Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

The Sacred Sisterhood

Now that I'm back at the Big Giant University, I realize just how much I have missed you, sorority girls! What a dismal two years I spent without even a glimpse of your precise, matching first-week-of-classes outfits. Your glowing white shorts and highway-cone-orange T-shirts with "Go Greek" written in its curlicue font. If, instead of girls, you were letters written in longhand, you would all be "i"s with sweet little hearts for the dots.

I have missed your quotable quotes. Like the girl who walked out the door of the sorority house and spoke into her cell phone: I have to hang up now. I have to concentrate on walking.

Or the earnest sister shaking her donation can out on the quad, yelling "Give money to cancer!"

I was welcomed back to campus by the happy strains coming from the sorority house on the corner near the English Building. And by "strains" I do mean that you were all yell-singing at the top of your lungs: "Jessie's girl! I wish that I had Jessie's girl...Where can I find a woman like that?"

I sometimes wonder if I am alone in my cringing over you. But then I am reassured. Just yesterday I assigned the impromptu writing assignment to my freshman class "Who Do You Wish Would Just Shut Up and Why?" Out of 22 students, 9 chose "sororities." With no coaching from me.

Please, we like, LOVE you. You totally have to keep, like, entertaining us. Oh. Em. Gee...where did you get those shoes you're wearing?! Those are totally the cutest flats I have ever seen. I'm like, dying.


  • At 1:46 PM, Anonymous banjo said…

    Candy, that was just like the cuel-est post EVER! OMG, aren't you just like SO glad to be back?

    Hint: The light shining in that sorority girl's eyes is coming through the hole in the back of her head. There is nothing in there to stop it.

  • At 5:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    When I read the title, I got all excited that this was about the Brentano sisterhood. Oh well... still entertaining. - Poola

  • At 6:25 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    lmao. Thank god you're back at the Big, like U. Fantastic. See? They entertain you and, like you entertain us. It's totally rad. The way it should be.

    Big freaken hugs, man. = ]

  • At 7:20 PM, Anonymous Mary said…

    My first year of college, I lived across the street from the Kappa Delta house. It was the year before they banned "lawn singing" during Rush. Imagine a gazillion women singing "Kappa Delta time, come on!" to the tune of "Celebration." Anyone who didn't live "in the house" lived in my dorm. Some random person I had never met woke me out of a sound sleep (I had the flu!) by banging on my door to tell me when she was chosen to be a KD. They threw up in the water fountains all the time. It was a miserable existence for me.

    The next year I lived in a co-ed dorm. Never had those issues, especially with the serious amounts of vomit left for someone else to clean up, again.

  • At 3:39 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    Coming from a dysfunctional family of rural, agrarian isolationist, I never got well socialized. My family taught me that everyone is the enemy except your blood, and they can only be trusted if there is no money involved.

    College was originally an institution preserved for the cognitively advantaged, well-motivated kids who were driven to learn and prosper. Now it is populated with the socially promoted. is supposed to be given the opportunity for a higher education; every moron on the block should be in college.

    Half the kids in universities would struggle in a technical school or barber college. Those of us in Arts and Sciences - particularly in English Literature - looked down our noses at everyone who was plebeian and pedestrian enough to major in subjects that were related to material gain.

    I'm glad your back home - in Indiana, and I look forward to some of those juicy paragraphs written by your students.

    I have to admit that I have a grudge against smart kids that get scholarships and parent-funded free rides. It took me 8 years of night school - while holding down a 50 hour a week job - to work my way through college and graduate school.

    People who should be shot: Anyone who says "You go girl" or talks about "Grad school." If you ever had to write a real thesis, you don't compress the experience into a trivial expression.

  • At 5:58 PM, Anonymous Ana said…

    You GO girl!!!



  • At 7:16 PM, Blogger Stacey B. said…

    "Hint: The light shining in that sorority girl's eyes is coming through the hole in the back of her head. There is nothing in there to stop it."

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...oh crap, I'm laughing so hard I think I just drooled....

  • At 5:23 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Mary, that says it all: "They threw up in water fountains all the time." I mean, really. That totally sums it up.

  • At 5:25 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Holy crap, Jerry. 8 years of night school while working 50 hours a week. You are definitely tougher than I am. I'd have caved the 2nd week.

    "Every moron on the block should be in college."

    Yeah, it's a common school of thought. Some people are most certainly NOT college material. They're barely walking upright material.

  • At 5:25 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Magoo, if you drool again, I'm placing you in a sorority. :)

  • At 11:09 AM, Anonymous Tony said…

    Yeah, yeah, yeah--true-- Dopes, most of them. But I was thrilled when I was invited to dine in one of the houses--don't know which one: one of the really blonde, blue-eyed ones. The overpowering scent of estrogen! (Tuna casserole just OK though. Can't have everything.)

    Didn't recover until the next evening, when I returned to grading mid sems. No more Babeland--just dangling modifiers. The poet Keats is strong on differential between the ideal and the not so ideal.

  • At 4:08 PM, Anonymous mgm said…

    Candy, I *know* you'll love this: A year or two ago, I brought Skeeter to campus with me and parked in those metered spots outside the sorority house. He asked, "Mommy, what's that building?"

    "That, son, is a den of iniquity."


    This summer, he pulled that out when we made another trip to campus and parked in the same spots: "Look, Mommy. That's a den of iniquity."

    I have never been more proud.

  • At 7:39 PM, Anonymous c... said…

    mgm - i love the way you talk to your son.

    candy - i, like, have a couple of 'em in my class this semester. heaven.


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