Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Update on a Life Stuck in Neutral

Well. Here we are again.

Nice weather we're having. Blobbity blobbity blip.

Here's what's going on at the Candy House. Stupid stuff. January stuff.

On the job taking care of the elderly: The training for CPR got postponed until tomorrow. Because last week when the class was supposed to happen, the CPR woman had an emergency. You have to wonder what that was about.

On the first day of training, there were supposed to be 7 "trainees." 4 showed up, and 1 left immediately after the drug test. She disappeared. Just like she'd dropped through a trap door. No, it wasn't me.

I got my first assignment last week, without CPR training. It was supposed to be a 2-hour-per-day "shift" watching a woman who had recently fallen. But the shift was cancelled. No word as to why.

Meanwhile, waiting for another assignment, I've started working part time, temporarily answering phones and such at a very cool business in Phoenix. Partially responsible for its cool factor is that Scott also works there. The regular administrative person is out because of major surgery and I'm filling in for a couple weeks. I cannot tell you how odd it feels:

1. To be working in an office, nowhere near teaching. Doing things like sorting mail. I don't hate it. It gives me time to think. I'm just all akimbo in the brain pan.

2. To be leaving the house again. Since December 13th, I've been a stay-at-home, uh, recluse. Seeing people was simply out of the question. Aside from the 5 days with my family, I avoided humans altogether. I've done this a lot in my life. During the summers before I married Scott, I would go 4 or 5 days without leaving my house. No contact with people, except for email. I love doing this. I don't care if it's unhealthy. It's not like I was writing a manifesto. At least not more than the first draft.

3. And it's 1,000 miles beyond weird to be working in the same place with Scott. We're on different floors, but he frequently pops upstairs to blatantly sexually harrass me, which makes the day go faster, indeed. This may be hard to find in my next job.

January is, overall, going to be remembered by me as a rather annoying month, a month of limbo, and a month of feeling like I'm separated from the world by many layers of gauze. Most of my friends are having a kind of pissy month, too. Strange detours, money problems, restless minds, tired bodies, existential questions, general malaise. Why is that? Why is January such a fat, ugly, pimply bridesmaid in a lime green satin dress? And what will it take to get her to remove her ill-fitting pointy high heels from our necks?

May she catch the bouquet. And may it be made of the egg sacs of spiders.


  • At 10:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Disappearing "trainees," canceled classes, and abruptly dropped "shifts".... Candy, what sort of a "job" is this? Does your "uniform" involve a ski mask and a Molotov cocktail? I'm starting to think that would-be patient of yours didn't really "fall". I want some answers, "Candy"!

    [Makes more finger quotes just for emphasis]

  • At 11:04 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Indeed, Jackie O.
    The whole thing is a twisty kettle of bizarro. With oyster crackers thrown on top.

    As for my "uniform"... well, you've seen it. On the corner. It comes with a change belt.

  • At 1:39 AM, Blogger Steve B said…

    You don't have us fooled for a second. You've actually been having this wild time, probably invented some great new gadget automatically that peels artichokes or something.

    Okay, okay. I'll be honest. I've seen the empty bottles of cooking sherry in the garbage can, the ones you tried to hide by wrapping them in collard greens and back copies of Good Housekeeping magazine.

    I mean, I WOULD have, you know, if I'd been digging through your trash like some sort of stalker. Which, you know, I'd never do. Much.

  • At 4:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    God, do I ever understand what you mean about January...I think it's the cold, at least here. I've often thought it should be nuked off the calendar in the same way I've thought there should be a vacine to prevent cheerleading.

    Hang in there. Enjoy the sexual harassment. And call me sometime! Anita

  • At 8:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You can never be boring.

    Thanks for the post.

    Your job sounds great. I love mindless work-for a while anyway.

  • At 8:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I forgot to say that I was sorry to be the oddball here but I like January. It's like the rainy day theory-good excuse to stay inside unless you like something crazy like winter sports.

    I work at my job, pick up kids, do whatever I have to do, and then cocoon myself with the cat, a book, TV on, and a treat. Last night was two creme brulees (they come in the freezer section and you make them in oven and then put in refrigerator for a while). I can't believe that I ate two of them because they were 33 grams of fat EACH! That was some cocoon! Back to Lean Cusines today.

  • At 9:24 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Steve, I saw you out there in my trash. I have pictures. But why do you dress in an elaborate evening gown?

  • At 9:25 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Anita, if you invented the anti-cheerleader vaccine, you would win the Nobel Prize.

    Belle, I used to like January for those same reasons. Especially the cozying up with a book part. There is no "cozy" in Phoenix. Just the rotten, intrusive sunshine.

  • At 9:58 AM, Blogger Lisa Dunick said…

    I agree-- I'm pretty much finished with January... and I'd like to skip February, too, if that's ok. What do I need an extra day of winter for anyway? Like they couldn't have made leap day sometime in the warm summer months or the crisp fall. blech.

  • At 11:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Candy, I totally understand the January in Phoenix thing. It's not really the same. Winter in Phoenix usually made me feel pissy because I felt like it was a sad excuse of a winter. All of the "Let it Snow" holiday decorations just made me angry. It was a cruel joke.

