Ode to the Front Butt
One never knows what people are really searching for in the vast, dark spaces of the internet. It is frightening to look at the underbelly of the beast. The underbelly, or that more mesmerizing belly-oriented growth.
I must take time out of my busy purging and paper grading to spend a moment honoring the front butt. Since I wrote an idiotic post on this topic over a year ago, my blog has received at least 500 hits from people who have typed "front butt" into search engines. I gave up trying to imagine why. If anyone can shed some light on this for me, or can offer up any theories, please do.
But perhaps it is a question for the ages, this mystique of the front butt. Let us not, then, dismiss it in haste, but take the time to offer it the glory and acclaim it deserves.
There. I think that oughta do it.
posted by Candy Rant @ 1:02 AM
35 Comments:
At 7:37 AM,
prairie biker said…
Is now the time to mention that I finally broke down and entered a Wally-World, alone, intentionally, and with a purchase in mind, of my own accord?
I regret the purchase because what I bought are pieces of crap pairs of jeans that surely cannot last.
But I did firmly establish that Wally-World is the Holy Mecca of the Front Butt.
I can't even make myself go back there to return the jeans.
At 8:12 AM,
Anonymous said…
PB, don't feel bad. We all eventually find ourselves in a Wally-World for one reason or another. I have also purchase crap clothing and then had not been able to return the items because it was such a horrible experience going there in the first place. Donate the jeans and feel good that you have given someone with nothing something new.
I try to stay away from that place, but for some reason find myself there more frequently than I care to admit. And 9 times out of 10 when I walk out of there, I am telling myself I will not go back. But I have learned that no matter how great a deal it looks like you'll get on jeans, they will be scratchy and fall apart soon. And in the process, your legs could turn blue from the bleeding dye. And that shirt might look OK on the hanger, but once you wash it, it won't even resemble a shirt and it wasn't designed for an average human body. It may not have even been designed for a human at all.
Candy, I can't get the picture to show up in my browser. :-( Then again, maybe I should be thankful?
At 8:41 AM,
Jerry said…
If you go to www.frontbutt.com, you will see why you get so many its. It is a hip-hop band. It is a very strange term. But having a front butt is not as bad as having a nose dick, a nose that looks like...well no need to be graphic.
At 9:36 AM,
Anonymous said…
Candy-Why are you up at 1am??? Or is the time wrong on here?
I can't see a picture either!! We also want the see the picture Jerry is describing!!
At 9:57 AM,
Anonymous said…
Futuresis & Belle- I made a minor change to the code for the picture that may or may not help you to see it, but give it a shot.
At 10:06 AM,
Anonymous said…
Still no butt.
At 10:16 AM,
Anonymous said…
I don't see the butt either.
At 10:16 AM,
Anonymous said…
Do you know how to clear your browser cache, Belle?
[okay, no more geeky crap.]
At 10:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
I cleared out the browser cache, tried to right click and open in a new window and a new tab and that didn't work. Also right clicked and clicked on "show picture" but nothing happened.
We want the front butt! We want the front butt!
At 10:25 AM,
Anonymous said…
I just tried something else, but confidence is not high. I don't know where Candy got the image, but don't search for 'front butt', it isn't pleasant.
At 10:45 AM,
Anonymous said…
And there it is....whatever you did, it worked!!!! Thank you, Scott! I think?
Also, thanks for the warning!
:-)
At 10:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
I was simple- just did a screen grab into Photoshop, reset the pixel aspect ratio, exported it, and uploaded it again.
I'm way too geeky for my own good.
At 10:48 AM,
Anonymous said…
Oops- IT was simple, though I'm simple, too.
At 11:18 AM,
Anonymous said…
Is it possible to be both geeky and simple?
Oh yeah. And I totally understood what you did to fix the problem. Yeah. I was going to suggest that. Really. I was too!
At 11:50 AM,
Unknown said…
Truly terrifying. Too many members of my own family could qualify...
At 12:32 PM,
Candy Rant said…
How awful to sleep in late and then get up and find out my front butt didn't appear.
At 12:34 PM,
Candy Rant said…
Well that DOES shed some light on it, Jerry. I hope most of the hits were because of that. Although this blog has also gotten a lot of hits for "very obese women."
