for him. Yeah. All that tucked in between picture processing -- fun and exhausting at the same time -- shoping at Costco and our Nephew's B-day party on Sunday afternoon. Oh, and Jon's watching the incredibly amazing game to be aired on Sunday. Jam-packed fun weekend. Have a drink for me, Candy!! I'll toast a couple hot sakis for you!! KANPAI!! = ]

  • At 2:19 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    That sounds like a magnificent weekend!!!
    I've only seen the first season of the Sopranos. Never got around to watching the rest, but someday I will.
    I have also not seen ANY of Prison Break OR Heroes. Also future rentals.
    Monday is Costco day here. Tomorrow it's Petsmart.

    Hey...we're having Chinese food after happy hour. Saki, here I come.

  • At 2:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Toothpaste sculpture!?!! Excellent. You can also make tin foil costumes, if you're feeling like a Sweet Potato Queen. Pretanaturaly large codpieces or breastplates or shoes with curled-up toes like a sprite. And don't overlook shaving cream as a medium for artistic expression. That would be a shame. Fudge also has merits all its own. Many of them, in fact.

  • At 3:03 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    The shoes. It's those shoes I want. Curled up oompah-loompah sprite shoes. And a plate of fudge as big as a saucer sled.

    Good idea.

  • At 3:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hooray! Happy ending to a lousy week!

    This weekend, we'll be finishing up painting the kitchen and replacing a faucet in the kids' bathroom. I'm also hoping to do some caulking. JL has basketball practice on Sat. and Sun. And the kids will all probably have friends over and be going to friends' houses off and on throughout the weekend.

    Aside from that, I want to knit, watch the Michigan game, and Sunday's race. And I plan to wear my pajamas as much as possible.

  • At 3:14 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Mmmmm. Pajamas.

    Your house is hopping every weekend. It's them dang kids. I keep telling you to send them here, to Candy's Happy Swamp of Discipline, er, Dude Ranch Activities.

    Oh, and you come too. Lizzie will serve a very dry wine.

  • At 3:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    No, Candy!! No sculpting of toothpaste for joo! We're still finding your little toothpaste masterpieces around the ol' office. Our latest discovery: the final piece from your "Sloths Suffering from Priapism" series.

  • At 3:48 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Well well, Jackie O. So this is what I get for leaving priceless masterpieces in the office for you to find.

    And to think I almost added my "Hounds With Dysentary" series to the surprise.

    Work your fingers to the bone and what do you get? Sloth boners.

  • At 4:56 PM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    "brief update"

    dammit. I thought this was going to be about your skivvies, or lack thereof.

  • At 5:01 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    I know you are savvy, but this psycho girl is unpredictable. She might do anything to get you into trouble so keep your butt covered with witnesses and recordings--that's right, I would secretly record her when she is ranting or talking crazy.

    It seems like unanimity is developing amongst the staff at your school; they all think the girl is disturbed, but that doesn't mean she still can't sue you. Even if her suit is trivial and she loses, it can still make your life miserable and cost big money.

    I know, I sound paranoid. But, it's OK to be crazy if you don't antagonize people.

  • At 5:07 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Skivvies??? I don't wear them thangs. I wear only long johns. Trap door. Fuzzy feet.

  • At 5:09 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Jerry, I know it's not over. And I'm very cautiously optimistic. But if I let myself freak out any more than I already have, my stomach lining (what's left of it) is going to roll itself up like a flauta and shoot out one of my nostils.

  • At 5:09 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…


  • At 5:42 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Also, Jerry, how am I to record her when she's not coming back to class?

    Shit. I do not want to think about a lawsuit. Just for that, I'm not making you a toothpaste sculpture, Jerry.

  • At 6:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I've seen your toothpaste sculptures. Not as entertaining as your air guitar, but they're good...

  • At 6:55 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    You know what? You are BANNED from these comments, Scott P., whoever you are. I have no idea who you are. You are but an intertube stranger to me.

    A stranger, I tell you.

