Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Sunday, November 29, 2009

One Tiny Moment in a Marriage

Candy: I was wondering...

Scott: Yes?

Candy: Instead of watching that Steelers game tonight, would you be interested in watching a Hallmark movie with me called "A Dog Named Christmas?"

Scott: (after a pause) What's at stake here?

Candy: The future of our marriage.

He was already slicing onions, so the tears just naturally appeared.


  • At 6:43 PM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    Marriage is hard.

  • At 7:51 PM, Anonymous Ana said…

    Not as hard as watching a freakin' dog named frackin' Christmas.

  • At 9:33 PM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    Candy, that's just hitting below the belt. Scott, my couch is available when you need it. There's cold beer here and tonight I'm making pheasant stuffed with sausage and mushrooms and fresh salad. I have Animal House on DVD so we can start your deprogramming.

  • At 10:13 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Well *I* watched it, and it was gooey Hallmark goodness.

    PB, you ruin him with Animal House and beer and pheasant and I'll counter with chocolate fondue and a Lifetime Movie marathon.

  • At 10:58 PM, Anonymous JWebb said…

    I've learned much here tonight. I will now carry a partially sliced onion and knife in a ziplock bag in my pocket and whip it out to defray questions about tears that seem to crop unexpectedly these days.

    And no, I don't need no stinkin' Hallmark tearjearkers. I've got a copy of "It's a Wonderful Life." Booya.

  • At 8:17 AM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    Man, this is sounding like a great deal. Tons of beer, great dinner, a "man up" session, then home for fondue and a long, long, drooling nap on the couch.

    Turing word: nesutian. As in from the planet "Nesu", which is where I'll be banished to for writing this.

  • At 11:53 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    BANISHED? No. Duct-taped to the couch while I play Lifetime movies? Yes.

    Prepare for several Meredith Baxter-Birney alcoholic movies and a couple of Connie Selleca gems thrown in.

    Ooooh, and maybe that cheerleader murder movie with Tori Spelling.

    You'll be BEGGING for "A Dog Named Christmas."


  • At 11:54 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    p.s. I seem to remember a multiple-personality drama with Shelley Long.

    You are doomed, Scott.

  • At 11:54 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Oh, and wait! The Rosie O'Donnell-plays-a-retarded-woman movie!!!

    This should take us through Christmas, easily.

  • At 7:39 AM, Anonymous Scott P said…


  • At 7:17 AM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    Rosie was typecast for that role!

    Scott, I have the whole "Band of Brothers" series on DVD. I have "Hot Shots" and the Bourne series. Lots of Clint Eastwood here and if I have to, I'll go get all the Porky's movies.

  • At 1:03 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    That does it.

    I now have the entire PBS collection of Jane Austen, including all the "The Making of" behind the scenes footage.

    AND the entire series of "Moonlighting" on DVD.

    And when he's done watching that, we're going to learn to make doilies. And then brush the manes of all the "My Little Ponies" I've just purchased.

  • At 4:28 PM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    This is clearly escalating.

    Turing word: Squads. Indeed.

  • At 4:33 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    You stay out of this. This doesn't involve you.

    Oh. Wait.

  • At 10:17 AM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    I have a whole set of really bad kung-fu movies from the 70s; porno soundtracks and all. We'll drink whiskey straight from the bottle and piss off the balcony. We'll plug in the guitars and set the amp at 11.

    Scott, it's time.

  • At 8:43 AM, Anonymous Scott P said…

    I don't even want to know how Candy is going to counter that.


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