Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Back to Indiana Again

See? That's me, standing next to the USAirways jet, flexing my arm muscles preparing to strangle whichever toddler decides to scream for 3 hours as though she's being drawn and quartered. I will threaten to make that a reality. There are all kinds of clever things you can rig up with a heavy steel beverage cart.

This will be another quick trip to see the family. I'm taking advantage of having Veteran's Day off. I cannot wait to get away from Phoenix. Not that I don't love pollution so thick that your lungs escape through your esophagus during the night and leave a sticky note telling you to "Eat Dogsh*t." And not that I don't simply adore constant road rage and police copters circling and swooping as though I have used a staple gun to attach a gaggle of felons to our roof. I love these things!

But there is nothing like the hometown, and driving the parents' big Lincoln from one end of town to the other in 2 minutes without even speeding. We cruise around together and I get to relieve my mother of her driving duties, as we frequent the usual haunts: Walmart, Long John Silver's, the holistic pharmacy.

"This is nice. I miss being able to just ride and look at things," she says.

After Mom and Dad have gone to bed each night, I sit outside in their garage to talk on the phone, so as not to wake them. My spot of choice: the seat of their golf cart, with my feet propped up onto the drink holder. Scott and I talk until my cell phone sizzles into the side of my head like a branding iron.

When I'm in Phoenix I miss my family. When I'm "home" I miss Scott. I am now nothing but a big perplexed cat. I want out this door. I want back in.

Now out.


  • At 7:13 AM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    ya know, John Cougar sang that he took his sweetie home to Indiana with him.

    Of course, they divorced not long after.

  • At 7:41 AM, Blogger Jerry said…

    I love Long John Silver's fried fish--and the sprinkles.

    There really is no place like home.

  • At 7:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wouldn't it be great if you could just step through some magical pet door and go back and forth between the two places that easily?

    When you wrote about cruising from one end of town to the other in a couple of minutes, it made me think of how much smaller my home town felt after living in Phoenix. When I was back in my hometown, a little over a year ago, it felt so much smaller than I had remembered! Places that had seemed "clear across town" were just a few minutes' drive from where I used to live. I'd go from one end of town to the other and think, "Wow. I'm already here?" And the funny thing is, I remember that back then, the "distance" often prevented us from doing so much! Going clear to Grand Rapids, the nearest big city, was a HUGE deal, and we didn't do it very often. It was about a 35 minute drive. That's your average drive going ANYWHERE in Phoenix, on a good day. And even in the city where I currently live now, I think nothing of driving across town for appointments, etc. Of course, after living in Phoenix, I feel like I live in Mayberry. My relatives from back home think there is "traffic" here. I scoff.

    I suppose if I hadn't lived in Phoenix, I might feel intimidated by this place. Now I just laugh say, "Bring it on. I've lived in Phoenix. You can't scare me."

    I hope you have a quiet flight and a great time visiting your folks!

  • At 8:56 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Durn it, PB, you cain't divorce yer own brother! Didn't I ever tell you how Scott and I met?

    Jerry...I'll eat some crunchy things for you while I'm there.

    Futuresis...Phoenix is boot camp, no? All other places (at least in the U.S.) are easy.

  • At 9:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "...phoenix is easy..."

    Two words- "L" "A".

  • At 9:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You in IN again-me not seeing you=sad.

    Have a good time.

    I think the doll in your picture is a Liddle Kiddle doll from the 70's!!!!!!!!! Where did you get the pic?

  • At 10:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ummm....Candy? Sorry. I didn't realize that your flight had a layover on the floor in my basement. I hope I didn't mess up the plane or kill anyone when I tripped over you all on the way to the laundry room.

    I have to agree with Scott. When I lived in Phoenix, I often would console myself by saying, "Hey. At least I'm not in L.A." Phoenix is L.A., Jr. Growing up to be like it's polluted, rude, crime-lord daddy.

  • At 10:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    But Phoenix still is boot camp. Maybe L.A. could be thought of as special forces training? I have no desire to be a hero.

  • At 2:12 PM, Blogger Citlali said…

    L.A.??? I got one: Mexico City!! Yeah. It's the same everywhere -- people bitch about the traffic in Reno. Ha. Even Portland is worse than this. So it's all relative, no? But really, my other friend that lives in in Phoenix metro has a two hour commute one way. Mexico City folks have a normal commute of three hours one way. Traffic: if it exists, it's a bitch to deal with -- no matter where you live. Right? Who needs it??!! Just stand on your roof and rope yourself one of those PoPo Copters that swoop down so low -- use THAT to commute. Problem solved. ha. = ]

  • At 4:27 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    You'uns ain't seen nuthin' till ya seen the crime here in Butt Scoot Ideehoe. The gang from Cooterville comes over to our town for a tussle. They got the nerve to drank their sody pop on the steps of OUR SlurpeeMart, and me and Toots McKee took a crowbar to their moped tail lights, we did. The Moleen brothers (Bobby Joe and Yves) sometimes get to drinkin' and hootin' and hollerin' and last night they busted up two boards on my porch! An ol' lady Elsie Evans got her Fairlane egged real good last week. Y'all talkin' 'bout L.A. 'n stuff. Hell, that's a place that's jess two letters. How much rough stuff can be there? I punched a guy in the mouth once.
    --Skeeter Blevins (NOT Domhan)

  • At 4:27 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 4:30 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    I apologize for the deleted comment. That dumba$$ Skeeter was using my account again and published his comment twice. Like the dumba$$ he is.

  • At 4:31 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Po-Po copters. HAA.

    "Not Domhan" You got me bustin a gut. My GOD but you make a superb hick. Are you SURE your parents aren't siblings?

    YVES> I'm going to beat you BAD next time I see you.

  • At 4:32 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Did you delete one on the other thread too, Skeeter?

  • At 4:45 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    No I did not. And why would you say such a thang about my half brother and second cousin (I mean, my parents)?


  • At 7:31 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Cause I jist like to pick on all y'all and yer one-root family tree. Is all.

  • At 10:52 AM, Blogger Domhan said…

    We may gots us only one root in our family tree, but we gots us lots of branches.

    Course, some of them branches is farm animals.


  • At 9:59 PM, Blogger Ana Martin said…

    AREN'T YOU HOME YET????? Yeesh.

  • At 10:18 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Nope, still in Indiana and too preoccupied to blog.

    I fly home Monday. On a plane. In the air. Spooky.

  • At 9:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    We all miss you. And I'm even in IN where you are!

    Please come home to blog!

  • At 7:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    She's right over Amarillo, TX now. She's probably looking down at the idiots trying to eat a 72 oz. steak as we speak.


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