  • At 8:37 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    LOL. You could try making a mashed potato sculpture. Worked for that one guy... Yeah, maybe she's an alien. Hmmm. That makes a lot of sense. = ]

  • At 8:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What?!?!?!?!?!?! You can't ban m

  • At 12:08 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I did. I banned him. I done did it.

  • At 8:14 AM, Blogger Carin said…

    I'm glad you have a bit of resolution for the weekend ;)

    My weekend will consist of grocery shopping, laundry, football, and scouring the internet for a new doggie.

  • At 8:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I sea you talken about me. You had me throwed out of your class. I gone get you for this.

  • At 10:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'll get you my lovely, and your little husband too...

  • At 1:14 PM, Blogger Dana said…

    Candy that is awesome! I am so glad that justification & release from guilt were sent your way and you received them!

    Yesterday two of my very dearest friends and I went to Galveston for a holiday. There was a huge biker rally and I don't think I've ever laughed more - except when reading your comments! The bikers were everywhere and totally bad ass and loud and cheesy and scary and and great blog to come later tonight, with pictures.

    Then it's family, nothing but family for the the next two days. I have to over dose and get completely drunk on my husband and kids every weekend so I can handle the week to come.

  • At 1:15 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Carin, good luck with the doggie search!! Boo for the laundry. Yay for the football.

    Citlali...will instant mashed potatoes work?

  • At 1:16 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Anonymous, *I* didn't have you throwed outta my class! The dean did. But you should go talk to her. I'll give you her address right now. All you need to get into the gated community where she lives, is to show the security guy proof of your above-room-temperature IQ.


  • At 1:20 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    "I have to over dose and get completely drunk on my husband and kids every weekend so I can handle the week to come."

    I love that sentence. There is such abandon in it. Good for you. Soak it up.

    Can't wait for your post!

    Last night I went to an outside jazz bar with a friend, then to her house where the husbands caught up with us, then to a fantastic Chinese restaurant where my husband ordered orange beef but they gave him orange chicken instead and we pretty much knocked him away from the table like a bad servant and ate it up for him.

    Also, we had hot spicy garlic green beans. Hurtfully good.

  • At 4:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    An English professor from the University of Phoenix told his class one day:

    "Today we will experiment with a
    new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person
    will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As
    homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short
    story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy
    to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
    paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to
    me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on
    Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
    story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the
    e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The
    story is over when both agree a conclusion has be en reached."

    The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
    Rebecca and Gary.


    (first paragraph by Rebecca)

    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
    chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
    reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
    liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
    off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
    him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of
    the question.

    (second paragraph by Gary)

    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Har ris, leader of the attack squadron
    now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
    than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
    whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
    Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
    orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could
    sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a
    hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
    flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.


    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
    one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
    had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
    pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
    &nbs p;"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
    Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
    excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
    youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
    newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
    innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
    lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.


    Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
    of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
    its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
    the Unil ateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had
    left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
    determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
    of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
    enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
    them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
    missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
    top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
    coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
    poor, stupid Laurie.


    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
    writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.


    Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
    attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I
    have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh
    no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many
    Danielle Steele novels!"






    F&a mp;*%K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!


    Go drink some tea - whore.


    A+ - I really liked this one.

    Um, Candy. You have some splanin' to do.

  • At 5:00 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    That is superb. With a cherry on top. I would LOVE to have students this creative. Or awake.

    This is too good not to spread around. I'm printing it out for my classes.

  • At 5:04 PM, Blogger Dana said…

    Oh I loved that!

    My family will do this sort of writing game at the table. Without the emails and the cuss words. Well, the kids anyway...

    The cool thing is you do see each personality come out in the process.

    My daughter is always saving the world, my son is always blowing it up and my husband is always making corny jokes. Me, I just try to have fun with the whole thing...

  • At 5:20 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dana...I hope you're saving some of those to have your kids read in 20 years. They can watch their personalities happening.

    I'm probably closer to your son's style. Stuff blowing up is good.

  • At 8:09 PM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    Candy likes blowing stuff. huh.

  • At 8:49 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    UP! I like blowing stuff UP!

    Durn you and yer gutter brain.


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