Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Life in the Classroom

Remember the class with the atheist, the two Christians, and the pagan? (Sounds like the beginning of a joke.) Well, the pagan has dropped the class because of scheduling problems, the atheist has turned out to be an excellent writer, and there's a new horror in town.

Let's call him Flapjaw.

I'm going to just come out and tell you that I am so sick of Flapjaw's constant jabber in class that I am about to lose my shit. Not only does he feel compelled to comment on every single thing I say when I'm teaching, he wishes to answer each and every question I ask, and then he rambles off into so many tangents that if you tried to keep up with them, you would end up ramming your head up your own rectum, and face-butting your lungs like Herve Villechaize motorboating Nell Carter.

I have not "handled" Flapjaw yet. I will absolutely have to do this when that class resumes next Thursday. (Labor Day weekend means Monday off, and I've cancelled Tuesday's class. It meets T/Th.) I wasn't sure until today that Flapjaw was going to be such a nefarious presence in the classroom. Sure, he rambled during the previous class, but he raised his hand so I could at least reluctantly call on him when no one else would speak. But now he has tossed aside the ritual of the raised hand in favor of his own impromptu verbal stream of diarrhea. His favorite topics: his time in military school (what a surprise), his adventures working the front desk at some crappy we-just-need-an-hour motel, his time in military school, books he's read and found fascinating enough to attempt to recap the entire plots, oh, and his time in military school.

Wait, I forgot. One of his immersions into mental quicksand today was all about how "hotheaded religious people get when they argue." It was all wrapped into the smugness of an idiotic, pretentious, truly uninformed college student who would be better served if he were shackled into a dungeon and made to eat rat assholes for every meal. I stopped him just before I snapped and jumped across the big table we all sit gathered around. I have to admit that in my heart, my hands were already around his freckly neck and his too-large forehead was being pounded into the table like a jackhammer.

I will get you, Flapjaw. You've had 2 days of grace. No more. I can't believe I put up with this bullshit for two class periods. I was simply so stunned by your social ineptness that I couldn't speak. It was like watching a baby chick hatch. Look! Look at the miracle that is Flapjaw!


  • At 12:00 PM, Blogger laurazim said…

    Ok, you should really warn the pregnant people out there before you start a rant like this. I definitely peed. Not a lot, but enough.

    The waiting for next Thursday--SIX ENTIRE DAYS AWAY--might just be enough to keep my mind off of my extremely nauseated stomach............

  • At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Banjo said…

    Hi Candy! I still visit from time to time. I still enjoy your twisted sense of humour and your vivid style. I particularly like it when you share some of the more personal aspects of your life (Progress Report Aug 12). I suspect that you underestimate how much many of us have in common with you. It is what makes your work so appealing.

    Today, I am laughing at your struggle with flapjaw. Yes! Even in adult learning there is always the student who, instead of asking questions, wants to tell his story - just like a second grader. He has hijacked your class and now you need to get it back. Good luck girl! I suggest you do it privately. He will hate you for squashing him, no matter how satisfying that might be.

  • At 12:38 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Laura, that WAS quite a teaser, wasn't it? Now watch him NOT show up! One can only hope! Hope your stomach behaves. At least there's a big payoff coming!

    BANJO! Long time no see. But then I've kinda starved my blog in the last few months. Too much other writing going on.

    I will definitely talk to Flapjaw privately, before class, and then if he doesn't snap out of his idiocy, I'll ask him in class to consider that his peers also need their chance to get participation points. (It's 20% of their grade.)

    You never know how someone is going to react. I've rarely had to do this. In fact, never. Usually the overtalker figures out from my few times of cutting them off, etc., and they adjust accordingly. Not Flapjaw.

    Great to hear from you!

  • At 11:04 PM, Blogger E. said…

    Loved the class introductions post. And this one - hilarious. I may steal it and use it as a reading when I have my own little Creative Writing students write their rant later in the semester. (With your permission, of course. And if you grant it, I'll use Candy Rant as the author's name, unless you say otherwise...)

    Dude. Flapjaw sounds like three of my worst nightmares rolled into one. I have a mini-Flapjaw, but nothing nearly this bad. He raises his hand a lot, then proceeds to say something really unobservant or sometimes just totally off (it's a literature class), and in the most longwinded and roundabout way imaginable. But very good natured and eager to please, so I can't even really get on his case. I just waaaiiiiittt for him to finish, then try to figure out how to get the discussion back on a moderately productive track. I value my minutes of class time, so this kid's every answer is sort of torturous to me.

    (Whew! Thanks. I didn't even know how much I needed to get that off my chest.)

  • At 3:17 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    E., I'm so glad I'm not alone in this classroom scenario. Bleh. It's EXHAUSTING!!!!

  • At 8:05 PM, Blogger Chilebrown said…

    Wow, stop the anger, stress and just give him an F. Put Pragmatic Chef/Candy Rant on the line and teach him a lesson. You are the boss are you not?

    Oh man we just had some berkshire pork chops with Survival Spice!

  • At 8:19 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Chile...I'd love to just drop him through a trap door/give him an F. But of course in the world of the university, we're not the "bosses" so much as we are the "customer service representatives."

    Rest assured, Flapjaw will be tamed in the next week though, whether it takes kid gloves or boxing gloves.

    I'll tell Scott about the pork chops just to see him cry. :)

  • At 11:42 PM, Anonymous MightyMighty said…

    Now this made me laugh! Now that I'm a teacher, I get it. That kid who doesn't realize that nobody else is as into him as he is. For the love of all that is sacred, SHUT UP!

    But you, Candy, can talk all day, and I would love it.

  • At 6:26 PM, Blogger laurazim said…

    *Ahem* Candy, dear, some of us are a-bit-less-than-patiently waiting for the UPDATE on this "Flapjaw" character! WRITE, woman, WRITE!!!!

    *Thank you.*


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