    January here has been a month of much-needed recovery. It has been rather uneventful, thankfully. I went into it feeling like a little wooden rowboat that had barely survived the rapids of the Colorado River. I am thankful for the cold weather (which, in my opinion, I don't get enough of in this mild Midwestern place that I live) and the little bit of snow (which we had more, but this is still better than nothing).

    I dread February. I HATE--HATE!!!! Valentine's Day. I can't say that enough. It is the most despicable holiday ever.

  • At 11:57 AM, Blogger Citlali said…

    Wow, it's really scary to see just how much I agree with your concept of January, right down to the color of the dress... = ]

    I recently did a mental evaluation of my job history and found an interesting statistic: the two times I quit a big job it was in January. It's like the job was getting to me and I held out for months trying to make it work but as soon as January hit it just became UNACCEPTABLE. Nope. Can't have none of that crap AND deal with January at the same time. No siree. Not happenin.

    I'm SO glad you have that job with the sexual harrassment bonus. Way cool... = ]

  • At 12:30 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    That settles it. We cancel the rest of January, and February must plead its case.

    If its plans do not please us, it must go. March? Also iffy.

    Citlali, I'm thrilled that you agree with me on the dress color.

  • At 12:59 PM, Blogger Dana said…

    but he frequently pops upstairs to blatantly sexually harass me, which makes the day go faster, indeed. That is what I LOVE about working with my hubby.

    Strange detours indeed. Not only does she have her ill fitting pointy high heels in our necks, she has coughed up a chunk of phlegm big enough to cover all of Texas. Not to mention infecting anyone stupid enough to breathe in her knock-off Givenchy body spray with the bacteria which causes lung o' death.

    Or something like that.

  • At 1:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    So you have a job where you're supposed to care for fallen women, huh? This is most interesting.

  • At 1:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    January and February both gots them the powerful mojo. You've got to hire a shaman and a couple of grass dancers to make it safe in your own frigging home.

    Speaking of shamans and grass dancers, have you though of doing some Native American bleak midwinter voodoo? You're in Arizona, after all. Burn you some sage. Get thee to a sweat lodge. Drop some peyote.

    No. Don't do that. I wouldn't suggest that you do that.

    You can't work with fallen women if you're on the drogas.

  • At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    O.K. Here's the thing. If January goes, February MUST be done away with. Otherwise, there would be no buffer between Christmas and Valentine's Day. That is the one blessed thing that January gives us.

    Also, instead of "which," I should have written "wish" earlier, in reference to the snow. I was writing too fast and didn't proofread. Sorry.

  • At 4:25 PM, Blogger Steve B said…

    "But why do you dress in an elaborate evening gown?

    Uh, camouflage. Duuuuh.

  • At 5:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i'm usually just fine with january, the slow down after the fast pace of the holidays ... but this year? january appears to be sucking away all semblance of competence I used to have... if I don't get *something* done this week, they're going to kick me out of grad school and make me shake cans on the corner shouting "support cancer!"

  • At 7:36 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dana, what a perfect, phlegmy description.
    Knock off Givenchy. Heh.

  • At 7:36 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Ana, them dang drug tests have cramped my entire social life. Me and the ganga.

  • At 7:38 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, would it help you hate Valentine's Day less if you and I get together and, like, practice some cheerleading pyramids? Because we could totally do that.

    Steve, I'm so stupid. Of course it's camo.
    You wear camo at home too?

  • At 7:39 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    c... I believe the sorority girl's exact quote was


    And then I killed her.

  • At 8:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    I *might* be able to tolerate Valentine's Day if I could pretend that it was special holiday dedicated to practicing cheerleading pyramids. So, I'm totally thinking that your idea might work!

    Also, just because I need the buffer month of January between Christmas and Valentine's Day does not mean that I despise Christmas. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Christmas. I am like Beavis after he got into Stuart's mom's candy jar when it comes to Christmas. I'm a big, excited, jittery, Chihuahua about Christmas. I can hardly contain myself. Which is why I need a whole month to "come down" off of that high.

    Valentine's Day brings humiliating memories of grade school, when I would meticulously sort my Valentines for everyone in my class, and I would feel so embarrassed because they were all so corny and mushy. And I felt like I was being dishonest, because I really didn't feel that strongly about anyone in my class. And, if there was a boy that I had a crush on, I certainly didn't want him to know it! Plus, there were a few kids that I really didn't like at all, and it was difficult to find a Valentine that would not give the wrong impression. It used to take me hours to do my Valentines. I have always felt that it is important to express my sentiments honestly. Valentine's Day was just a sham of a holiday that forced me to send out insincere notes to my peers and I will never be able to erase those memories from my mind.

    To give you some idea about how I feel about accurately expressing myself: I didn't even buy a welcome mat for my front porch because I don't feel that just anyone is welcome in my house. And if I put out a mat that actually says "welcome," that implies that anyone who comes and knocks on my door is welcome. (I like those mats that say "go away" much better, since I feel that way far more often.)

    I feel that greeting cards and home decor should always honestly reflect the individual. I think you know what I mean, Candy.

  • At 9:17 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    my very best but sometimes flaky friend says it's because Mercury is in retrograde, or some such hoo-hah.

    I say it's because January sucks. Big dirty rocks from Chernobyl. There.

  • At 10:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I could have sworn I posted a chicken pie recipe. Sworn.


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