Candy Rant

"I killed a rat with a stick once."

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


My sister does something odd to her garden. She grows many deformed things in the little plot of land behind her garage. There have been shiny red quintuplet tomatoes that ache with ugliness. There have been cucumbers that are too traumatizing to describe.

This is her latest offspring. A sweet potato that dreamed of flying. Perhaps it never achieved the flight of a bumblebee. At least not without me ramming a chopstick into the back of it. But it did ride in the overhead compartment of a US Airways jet. Coach section.


  • At 8:44 AM, Blogger Jerry said…

    American "Pop Art" at its finest. When the New York dilettantes see this, they will put your sister on the Today show and set up a showing of her works in the Guggenheim.

    Hollywood will probably want to make a movie--something like "The Blair Witch" thingy, but in this movie, sweet taters will attack semi-nude teenage campers.

    A non-for-profit group will soon be established by the government to study the needs of disadvantaged sweet taters.

    Homeland Security will investigate whether this is a terrorist plot; disguising bombs as harmless taters.

    Your sister will win a 4-H award for growing the most interesting tater this year.

    The Indiana State Chamber of Commerce will create a tourist attraction in the town and people will come from all over to see this unique tater.

    The protesters will line up outside your sister house carrying signs that say, "Save the Taters."

    The Today Show will have her on this week asking incisive questions about your sister's childhood and trying to discover how she developed into a creative tater-grower.

    The Republicans will initiate a Senate investigation into your sister's past to determine if this is a grass roots plot to rally the farmers against government farm subsidies. Designer taters might replace dinner table staples.

    I love taters.

  • At 8:55 AM, Blogger Domhan said…

    Just how many penises does one vegetable need?

  • At 9:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "...Just how many penises does one vegetable need?"

    Ir's nice to know you'll be #1 on a Google search for that soon, Candy...

  • At 9:19 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    I must make sure my sister sees your predictions, Jerry. You're right. The Guggenheim would jump on this.

    If only K. Couric were still on "Today" so she could tearfully ask my sister what happened to her as a child. :)

    Domham, very observant of you. My sister originally saved this potato for me because of its many penises. However, being the wholesome girl I am, I chose to see the bee-ness of it. Instead of the wee-wee-ness.

  • At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Further proof that the Native Americans cursed the land before they were forced off by the Feds.

  • At 9:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Much like this sweet potato, many of us need to be poked with a stick before we finally take flight and go out there and achieve our dreams.


    And on the other hand, if there ever were such a creature roaming about with that many penises, it would certainly need to be speared.

    So much can be said about this photo.

    I guess it is all in how you look at it. You say "po-tay-toe," I say "po-tah-toe."

  • At 9:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think an "Ask Candy" featurette would be kind of cool. People you could email you questions, and you could post the best ones.

    Much more informative than Heloise, I would think, and certainly more entertaining...

  • At 9:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Scott! Pure genius!

    That's two votes for "Ask Candy."

  • At 11:00 AM, Blogger prairie biker said…

    I don't suppose she ever considered that all the used motor oil she dumps back there is what's causing those mutations?

  • At 11:06 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Tony, And boy don't they keep THAT outta the history books. Cursed veggies.

  • At 11:08 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    "Much like this sweet potato, many of us need to be poked with a stick before we finally take flight and go out there and achieve our dreams."

    Futuresis, that was better than Chicken Poop for the Soul! They're always too syrupy. They never include anything good like getting poked with a stick.

  • At 11:09 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    An "Ask Candy" featurette would work only if Candy knew jacksh*t about anything.

    Of course, the question could be "What is it like, Candy, not to know jacksh*t about anything?"

  • At 11:10 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    HA! She don't dump no motor oil, PB. She dumps this other thing, what it is, the name is escaping me. Oh yes. Something called "agent orange."

  • At 11:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    C'mon, Candy. Like whoever's 'playing' "Ann Landers" these days has a clue about anything except newspaper syndication.

    You don't have to 'know' anything, just just need to have an opinion about it.

  • At 11:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I agree with Scott. Candy, I know people who THINK they know it all and never hesitate to verbally vomit all over me. Trust me when I say this. I know. It makes me so sad that the few people who really do know jacksh*t, people such as yourself, don't realize just how wise they really are.

    We all really want to know your answers and opinions! And if you don't know, we'd like to read what you have to say about it anyway. And we all believe in you! I'm figuratively poking you with a stick now, so get out there and take flight!

  • At 11:35 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Futuresis, my wisdom could be folded up and tucked away inside the wallet of a dust mite. But thanks for the poke.

    Scott, you're just being nice to me because you want me to do the big stack of dishes I've neglected. Can my first "answer" column be about the virtues of using paper plates?

  • At 12:23 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    Well here's another vote for the "Ask Candy" featurette.

    More realistic that the Ann Landers wannabes, more sarcastic and creative than Cecil Adam's "The Straight Dope," and certainly on the same planet with the rest of us...not like the Martha Stewart answers in her column. ("Festoon your holiday napkins with diamond dust by first edging them with a homemade sugar syrup and delicately sprinkling the diamonds with a seive you've made from some leftover screen from our project last week: keeping mosquitos off of your estate in the Hampshires.")

    I'd love some good smart a$$ answers to our everyday (or smart a$$) questions.

  • At 12:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sure. Here's the question:

    Hi, Candy. Hope you can help! We're tired of washing dishes around our place. Would it be uncouth to use paper plates at our next dinner party?


    Classy in Phoenix

  • At 12:44 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Ha! "Diamond dust," Domhan?

    And don't you LOVE the word "festoon?"