At 12:36 PM,
Candy Rant said…
Belle, yep, I was up at 1 a.m., but when the blog post says it was put up at 1:00, that's central time. It was 11:00 here. But I stayed up being extremely angry about how lame and awful my students' research papers are. I wanted to slit my/their wrists.
At 2:25 PM,
prairie biker said…
"They" say that intense emotional pain improves the quality of one's writing.
Send your students to wally-world. Chain them to carts or force them to work as personal assistants to other shoppers.
Maybe that will help.
At 2:29 PM,
Candy Rant said…
Done, Prairie Biker. I'm gonna go rent a bus and take their sad lazy flesh to Walmart.
At 4:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Wow, Candy. That photo makes my eyes hurt. The absence of bra (or maybe it's just the worst-fitting bra in history), the arms that would be so much better served by a top with sleeves, the ill-fitting shorts that should have died a fiery death a long time ago, the cigarette.... Tragic.
When *did* you take that picture of me?! You sneaky slag, you!
At 4:38 PM,
Candy Rant said…
Oh, Jackie, you're so kind to try to hide my secret. I set my tripod up and took that photo of myself. Wide angle lens.
But still, I do admit to being a sneaky slag.
At 7:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
Have been gone for a while and there was the front butt to greet me early on a Saturday morning!
Thank you Scott/Jeff!
At 10:25 AM,
Dana said…
Hey, how did you get that picture of me?!!?!?!? Just kidding. I don't have a front butt. Although, I am a woman of abundance. That's pc-ness for I'm fat. I am blessed to not have the front butt, camel toe or nose penis (I hate the other word). But sadly enough, I do have mudflap arms. Sigh, we cannot all have the bodily perfection that is (insert your idea of bodily perfection here).
Oh and...
Wal-Mart SUCKS...I like Target.
And...
Dangit, I work with a gent who has this particular affliction. I am not going to be able to look at him in the face anymore.
At 11:11 AM,
Carin said…
It's sad that some women can put on weight and still look attractive; while others don't. Life. Isn't. Fair.
At 1:07 PM,
Candy Rant said…
There's nothing like a front butt to greet you in the morning, Belle. I was searching for the most midwestern-looking one I could find.
At 1:09 PM,
Candy Rant said…
Mudflap arms! HAAAA! Yeah, it's WAY too hard to firm those up. I use the arm handle thingies on our elliptical and I get all the soreness and none of the tone. Time for weights again.
Dana, I can't help it. I'm addicted to Walmart. I love Target, too. But I can't get enough of seeing the hideous people in Walmart. And I'm not talking about front butt types, just those who look like they've been locked up in caves and suddenly were accidentally let out to mingle with society.
At 1:09 PM,
Candy Rant said…
(Of course, that's probably what they're thinking about me.)
At 1:37 PM,
Candy Rant said…
No, it isn't fair, Carin. Bleh.
But now at 48 I'm much more into getting healthy or trying to, than I used to be. And of course THAT part isn't fair either. I hate being next to someone my age when I'm on the treadmill at Gold's and they're going 5 times as fast as me and not sweating.
At least I can hide from that crap now, and use a machine at home. While yelling at the TV.
At 3:47 PM,
Dana said…
Don't get me wrong, Wal-Mart is at times a necessary evil...But the banjo music in the background and the weird familial resemblance everyone has is disturbing enough to make it a brief and infrequent necessity.
At 3:54 PM,
Candy Rant said…
HA! I agree.
And "A Brief and Infrequent Necessity" would be a great title for an essay about going there.
At 7:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
Lordy, Lordy...you're right. Your home town is filled with those. Mine too. This is funny stuff. When are you going to write that dang book? Anita
At 8:16 PM,
Candy Rant said…
Anita...Ain't we lucky to have front butt backgrounds?
I'm writin', I'm writin'!
At 11:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
You want to know why? I was looking at a tutorial for how to make a doll bikini. The doll in the example pictures had a front-butt, made worse by the bikini. I suddenly had an unstoppable urge to see some REAL front-butt.
Anyway, thanks for this. I was gonna go open that new bag of Cheetos but I don't really feel like it anymore.
At 11:57 PM,
Candy Rant said…
HAHA!!!
Thanks for the laugh!
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