  • At 1:15 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Dear "Classy in Phoenix":

    Uncouth? To use paper plates? Of course it's not uncouth. Or perhaps I should say that I'm certain it's not THE most uncouth thing you're doing at your dinner parties.

    Because if you're asking about using paper plates, you undoubtedly have your home decorated with such gems as an off-brand Barbie doll in a mint-green crocheted skirt, with her feet stuffed down into the roll of Charmin on the back of your toilet.

    I can also imagine the subtle aroma of cat litter in the air. Litter that has been so frequented by the cat, and so stubbornly ignored by you, that the clumps in it are the size of Jerry Lewis's swollen head.

    Luckily though, your very privileged dinner guests will be distracted from the pungency
    in the air AND the paper plates by the cuisine you have masterfully prepared. Who doesn't swoon over your hors d'oeuvres? The chunks of Velveeta pressed down into the anemic stalks of celery. And that special touch: your own personal fingerprints on the cheese.

    The "Branson!" placemats are crusted with Smuckers, but that only adds a come-as-you-are feel to the entire meal. Bringing the Mrs. Paul's fish sticks to the table by carrying several under each arm? A heavenly vision.

    Don't sweat the paper plates.

  • At 1:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Candy -

    I'm trying to re-do my wardrobe. Students keep asking me if I own anything other than solid colored crew neck shirts. What do you think: "throw me down and fuck me" red stilettos or all out drag king?

  • At 1:54 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…


    Isn't life funny? Sometimes we think we have one problem, when it's really another! Your mistake isn't in your wardrobe at all. It's in allowing your students to speak.

    They should never speak. Permit them a tiny whimper if they are choking to death on the full-sized tube-sock you've stuffed in each of their mouths before class starts.

    If one of them unfortunately IS able to speak, and asks you anything about what you may or may not own, point out that you own their oily little souls.

    The students are inmates in a cell block. Your gradebook is a big lifer named "Wanda" who has just requested a lengthy conjugal visit.

  • At 2:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Candy,

    My wife, Irma Jean, r-u-n-n-o-f-t recently. She left behind a mountain of bills, our two kids, a stack of dirty dishes, an empty fridge, the yard needs mowin', the trailer's startin' ta tilt a little funny, and the laundry needs washin'.

    However, I find myself with a little extra dough since I no longer have to pay for her pedicures.

    Do I buy the Ruger Red Label or the Winchester Special 101?

  • At 2:41 PM, Blogger Domhan said…

    "Blogs of Note," here comes Candy Rant!

    And yes, I do love the word "festoon." It makes me feel all Martha Stewarty.

  • At 2:44 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Rufus, thank you so much for enlightening me: I had NO idea that pedicures for inflatable women were so pricey. She should've opted for Lee Press-Ons.

    Irma Jean must have been a VERY special girl, though, to have found the power within her little latex leggies to have "run oft."

    To console yourself, think of the good times. What was it, for example, that you loved best about her? Was it that always perfectly rounded mouth that made her look perpetually goosed? Or the fact that she sat quietly next to you on the couch during 11 hours of football? Or was it her, er, flexibility?

    I know you will miss her. And I know those poor kids, Frapp and Poot, the 2 whoopie cushions you procreated, will miss her too.

    Buy the Ruger. Also, a luger. Shoot some hubcaps. You'll feel back to normal again in no time.

  • At 2:54 PM, Blogger Jerry said…

    Freud would have had a good time with these comments, and if there is a psychoanalyst in the crowd please provide some deep insights.

  • At 4:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Candy,

    I am going through a huge crisis!!!! My friend Amber is trying to take over as captain of the cheer squad. Currently, Brittany is the captain and also my BFF. But, Amber told me that she will spread it around school that I let Tad Tarrington get to third base with me--which is a total lie!--if I don't help her take over. And, she said that she will get me a special invite to Tiffany's big birthday bash, and everyone who's ANYONE is going and I would totally die if I wasn't invited! She is Tiffany's BFF. Plus, Brittany did choose Tiffany to be co-captain, just so that SHE could get invited to the party, even though I am so way better at cheer, and like, that was so not cool. And I got this totally cute new outfit, just for that night, so I HAVE to go. Right? This is so awful. Nobody understands how hard it is to be a high school cheerleader. It's totally the hardest thing in the world. Some days, I just think I can't go on. But if I quit, then I would never be able to be a COLLEGE cheerleader, and that's how I plan to get into a good sorority.

    Totally going to die,

  • At 4:51 PM, Blogger Candy Rant said…


    First, is Tad Tarrington perchance of the New England Tarringtons??? If so, you may want to reconsider the whole 3rd base thing. They own acres and acres of prime real estate.

    But back to the original problem. There, there. A new surgical procedure has recently been developed that can guarantee you and Brittany AND Tiffany top-notch positions in the cheerleading hierarcy all the way through college! If you want them, that is. But you have to ask for the procedure very precisely, and you must do it right away, within the next week, or it will not work.

    Write it on one of your lavender sticky notes and take it to your health care professional. Here it is:


  • At 6:15 PM, Blogger Steve B said…

    My first thought is wondering just what exactly has been dumped in the little plot of land over the years, that it spawns such horrible, misshapen creatures.


    Key word: "nfkus"

    Somehow that seems sort of...dirty.

  • At 12:05 AM, Blogger DeLi said…

    i would love to visit this garden!

  • At 12:55 AM, Blogger Candy Rant said…

    Steve, I think it's a combination of my sister's "doctoring up" the soil with her various concoctions, and perhaps the Indian burial ground beneath it.

    Deli...I'm sure my sister would LOVE to have you visit her odd little wonderland. But you might never be the same. :)


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